The sight of the house before me brought up some odd feelings. When I was feeling my worst I would never have expected to see this place again, especially in the context of this situation. Then I chose to have Petunia as a student and the prospect of seeing her house again became something to be expected instead of the insane scenario it was before.
I was able to avoid seeing this place for a rather long time all things considered. Petunia may be extremely excited about learning magic but she was intent on hiding this development from her family until she established herself firmly. Then my relationship with Lily came out and she was a bit more tactful about all this. Not tactful enough to ignore the entire situation but British sensibilities only went so far when family was involved.
I let out another sigh and I knew it was not going to be the last one I was going to let out today. I may have agreed to this situation but as the point came closer to being real I felt more and more unsettled about everything. The urge to run and avoid all of this was strong but I firmed up my will as avoiding this today was only going to lead to more hassle later on. Petunia was not going to give up on this topic and I did not truly feel that torn up about all of this. So it only made sense to give Lily some closure.
Even if my emotions were conflicted about all of this.
It was not coming from a place of anger or rage but it was a heavy mood that hung awkwardly around me. I had put Lily to rest in my mind and I felt no need to see her again so approaching this conversation was never on my mind. I was not sure how to approach this, how to deal with a depressed girl who felt such a strong need to talk to me when I was fine with leaving her alone. To Lily I was her best friend the type of person you could spill your darkest secrets and they would never hear the light of day. To her I was that excited child who's eyes gleamed as he proclaimed her a witch. The boy who latched onto her with everything he had. The boy that she hurt over and over again, something she was going to regret if only because she was too kind for her own good.
Again I let out a sigh.
That last comment was a disservice to the girl I once loved. She was not upset just because of her kindness. Lily and I did have a bond that she did truly appreciate but it was not the type of bond I was searching for. If I never pushed her against that hard rock things would have sailed along this river with not a single wave capsizing the boat. In the end, I was the one who pushed this girl to test her morality and care against the bond she was forging with me.
It was an unfair test built upon lies that I was feeding her but it was a test all the same. Her failing that test was for the best in the end even if that moment was not something I wanted back then. I was not a hero in a story that was willing to hurt or sacrifice my loved ones for the sake of the world and the type of love I was searching for would reflect that. Ashley had her issues but I had no doubt in my mind if it came down to me or the world she would choose me ten out of ten times.
Lily would never have been capable of doing the same. I bit my lip as I thought over that thought. I was making a judgment on her that had no way of being proven true. Lily did not love me back then, she cared about me but she certainly did not love me. So saying she would not make the same choices Ashley would was a bit harsh. It was just that something in my gut told me she would not be able to do it. Ashley and I had very little taboo in the sense of morality so our actions fit together rather well but Lily was a sweet innocent girl. So I could not see her being able to murder or hurt others for the sake of love.
I felt like slapping myself. This was one of the reasons I did not want to see Lily again. I was prone on ruminating on my thoughts and actions so I was bound to dissect our relationships past and present. I did not want to spend time on such a pointless endeavor but here I was standing outside of her home with thoughts flashing across my mind.
I was tempted to walk into the house in front of me to get over with this but Petunia told me to wait outside as she made sure everything was clear. I felt like it was pointless but she insisted upon this and I was willing to follow her lead on this. I regretted that now but that was only because I was sitting here doing nothing so my mind was dissecting everything even remotely related to today's visit.
I could only hope that Petunia came out of the house quickly. The house in front of me was bringing up way too many thoughts. Memories that tasted sweet and feelings of nostalgia and warm affection grew ever so slowly as those memories came to my mind. It was not unpleasant but I was trying to move past all of this and those warm memories were not helping that. Whatever I was a big boy I was not going to let memories hold me down as they were just memories.
Finally, after what felt like hours Petunia stuck her blond little head out of the front door and gestured for me to come in. While she was doing that she was looking around the street as if making sure the coast was clear. I raised an eyebrow at the sight as I did not really see why she was so cautious about all of this. I had come to this place thousands of times and I could not really think of why she would be so nervous about her surroundings.
Seeing the impatience in her eyes I started walking into the house with a questioning look still on my face. Seeing that look Petunia shot me an equally confused look.
"What?" She questioned as she stopped being cautious with the both of us inside of the house.
