I still miss you.
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I remember the first day we met, your friends dared you to go to a waltz class, and you ended up where I teach it. One touch, one dance, and it was like we were meant to be together forever. But dating a customer was against the policy, and you never seemed to like me the way I liked you; you never seemed to melt at my touch, your face was always so expressionless, as if the butterflies in my stomach and my blushing face were just me feeding my delusions. Until the day when you came up to me to tell me to quit the class, and instead asked me out on a date. I still remember the white shirt you wore that day. You were looking charming, whereas I was all sweaty in my attire, right after a class. Still, I could feel my whole face lit up as I said yes. 9 years since that happened, and somehow, I can still sense the peachy smell you had on you that day.
I thought a lot about what I would say if I ever met you in my dream. But I don't think I have anything else to say except that..
I miss you. I miss you a lot. It's been 5 years, and I had all the time in the world to move on, but how could I when every morning I wake up, I still search the entire apartment for you to wish you good morning and at night to wish you good night, only to realise you aren't there anymore.
My sister has developed a crush on her boss, and I told her it was ridiculous since he was at least a decade older than her and happily married, and she got angry and said, at least her crush had a chance cause he was alive. And that stung me physically in my body in parts I never knew existed.
So tell me, why did you have to leave me all alone? Why did you leave so early? Couldn't you at least take me with you? What will I do alone here now, except get mocked for not moving on?
I watched my niece read a book about loss and write a review. I asked her what she learnt from reading the book, and she answered, "Losing the person you love is sad". And it is true, because even 5 years after your death, everything about you affects me. I am glad she got to know such a truth at an early age, but at the same time, I really hope she never gets to know it as well as I do.
I still see the lawnmower by our lawn, staring at me solemnly day by day, waiting for me to pick it up, and finally free it from its rusting destiny. But I avoid its eyes daily, scared to have eye contact with it, an almost worn-out battery, and keep postponing it each day, saying I don't know how to, as if operating it is rocket science. I just wait till my niece comes for the holidays and mows the lawn for her allowance.
I still didn't fix the faulty bulb in the garage. I left the puzzle pieces in the same way for 5 years. I never completed it cause you aren't there anymore. I still have the expired shaving cream of yours and Old Spice that I'm never going to use, but also never going to throw out. So is your toothbrush still in the toothbrush holder? and your clothes in the closet. and your specs on the shelf by the bed. You're still living with me. Maybe not physically, but I am living with all your memories. And I truly wish I could just move on like my sister wants me to, but I am happy here, at least for now. So maybe I will just keep pretending you are in some coma and not dead, and wishing and praying for you to wake up. I will keep doing that until I am ready to let you go. I hope you don't mind.
But truthfully, I miss you. Can't you just come back?
Was I that bad a partner to you? If I suffer enough, will it be enough for you to feel sorry and come back? I don't think I have any more strength in me to live a life without seeing your face.
Anywhere you might be, I just hope you know that, right now, I'm waiting for you. Please come back to me.