"You have said that four times, and I haven't even walked in the door. Calm down," I said with a smile, as I tried to push past Eliza.
"Hi mijo," my mom said, coming to hug me.
"Hi mama," I said as I hugged her.
"How have you been?"
"I am good, how have you guys been?"
"I am so happy you are here, oh my god," Eliza said with a smile. Right, so don't answer my question.
"I am glad to be here," I said.
She dragged me upstairs, and now we were sitting in my barren bedroom.
"Where's Brandon?"
"I don't know," she spat.
"Did you guys fight?"
"No, he's just being annoying."
"Because of you dating his friend?"
"Who told you that?" she asked with her eyes wide.
"You did, stupid."
"When?"
"When I was in the hospital," I said, pushing her.
"Oh my god, I forgot about that," she said.
I reached under my bed.
KNITTING.
"Continue, I am sorry, I just miss knitting so much."
"Why'd you stop?"
"It's just harder for me to do now, and that pissed me off," I said, and I started to knit again.
I could knit Dominic a scarf.
He would look cute in that.
"Talk about you and your boyfriend, how are you guys?"
She smiled nervously at me. "We are good."
I smiled, glad to see her happy. "That's good."
"Also him and Dominic do look very similar."
"I told you, bro, but you didn't believe me," I said and continued knitting.
"Have you guys gone on your first date yet?"
She nodded.
"Oh my god! Why didn't you tell?" I said, talking way too loudly.
"Because you are too busy with your new family," she said, and I rolled my eyes.
"You will always be first in my heart," I said with a smile, and she nodded.
"I mean, it was a little bit awkward, but we had fun."
"Did you guys kiss?"
She sheepishly smiled. "Yes."
"OH MY GOD!" I said, pushing her. "Why am I being hit?" She asked, laughing.
"I understand the date, but the first kiss? AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?" I said, yelling, and she smiled at me nervously.
I watched as my door opened.
"You are being too loud," it was my dad.
"Sorry," Eliza said sheepishly.
My dad looked at me. He was looking for something to say.
"Come talk to me once you're done," my dad said, and, almost like a robot, he walked out slamming the door.
"Forgot about him," I said, talking quieter.
"Hard to forget."
"How's he been?" I asked.
"Fine, just weirdly hands off."
It's because he has no one to pick on. "I mean, that's good."
"I guess, he doesn't really talk to Brandon or me, and when he does, it's just awkward."
"At least there is less yelling in the house," I said with a weak smile.
"I guess…changing the subject, how are you and Robo Daddy?"
"We are good," I said with a smile as I unknotted the string that I somehow knotted.
"Have you guys had your first date?"
"No," I said sheepishly.
"Have y'all kissed?!"
"Yes, yes, we have."
She gave me a flirty look with a smile.
"The answer is yes to that question as well, but I am not letting you ask that out loud. I can't have that on my conscience. And for the date, we just haven't really had time for one. Dom is really busy with everything that is happening."
She gave me a sad look. "Does he treat you well?"
"Yes."
"But won't take you on a date?"
"He's just busy, it's…" It was hard to defend that. "I am happy with the way things are now."
"Are you? Or are you just saying that?"
"Why are you grilling me right now?"
"I just want to know that he's treating you well," Eliza said. "God forbid I be worried." She added.
"He treats me well."
"Good. But if my jobless teenage boyfriend can take me on a date and your loaded grown ass man can't, that's a problem."
"When you say it out loud, it does sound kind of bad," I said, laughing.
We continued to talk about random stuff, and I felt…happy.
I mean, I was supposed to be happy; I was with my family.
My throat felt dry, though, and the nasty pit in my stomach kept growing.
I miss my family, I miss knitting, I miss smoking, going to the park, living life on my own terms…I miss being happy.
I wouldn't say I am not happy now, but there are some things that are irreplaceable. Like family, siblings, a life that I have lived for so long.
That's irreplaceable.
No matter how much money Dom spends on me, how much I cook for him, how much I hang out with his daughter, be his fill-in wife, be fulfilled, be loved, it will never replace the life I once had.
The life I was supposed to fucking hate.
And I guess that fucking sucks, makes me ungrateful, greedy, a piece of fucking shit.
I'm different now. I can't ever go back, and that makes me scared.
I have become a shadow of my former self for the better and for the worse, and it hurts…hurts so fucking much.
I don't know how I am supposed to feel, not at all.