"What's up with all the caution? I'm just here for a conversation not to steal the Declaration Of Independence." I asked flatly, It was not that interesting of a topic but I was honestly confused about her actions. She gave me an equally flat look as if questioning my intelligence which I took offence at. She was my student so if I was an idiot she was the student of an idiot, so who was the dumbest one now?
Seeing the look on my face she let out a scoff.
"Dad's pretty upset with you." She shot out like that point made total sense. What the fuck did I do to him? We may not have the best relationship as I was a boy trying to get close to his daughter but it was never blatantly hostile.
"Dare I ask why he is so upset with me?" I questioned as we awkwardly stood at the entrance. She rolled her eyes at me as if I should already know what was going on.
"Do I really have to spell it out?" She questioned shooting me the same look she was sporting earlier. The flat look I shot her sealed the deal as she let out a sigh.
"Lily has been crying her eyes out and your name is constantly leaving her mouth as she sobs. You can figure out the rest right?" She shot out and I suddenly felt like all this caution was perfectly reasonable. Sure, the guy was a regular guy and he could not kill me no matter what he did but I still did not want to deal with an irate father. A father that already did not have the best impression about me.
For a moment I felt outraged that I was being blamed for Lily's current state but that faded quickly. The guy did not have the whole picture and this was her father so I needed to cut him some slack here. So I let Petunia lead me deeper into the house as the subject faded from our minds.
The familiar rooms and halls brought up those memories again but I was able to ignore them for the most part. Sure it was nice being here as this home was an escape from my home life for the longest time but it was not that important. We were almost at the staircase when I heard an almost quiet gasp from one of the rooms we passed.
I stopped and looked over which caused Petunia to pause and look over as well. The sight that greeted me was Lily's and Petunia's mother. I should have expected that she was here as the only person that Petunia listed as mad at me was their father.
The woman was looking at me like she could not believe what she was seeing. I imagine she was looking at me and trying to come to terms with the changes that have taken place with me. While she was doing that I looked her over as well.
I had never really noticed before but she was certainly beautiful. I guess it made sense as Lily's looks had to come from someone. The woman had blonde hair and green eyes that were accompanied by a face that was mature but supple. Lily got her eyes from her and her hair from her father. Another reason to avoid the man as I was more than familiar with the rage of an irate red head.
"Oh my." The woman let out as she seemed to finally come to terms with what she was seeing. I gave her a calm and polite smile. This woman had opened up her home to me when I was younger and I appreciated that even if Lily and I were no longer on good terms. I guess I had another reason to have this conversation.
"It's nice to see you again Mam, I'm sorry that I caused Lily such distress." I apologized sincerely as I looked over at her with a softer expression. I did not regret Lily's current state I was just sorry to the woman that treated me like a part of her family as I grew. She would never replace my mother but in those dark moments when I ran from my pain she was certainly a maternal figure in my mind.
"I won't say it's alright Severus, Lily has been absolutely torn about the spat you are going through but I understand that Lily blames herself for what is going on." She let out a tired sigh. Her eyes gleamed as she looked upstairs with a concerned look. She did not blame me for this but at the same time, she was not on my side either. It was understandable and I took no offence at it.
The fact that she was cordial with me at all was a surprise. I just gave her a quiet nod. I was not going to make any promises about making things right as I had no intention of following through on that but I would treat Lily kinder than I would have previously.
"Ma, we got to do this before Dad gets back." Petunia let out quietly from the side. She did not want to interrupt her mother but she was really concerned about her father.
"Oh, don't let me hold the two of you. Lily really needs you right now Severus. I hope you can be there for her. As a favor to this old woman." She let out with soft but determined look. I opened my mouth to respond but thought better of it. Instead, I just kept my silence. She seemed concerned about that but she let it go for now as she shoved us towards the staircase.
I was not expecting to experience guilt by coming here but I had been ignoring anything that was connected to Lily. So I was able to lay a cold and calm outlook on the girl for the most part. Now I had to remember that Lily was not the only one who treated me well. Sure, this woman's affection was tied to my relationship with Lily but I could not really blame her for that. Lily was her daughter after all, but that did not mean that her affection in my mind was fake. The woman did care for me at least to a certain degree.
