As I saw Ralph, who stood near the bed looking broken, I was frozen in place. I couldn't move. Anxiety started building in me, and this uneasiness was also making its own space. I groaned. If it were like the first time, with a few curses, I would have gotten rid of both of them for good, but now I have been thrown to witness an entirely different situation, and I don't know how to deal with this one.
Why me? As far as I know, I have never committed so much sin in my life, where I have been pushed into a position where my mind would go entirely blank. Some unknown curse is following me, pushing me to the test, and, as usual, I am failing miserably.
I hope, I really hope things will be different this time, and I don't know exactly how. My muteness at present was not a good signal. How the hell am I going to deal with everything?
Somehow, by weighing in and pouring my knowledge, I had stabilized Ralph using various means, and I bet the same theory doesn't work twice. No adventure in the forest area, no sessions, nor any cliché things would work on Ralph.
I want to know what's going on in Ralph's mind, but at the same time, I am terrified to hear anything. I should have done something to that bastard while things were going in flow, but now it's on the verge of rinsing. This whole situation has affected Ralph more than one could predict. I never thought Asher would drop to such a level, considering his hierarchy.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now, but those marks on Ralph are making them feed on. I know Ralph is not aware of anything right now, but they were victoriously taunting me. Did Asher win by completely breaking Ralph? I was terror-struck on the spot.
I was in front of Ralph, who was seeing everything but me. His first withdrawal steps. He will detach himself from me and everyone by taking a slow step backward. Somehow, I should get hold of this situation, but again, I am not getting how.
My life wasn't perfect. I paddled and huddled all these years, and I somehow reached where I am, but it's not perfect. Then there was Ralph, always barging without permission and making me fall for him without either of us knowing. Ralph's presence always made me feel it was perfect, and I started enjoying every moment. Now, our lives have turned upside down with the same intensity, even when the victim was Ralph.
The first time, when I took a determined step to approach Ralph, he was suffering, and by the end, I was heartbroken. The second time, Ralph was going through the same pain, but he hid it well, and once again, we reached the point where he was breaking, I was in agony.
Are we meant to be?
Where one person is always going through heartbreak and betrayal, and the other person will always end up in a lot of pain. Either way, I am entangled, I am being dragged, and I am being pushed to witness Ralph suffering and his pain.
I never dreamed of leading my life this way. After achieving everything, it feels like nothing, and always one person is the center of my world, and the same person ends up dragging me into his misery by adding more to me. I curse everyone who is leading a beautiful, happy life with their loved ones, and my life is hijacked by my own hand. The hijacker is opening the door, giving me the option of running, and I am not thinking of joining a marathon, like before.
Definitely, something is wrong with me.
"We should leave." Without meeting my eyes, Ralph nodded his head. Oh god, is this how pang feels? It feels worse than my first heartbreak.
I started walking, and Ralph started following me obediently. We were in the elevator, and Ralph was beside me, maintaining distance. "I don't know how I ended up with him." That's the first sentence that he spoke, in a low, defeated voice. "I was dancing only that much, I remember." Once again, he started babbling, and I was blank.
He was clearing things that I didn't ask for. I should be happy, but my anger only got worse. Ralph was still muttering slowly, but I wanted him to stop all this nonsense. He doesn't need to defend himself when I know what the hell exactly happened. An asshole can understand another asshole, but I would never drop to such a level.
I couldn't open my mouth to say something in return. I should have said some consoling words to get rid of the stupid guilt he was feeling, but I couldn't. As usual, I was numb with loss of words. I will always go mute at the right time, and I proved myself right at this time, too.
The car ride was silent, where he distanced himself in the other corner, and I deepened my clenching. I couldn't find words no matter what. My mouth was opening to say something, but when I faced Ralph, it shut without wasting time. My cowardice will always find the right time and appear when I want to prove myself worthy. Nothing has changed. The same betrayal, heartbreak, running, pain, and bloody cowardness.
We started walking toward my flat, and I followed Ralph, still trying to open my mouth. One word or even one sentence from my heart was enough. It wasn't going to erase what had happened, but the sentence or word would have made some changes. The distance that formed all of a sudden between us would have been shortened.
"Don't follow." I halted my steps, which were behind Ralph, in confusion. "I want to be alone, right now." Without turning back by saying this, Ralph started walking toward the room. I stood in place, shocked, and the distance just grew higher and higher.
I retrived my steps back to the couch. Leaning back, I exhaled sharply. I removed my specs, rubbed my eyes, and stretched my neck to ease tension on my shoulders. I want to think of my next move, but everything was blank and numb, including my mind. I am still alive. I threw my specs on the table, pulled my hair back, and faced sealing.
Hallowness is what I felt.