Either way, I am an ungrateful piece of shit.
Either way, I am fucking pathetic.
Our conversation had died out, and now Eliza was on her phone showing me stuff.
I know it's for the best.
I would have been trapped here for the rest of my life, trapped in a place I was supposed to call home, a place that was supposed to be full of love.
I would have never been anything more or less, just stuck. Stuck in this stupid fucking place that drains every last bit of my potential and makes me a housewife.
And now I'm back, back in this house, back even when I'm in Dom's house.
Every last bit of my dreams turns into nothing but a housewife.
No matter where I am, where I go, this is my life.
People like me should never have been allowed to dream, never been allowed to have such a voice, such acting skills; it should have gone to someone else.
Someone who would actually use this potential and be someone.
I put my knitting down.
Dom had sent me a message.
It was for an acting school, and he was telling me, "You should apply, their application opens back up for the fall year soon."
Like clockwork.
Like he knew I was thinking about it.
I hearted the message.
I can't waste his money like that.
Like clockwork, "you aren't wasting my money, because I know you are thinking about that."
Like he knows all of my worries, "I can help you with the application process if you'd like. I know the process for econ is different, but I would love to help you."
I smiled, "Thank you, Domie."
I sighed.
Move on from an old life to a new life.
Become someone new, become someone you have always wanted to be.
Don't be trapped, don't be pathetic. Be everything you have ever wanted.
Be happy for me, for him, for my siblings, for Isabella, for everyone, everything I have disappointed in my life.
I heard the door creak open, and my dad gave me a pissed-off look. "Let me talk to you."
I put my phone in my pocket and stood up slowly.
"I'll be back, Eliza," I said with a smile, and she gave me a nervous look while nodding. She knew I didn't have a choice.
As I followed my dad, I took my phone out of my pocket again and texted Dom, "Can you start heading over?"
No question, just a "of course."
I followed my dad into our backyard.
"How have you been?" he said, turning around as I put my phone in my pocket.
He didn't care. "Fine."
"Fine?"
"Yeah," I said.
"I am being nice to you, stop," he said sternly.
"And I am being nice to you," I said. He didn't want to make small talk; he wanted to pick a fight.
"Why didn't Dominic come with you today?"
"I told him not to."
"Did you guys break up?"
"Did you not hear what I just said?" I asked, and he reached out and smacked me.
He then got closer to me, pointing. "Don't talk to me like that."
He wanted a reaction out of me, wanted me to cry, wanted me to beg him not to hit me, but all I did was stare.
Stare at the person I would love no matter what he said or what he did to me.
Stare at the person who had stopped being my dad the day I was born.
"We didn't break up. I just wanted this to be a family day," I mumbled, and my dad looked at me.
"You look bigger." A full 180 just to get me worked up.
"It's the medicine."
"That doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself. I bet Dominic doesn't like fat bitches."
I sighed. Trying to get a reaction out of me. And it was working. I couldn't let it. Couldn't let him get this satisfaction.
"Do you have anything else to say to me?" I asked.
"God, your attitude has gotten terrible," my dad spat. "I don't know how he puts up with this shit."
"Glad you and me aren't engaged then."
A quick hand smacked me. Now that one I deserved.
"Stop with that shit. Dominic isn't fucking here to protect you and this nasty mouth."
And for some reason.
I couldn't bring myself to cry.
Couldn't even bring myself to care.
All I could do was slowly blink at him.
And look at him with the same disgust he has given me my whole life.
"I hope you get better, I really do. I hope one day you learn how to love and do it properly. If you ever feel like hitting, smacking, or treating my mom and siblings the way you treat me, I just want you to think about the police breaking down the door and killing you. Think about that. I love you dad," I said and turned around and walked towards the door.
Fuck him.
He continued to scream at me, but I was no longer listening. I am so out of here.
After 15 minutes of saying bye to my mom and Eliza, I was back in the car with Dom, and I was going…home…or back to his house.
Eliza's "don't forget about us" played over and over in my mind as I halfway answered Dominic's questions.
It's hard to forget about your siblings, your parents, and even harder to forget about yourself.
Who I was, taking my siblings to school every day, cooking for them, giving my whole life to them.
It's for the best.
I know it is.
I can't be stuck there for the rest of my life.
I have to go be my own person, live my own life, and I guess I have to come to terms with that.
No matter how that may look.
I am going to break the cycle and get out of here.
Break the cycle.
I can do that.
I can definitely do that.