Now I had to face the prospect of guilt in regards to my handling of Lily. I could not bring the relationship we had back to life, I just did not have it in me but could Lily accept that? Or would she still be upset for the days to come, putting weight on that poor woman's mind? I let out a sigh as we made our way upstairs. I was right about that other sigh not being the last I just expected to at least see Lily before I let out another.
That was not going to be a problem as the door in front of me was familiar. I had opened it countless times but as I stood in front of it now I felt hesitant. I had a clear game plan in mind when I came here but that had been torn down and I had no idea what to do. Leaving this to another day sounded increasingly pleasant Petunia had scurried away when I got here so I had no one watch me. The issue was the guilt would be eating away at me now that I had a stake in this.
I was a monster but I was a sentimental one so I could not bring myself to hurt this family anymore. So I opened the door even if I felt like I was moving far too slowly.
The same familiar room greeted me. The familiar scent filled my nose as I walked in slowly like a coyote searching for food wary of predators. The room was messier than I was used to but Lily clearly had other things on her mind. The scattered books and clothes lying all over the place speaking miles about her current mindset.
I would be confused about where Lily was but the lump on her bed covered by a blanket told me enough. I stood awkwardly not sure what to do, my game plan was already in the trash and I did not really want to just remove the blanket.
"I don't wanna talk right now Ma." Lily let out quietly beneath the sheets. Her voice was raspy and sad, it was a stark difference from the passionate voice I was used to hearing. Again I felt conflicted but I had already come this far I was not going to run again.
"Lily it's me." I let out quietly. The blanket shook for a moment before it was moved away in a hurry as she tried to escape from the little cocoon she had put herself in. She managed to pop her head out of it rather quickly, considering how tied up she got herself.
The sight was cute in a way, if you ignored the state she was in when she left the cocoon. The girl still had puffy red eyes and her head was messy as it clearly needed a good combing. She blinked as if trying to decide if her vision was telling the truth about what she was seeing. Tears started gathering in her eyes again as she looked even more dejected which was honestly baffling.
"Great another nightmare." She let out bitterly as she looked over at me. I blinked slowly in incomprehension. I understood the words themselves but it just seemed so odd hearing them in this situation.
"What is it this time? Are you going to yell at me about how you trusted me? Are you going to silently stare at me with those eyes? Or are you going to ask me to choose again?" She asked bitterly with increasing fervor. The energy in her words was something I was far more used to dealing with.
I took in her words and got the context. She was having nightmares about what happened between us and she was treating my appearance as just another one of them. Before I could say anything to dispel that dumb idea Lily left her little cocoon fully.
She was not dressed for outside attention. As far as I could see she only had on a baggy t-shirt that I recall giving her years ago. I had tracked it down after weeks of searching as she said something about liking the band that was on it. There were not a lot of sizes left and I offered to shrink it with magic but when she saw the thing she said it was perfect as it was.
I felt my mouth dry as I looked over at her. I may not care for her as I did before but as she stood in front of me with so very little on I felt my heart speed up. I could not deny I was attracted to her and seeing her like this was not helping my conflicted emotions here.
She stepped closer to me getting into my personal space. I took a step back as I did not want to entangle with the girl in front of me who thought she was having a nightmare.
"Just do what you want to do….just don't leave. Please Sev." She let out pleadingly as she looked up at me with tear filled eyes. Her voice raspy as it was before but quivering as looked over at me as if trying to etch my image into her mind.
The sight and the words she let out softened my heart further. The hate and anger I felt for this girl had long since faded. I treated her as any other stranger for the most part. The issue I was having here was the combos I was receiving here. The bond from my student dragging me here even if I did not want to, the warm affection of her mother hoping that I could mend the bridge for her daughter's sake. Then the daming blow of a sincere plea to not be left alone again. It was a familiar wish that had my heart throbbing in pain.
It was difficult to treat her as a stranger after all of that.
She then stepped into my space again but this time I had too much on my mind to step back. So she was able to get her arms around me as she tried to mold herself into my body as she gripped onto me. When she did so I stiffened from the sudden contact.
I moved to remove her but the tightness and the desperate need to hold onto me caused me to stop for a moment. The sobs sounding out from her as she gripped onto me and the warm track of tears falling onto my chest furthered my hesitance.