What's next? What is Ralph doing by locking up? What might he be thinking at present? Why are things never easy for me, only when I get involved with Ralph?
The sun shone through the window, hitting my face, which I barely covered. I didn't even think of changing my outfit from yesterday after what had happened. I don't know what to feel right now. I let my guard down, and I was screwed to the core. Asher would never drop so low, but constant rejection can push one. Once again, I am bearing the consequences of his doing; it will always be me, one way or another.
As I entered the room, I dropped on the bed, and I haven't moved a muscle. I was able to get some sleep, thank God. Right now, wide awake, gaining memory of previous night. Our moans, orgasms that I really don't have count of, and I bet there are bruises all over.
Did I enjoy the sex? I was screaming and moaning with the same passion, even when I had been drugged, and I was in the same vulnerable state on the bed. I was lusting over every thrust; my wildness was undeniable; I provoked the person, and I initiated more rounds. Those bites were driving me crazy, those kisses were making me mad, the tug-of-war on the bed was pushing me to the edge, and the cum flogged my memory, and I ended up craving more.
I remember every memory of the last night as the drug passed and consciousness came back. Every moment, moans after moans, screams after screams, thrust after thrust, and our orgasms. Last night was insanely passionate with a different person and not with the person I woke up with. My passionate night turned into horror when I got to know who I spent my night with.
I was drugged and had sex, and I ended up in trauma. Only one could wish for. One thing is clear: nothing is going to change in my life. Asher won't let go of me, and I will always be dragged back with or without my permission. I am done with this shitty life, which was going nowhere, where I am stuck. It's high time; I need to do something about it without wasting time.
I should start with these two; my priority is the owner of this flat.
After yesterday's incident, I don't know how much more careful I need to be. I should take very conscious steps with precautions. I can't trust anyone anymore, but that doesn't mean I am going to blame everyone but myself. It was my fault. I let my guard down, I left my safe cocoon, and I ended up being drugged.
How can one person be conscious 24/7? I wanted to be carefree at one point and enjoy life without worry, and this is not the result of my carefreeness. I can't be drugged and used so easily, yet I was. Nothing was going to stop Asher; he proved it once again.
He doesn't stop; he doesn't let go of me that easily; he will always make sure I end up with him just in time; he will make sure of it. I shuddered at the thought, at those past memories and his betrayal, and I am getting heartbroken once again. Everything will keep on repeating like a broken record in my life if I let things happen like yesterday.
I need to do something. I need to act fast, and it should start with saying goodbye to Reece. He has his precious life, which he should worry about, and I don't want him to drag like before.
I need a break, Reece needs one, and I should give one to Asher.
After making up my mind, I stood up abruptly. I checked my surroundings and walked toward my closet. I pulled a few clothes that would suffice for now; without changing or getting freshened up, I exited my room. I sighed heavily with determination. I walked toward Reece, who was wide awake, glaring at something.
Reece slowly faced me, and his eyes went to my luggage bag. He was confused and slowly got up, facing me. We stared at each other; I wanted to wait for a few more minutes, hoping to hear something from him. I inwardly chuckled when seconds turned into minutes, and like always, he was mute.
This was awkward, this whole thing. I was having sex with him without commitment; still, I am feeling guilty for last night. I am hoping for something when the hope died a long time ago. I didn't acknowledge the signs, but I was hoping for a change, and it never came. I guess I will always expect things from the wrong person, or I am expecting too much, or I don't deserve any of it. Which is it?
He didn't utter a word, as usual. I don't know what was going on in his mind, what he was weighing, and whether I will weigh more. Which will win in his mind battle, whether his pros or cons, whatever it might be, I will lose the battle without even taking part in it. When it comes to his mind battle and professional life, I would never have a chance of winning because at that time, I would never be his priority. It will be his struggles, his fear, and the poor life that he came from that will pull us apart.
Status is status; I guess people won't hesitate or hold back, and it's too late to change anything. I dealt with every shit, and I am finally done with it. After everything, I should have walked out without uttering a word to him, but I couldn't. He doesn't deserve any explanation, but I am too soft-hearted to walk out.
With a little provocation, I will give in to Asher, and with no provocation, I will just give in to Reece. I wasn't able to grasp why, or maybe it was his face or his whole existence with stubbornness, along with so much hesitation. Overall, it's him and the obvious sign.
Yesterday, I was not able to meet his eyes because of guilt, and I don't know why I felt that I betrayed him once again. Today, just numbness and determination to get rid of everything for good. These two are good for nothing.
"I am going back to my flat." He wasn't expecting that, but after seeing the luggage, he had guessed. "Why?" I sighed at his gall of questioning. "Asher won't let go of me, and he proved that. I am done. I need a break from everything." "But." I interrupted him from completing his bullshit. "Don't contact me if it's not professional."