"Sorry…I'm Sorry Sev, please….Please Sev. Don't go." She let out between sobs as she gripped onto me like I would disappear at any moment. She then repeated her tear filled apologies into my chest over and over again.
My head felt like it was spinning. I thought this conversation would be quick and cold. Some closure to the girl I once loved. Yet here I stood with her tears soaking my chest and I had no idea how to treat this girl.
I gritted my teeth grabbed onto her shoulders and picked her up and placed her away from me. I held her away from me the furthest I could with my arm's length. I then kept her there.
She looked dejected and more sobs left her but she also looked like she expected the outcome. Before she could do any more actions I finally found some words to say.
"It's really me Lily, this is not a dream. So collect yourself please." I let out tiredly as I just wanted to have a simple conversation with her but this happened. She looked over at me with those same blank tear filled eyes with an expression that screamed she did not believe me.
I let out a sigh as I should have expected that. I'm sure she has heard plenty of things from her dream version of me. So I reached up and flicked her head, she let out a quiet yelp but looked back at me again. Seeing her not reacting I felt my eye brow twitch.
"You can't feel pain in a dream so you have to be awake right?" I questioned between my gritted teeth. Lily blinked as she took in my words and what just happened. The dead look in her eyes shifted ever so slightly as some light bloomed in them. She then looked over at me with a far more desperate urgency.
"You're really here Sev?" She questioned out with an even worse quiver as she trembled in front of me. I nodded at the girl here and she struggled to get back to hugging me in a desperate grip. I did not expect her to be so bold to hug me in her current dress but I think she had other things on her mind. It was a good thing I had far more strength. I did not need a half naked busty red head mushing her body into mine right now.
Her failure did not stop her struggle to get closer to me but she seemed to think about something as she looked up at me with those tear filled eyes again. She then let out a sob and the dejection radiating off of her had my heart throbbing again.
"Stop please." I let out as I did not want this conversation to veer any further. I did not have a game plan any longer but I could just let my heart do the talking. Hearing my words she stopped struggling but she looked like the world was ending.
"Our relationship is dead and buried Lily." I let out quietly, trying to work through what I was feeling right now.
"Please Sev." She let out with a desperate urgency and I increased the pressure I had on her shoulders.
"Let me finish." I let out calmy as I looked over at her.
"I don't hate you Lily, let me get that out first so you can listen to the rest of this." I let out as it was true. I no longer hated her and that perspective that brought made my thoughts on her increasingly clear.
"When I let go of the anger I was feeling, I was able to look at that moment and see things clearer. You were pushed into a rock and a hard place and I pushed you there." I admitted as the whole final mess between us was my doing, sure she chose to hurt me but I lead her to that path.
Lily seemed dejected but that was to be expected.
"I loved you Lily, from the bottom of my heart you had my everything but when push came to shove you chose Potter over me and that hurt so damn much. I know part of your choice was because his life was in the balance but so was mine. I just wished you picked me." Again I admitted as this was something both of us needed to hear. She stiffened and looked at me in incomprehension on her face. I let out a laugh as of course me liking her was the most baffling part of all of this.
"I was a mess for the longest time Lily, you were my salvation in the darkest nights. Of course, I loved you Lily." I let out with a bitter laugh as Lily looked like she was seeing me for the first time. A blush started building her her face but she still seemed shocked by all of this.
"That was the problem, Lily. I put you on a pedestal in my mind. To me you were this perfect creature from a fairy tale as you saved me from the hopelessness I felt. I fell in love with the image of you in my head and that was not fair to you. The relationship we had was never healthy, I never really got to know you, and in turn I hid so much of myself so you would not leave me alone. So you never got to know me either." I explained now that I got to this point I felt comfortable letting go of her shoulders. I was proven right as she stood still and looked over at me with thoughts flashing in her mind.
"So that relationship being dead and buried is the best for the both of us," I explained and there was an outraged expression on her face but she was waiting for me to finish before she responded.
I let out a small seeing that and I then locked gazes with her.
"That relationship may be dead Lily but we can build something again Lily. Something a bit healthier." I spoke out softly. I did not plan on this bit but this day was far more emotionally charged than I wanted. The light that dimmed in her eyes seemed to blaze into life as she took in my words. Silence hung in the air and it built for a good long time.
"Is that everything?" She asked with some life in her voice. I nodded and before I knew it she was once more gripping onto me hugging me as tightly as she could.
I stood awkwardly as Lily hugged me with everything she had. This entire day has been a bit of a wild ride for me. I had laid the past behind me but due to a series of blows I was willing to let this girl back into my life. So I should be fine with this girl holding onto as she is. Considering my current state I could confidently say that I was not comfortable with this situation.
I may have felt a certain amount of softness for this girl now but I had grown used to viewing her in a more disinterested manner. I could not bring myself to comfort her right now but I could also not bring myself to push her away either. So I could only stand awkwardly as she used my chest as a sponge for all of her tears.
Lily was coming at this from the angle of things getting back to normal. The issue with that was I did not want things to return to how they were. The relationship we had was a problem and I was not willing to rehash that. That thought firmed my resolve as I once more picked her up and put her away from me.
She seemed absolutely stunned with this turn of events, considering the look on her face. There was a hint of hurt and fear as she did not know what she did wrong. Why I would push her away when I had opened up the channel for us to get closer again? I wanted to rub the bridge of my nose and let out a sigh but that would only confuse her more so I went to explain some basic issues.
"Lily, you're half naked," I explained calmly as I looked at the girl in front of me with a flat look. It may not be the only reason to push her away but it was one that would really resonate with her. The hurt and confusion on her face faded as she looked down at her current attire and stiffened. She looked back up at me almost robotically and the blush that was building on her face continued to build up. At the rate it was going she might be able to cook an egg on her head with the heat it was producing.
Before she could freak out or explain anything I turned around to go into the hallway to give her some space to change. Before I could get even two steps away Lily scrambled.
"Don't go!" She all but shouted in her haste it was only the desperation in her voice that had me pausing my retreat. I turned around and looked at her and she was still beet red but there was something in her stance that told me she would rather be completely naked instead of having me leave this room right now.
"Lily I'm just going to the hallway while you change," I explained calmly as she fidgeted but she did not remove her gaze from me no matter how embarrassed she was. She seemed to be struggling to find a reason for me to stay in this room but she was having issues there.
"I'm not continuing this conversation with you dressed like this Lily. I'm sure you can find something to wear quickly. I'll just be outside for a moment." I let out softly as if talking to a small animal. I understood why she was acting like this for the most part so I was not going to make this a big deal but her current state of dress was giving me sanity damage.
The sight would have been the holy grail for me years ago but all it was doing for me now was bring me issues. Ashley has been pretty lenient in regards to my entanglement with Rias but this would be a step too far for her. She knew how I once felt about Lily and bringing her into my current absurd situation would rattle her further. Not that I was planning on bringing Lily into it any ways.
Rias had a certain amount of goodwill with me but Ashley dominated my romantic feelings for the most part. The sour feeling of jealousy surged from my chest and let out a sigh. Sorry, Fortuna but it's going to be a fair bit before I could see you in that context either. She seemed to be mollified by that but the jealousy still lingered in my mind.
At least you beat Lily in regard to my romantic feelings. That seemed to make Fortuna happier but she still felt like she was pouting. I guess she did not view that as a grand accomplishment which I got. That girl was starting off with a negative balance after all. Seeing Lily as romantic partner was the furthest thing from my mind even if I was attracted to her.
"Just turn around." Lily let out shyly interrupting my thoughts. I slowly blinked at her trying to figure out if I heard what I thought I heard.
"I'm sorry did you say to just turn around? I asked as I could not picture a world where that would be true but reality was telling me that it was. Hearing my question Lily glared at me and for a moment I felt like I really did mishear her but she just nodded stiffly at me. I go to try to convince her to be reasonable but she looked back at me with quivering lips and glistening eyes.
Seeing the rawness of her emotional state right now I hesitated. Why was my life filled with tip toeing around girl's issues? I let out a sigh as I was the one getting involved with women who were emotionally charged. In this particular case, I was the one who built this bomb so I should expect to have to deal with it.
I turned around and felt stupid staring at her wall while she started to dress behind me. I heard shuffling behind me and various pieces of clothing being thrown about as Lily tried to find something she wanted to wear. Wait why was I troubled by this? She could have just put some pants on and everything would be kosher for the most part. She did not even need to get naked she already had a shirt on that covered her important bits. Was I losing IQ points in the face of a half naked red head? Was she also losing those IQ points?
My thoughts ground to a halt when I heard a soft click behind me. My enhanced hearing did not allow me to miss it and I felt my body stiffen as I heard similar noises before. When I would undo Ashley's bra or when she was feeling lazy and wanted me to dress her like a little doll….Either Lily was taking her bra off or she was not wearing one before and she was putting on one now.
I was tempted for a brief moment to find out which one but I killed that thought with extreme prejudice. I had already broken my quota of naked red head sightings for the year I did not need to see this one. I did quietly curse in my mind as the temptation was still there.
The shuffling behind me continued for a good bit but I noticed I did not hear another click.
"You can turn around now." Lily let out quietly. With that I turned around to see how she dressed. She was still wearing that shirt I gave her but she was wearing some jogging pants now. I could not tell if she was wearing a bra now but I was pretty sure she hugged me almost naked earlier.
Beyond her state of dress, Lily seemed like she had collected herself a bit better. She was still watching me as if I would disappear if she let her eyes leave my frame for a moment. There was also something else in her eyes but it seemed to be overshadowed by her need to watch me.
Silence hung in the air as I did not really have anything to say to her right now and Lily was to embarrassed to bring up anything. I twitched as I had no idea what to do now. I could not spend the rest of my life in her field of view but she clearly needed to see me right now.
I was willing to get to know her again but not at the expense of the rest of my life. I could not exactly bring her around with me all the time. It would be annoying as I enjoyed my privacy some times. The only person who could follow me around like a lost puppy was Ashley but she got sick of that in Sword Art Online. Now she was fine with giving me some space but when we did hang out she was glued to me.
"Umm Sev?" Lily let out hesitantly as she stared at me with that gleam in her eyes rising. Again she broke me out of my thought process but part of that train of thought was dealing with this awkwardness so score. I was not sure what she wanted to ask but it was clearly important if she was willing to break out of her own stupor.
So I looked at her calmly waiting for the follow up. Seeing that she caught my attention she fidgeted again and she was clearly having issues getting the next bit out but I was willing to wait around for whatever she had building up.
"You….You said you loved me?" Lily asked hesitantly but the gleam in her eyes flashed but I was too baffled by the question to pay attention to it. I should have expected this but I still felt a little blindsided. What was I expecting I did snitch on myself earlier but I was following my heart and I was not really thinking about the follow up.
I was able to gather myself quickly at least even if I did not expect this outcome. Lily was nervous and clearly wanted to hear more from me and I was finally able to see the gleam flashing in her eyes. She held a certain amount of affection for me in her eyes seeing that I knew how to respond.
"Loved as in past tense. I already told you our past relationship is dead Lily. So don't think about the past, we can only build something new." I shot out calmy and Lily seemed dejected about that but I was not going to open that can of worms. She seemed like she wanted to prod me further on this so I let out a sigh, interrupting her questions.
"This can't be that much of a surprise Lily. You knew how people looked at you. I'm sure you could get a date with anyone at Hogwarts even the ones in a relationship. Is it so surprising that the boy who spent most of his time with just you would be infatuated with you?" I asked her and she seemed stunned that I would even ask that. The atomic blush was again building on her face as she looked away from me. She looked like she got my point at least.
I was not even lying about her level of attraction. Lily was beautiful even the racist bastards I hung around with would have accepted that date. They would hate her for being a muggleborn but that would not stop them from fucking her. I felt a surge of familar anger at that thought for a moment I was worried I was falling into bad habits but the anger faded quickly so it was just a minor amount of anger. The anger I would feel with my friend being hurt.
"In the end, it does not matter. I have moved on from that. I even managed to get myself a girlfriend." I let out with a bright smile. Lily's eyes widened and a flash of hurt went through her eyes. She needed to hear that to end her train of thought and I did receive some pleasure from her reaction but it was an afterthought.
The hurt flashing in her eyes was amusing for the most part. I kind of felt like a cat playing around with a mouse. It was the type of amusement Ashley got from being her self and I could see why she did it. Although I was not going to make it a habit but this situation really did call for it.
Lily needed to hear that little piece of information if our relationship was going to grow in any sense. So it was better to rip off that little bandage right now instead of postponing it. It was possible for that information to be hidden when I did not state my previous feelings but that slipped rather easily so I just had to roll with what I had.
Now that we had an understanding about our current status things should be okay for the most part. Lily was a decent person to know and someone I would enjoy talking to occasionally. She had the raw intelligence to bounce ideas off of and the passion and energy she threw into everything was a joy to see. Even if she was not feeling particularly like herself at the moment. I was sure she would recover now that things did not look that dire between us.
As she stood awkwardly trying to parse how she felt about my words and revelations, I did have a worry building in my head. I hoped Lily did not wish for too much from this relationship; the type of closeness we had previously would be impossible to reach now. Not just because my romantic attention was focused elsewhere but because I could not bring myself to trust her. I could share some things with her but anything that tilted to the morally grey would be a risk with her so I could not open up too much.
Granted I did not really have anything morally upsetting planned. My plans for our world were to study magical creatures and brew my potions. Both of those things could be done with very little interaction with the general populace. I did not really need experimental subjects as I relied on my luck to narrow down poor pathways so there was no need to freak out about human life. Hell, I was going to save a lot of lives when I gave Slughorn the phoenix tear recipe to introduce to the magical world on my behalf.
I have done some questionable things with my robbery of a muggle military base and my extraction of luck from millions of people. I also robbed the Prince family and may have murdered some vampires but I had nothing else on my plate in regard to morally wrong things. Fortuna was fucking around with some people but she would not kill anyone because that would leave her with fewer targets so Lily did not even have to worry about that.
I was a bit more extreme when I dealt with people in other worlds but the people I fucked with deserved it. Two fucks that trapped people in apartments to slowly starve them and harvest their organs were not good people. They also had the audacity to hold rations over female tenets to fuck them. That thought had my blood boiling again and the cruel fate I dealt them did not feel like enough again.
I took a deep breath and let the anger bleed out of me. Those fuckers deserved everything I did to them. Beyond those two fuck heads I killed a dumb demon worshiper and a yokai that was planning on throwing the human world into chaos filled with murder, rape, and as much violence as humanity was capable of. So yeah the violence I inflicted on them was appropriate as far as I was concerned.
I may call myself a monster but that was more about the mindset. I was willing to do anything to reach my goals but with my current skill set, I did not have to go to extremes to achieve my goals. Fortuna made furthering my skills laughably easy and the Chat Group filled in any grand plans as I just needed to sign in daily to get points to further my goals.
"Sev? Are you alright?" Lily asked hesitantly as if afraid of how I was going to react. I blinked at her and felt confused for a moment but as I got a better look at her I got it. She was nervous and was looking at me like she stepped on a landmine but she was not sure how she did it.
When I was thinking about those two guards I was angry. Really angry and the malice I had growing off of me must have been pretty obvious. So Lily was worried she said something that triggered me and that I was furious at her again. I gave her a small smile to show I was not angry at her as I did not even have a problem with her at the moment.
"Sorry, with all this silence I got lost in thought and I remembered something that really pushed my buttons. We are good Lily, not great but all the anger I felt for you had long since faded. You don't have to tip toe around me Lily." I explained softly to show her that I was not going to take offense at her actions. There were only a couple of things that would really anger me and she was not exactly capable of doing those things.
"Oh, that's good." She mumbled out as she looked at her feet. Again there was this awkwardness in the air as she had no idea how to approach me now that I had put on some boundaries. She had tried to get things back to normal with that hug but I was no longer the Sev that would allow that.
Her current state was certainly better than her sad and depressed visage from before but she was still a long way from being normal. So I might as well take the first step.
" Let's go downstairs your family is worried about you and I'm sure they would appreciate seeing you out of your little cocoon." I let out with a small good natured grin on my face. Lily took in my words and looked embarrassed about her current state but she firmed her resolve and gave me a determined nod. Lily was many things but when it came to those she cared about she tried her best to be there for them.
"So how has Hogwarts been since I left?" I asked idly as we started walking out of her room. Lily seemed to freeze up with my question but she recovered with a small smile starting to build on her face. I guess she was taking my initiative as a good sign.
"I don't really know, I could not really pay attention to anything happening around me." She let out with another embarrassed look on her face but I noticed she was watching me to see how I reacted to that. I gave her a small smile and a soft chuckle.
"No, I suppose you were not in the best place." I let out with some mirth. Considering the state I found her in it would make sense that she had been living in a fugue state for a good long while. Again she looked like she did not know how to handle my current reaction. I guess she settled on my mirth was a good sign as she got some energy back into her but she then had her eyes widening as she recalled something.
"You missed out on all of your exams! All those days of class to! Are you going to be okay!?" She shouted out in a rush as her concern for me blazed to life again. Seeing her panicked state and the energy she was putting off I started to laugh. She did not seem to take my laughter as a good thing as she threw a small glare at me. That only furthered my laughter.
"See there is the girl I knew, concerned about my well being but equally mad at me for my dumb decisions." I let out as I collected myself from my bout of laughter. Lily's eyes widened at my words and the blush that faded on her face started to make a fierce comeback but her current thought process overrode all of that.
"This is serious Sev, You might get held back or even expelled," Lily spoke out with concern and worry clear in her eyes even if the rest of her face was still red from my comment. I looked over at her with a small small.
"It's fine Lily, Dumbledore would rather cut off an arm than have me out of his influence. I'm not really scared about being expelled either." I let out with a confident look in my eyes. I was not planning on going back to Hogwarts for the most part so even if they expelled me it would not change any of my plans. Society might view me negatively but fuck them, I did not even use a wand for my magic so if they snapped the one I had big whoop.
"This is serious Sev, think about your future," Lily demanded, outraged by my casual disregard. Again I gave her an amused look but the small glare was back on her face, she was not going to let this go when it was for my own good.
"Lily, Hogwarts has never been that important for my future I was always going to be a Potion Master. My basic skills have already been polished to perfection all that is left is research on recipes and my career is set." I explained calmly and that took some of the wind from her sails but she still appeared distressed in my blaze attitude.
I could apply for a mastery right now and get it with no problem so research was not even needed but she did not need to know that. I had taken away the knowledge of Fortuna from her so she did not know the full extent of my prowess. She knew I had made some sort of potion and its effect was out of my control for the most part but she did not know the important parts.
She looked like she wanted to find an argument to change my mind but she was failing to find one. That failure was making her increasingly upset and she was looking at me with such desperate need that I paused my steps for a moment. I started walking again but I thought over her actions now.
She was getting out of the fugue she had trapped herself in but her needing me has not really changed. This was still the girl who would rather change with me in the room to keep her eyes on me. So when I blatantly said I would not be back at Hogwarts she was distressed as she had just gotten me back into her life.
Before I could finish my thoughts we finally made it to the kitchen. Petunia and her mother were sitting at a table tense but trying to relax with some biscuits and tea. When we entered the room the both of them seemed a little confused at our current state. I was calm with a relaxed smile on my face but Lily looked like she was working herself up over something but she did not look too upset. So they had no idea how to handle the current mood right now.
"Congratulations Ms. Evans the cocoon hatched and your depressed daughter has metamorphosed into a moody teen." I let out with a smug and insufferable smile on my face. Lily's mother started at me as if completely baffled about my change of mood.
"Sevvvvvvvvv," Lily whined out as she broke out of her mood if only to be upset about me embarrassing her in front of her mother. I gave her that smug insufferable smile which led to her letting out a huff. Seeing that interaction, Lily's mother relaxed and Petunia also wore a bright smile that screamed she knew it was going to end up like this.
"So the both of you made up?" Ms Evans asked as she looked over at me with some confusion. I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. The last time she saw me I could not even promise her that things would be good with me and Lily. Yet, ten minutes later I came back with her and the mood between us was not as poor as she expected.
"There was no way Severus could stay mad at Lily forever." Petunia let out with a smile that said everything was going according to plan. Lily shot me a shy look as she watched me. I felt my eyebrow twitch and I wanted to roll my eyes at her attitude. I mean she was not wrong I was not mad when I came here but I had no plans of establishing any kind of relationship with Lily.
"Made up is a strong word, our previous relationship was not that healthy so we are starting over again." I let out with a tired smile on my face. Lily again looked disappointed but she quickly recovered and looked back at me with determination. The smugness coming off of Petunia faded but seeing her Sister in a better state had her back to a cheery mode.
"Healthy?" Her mother questioned in some confusion but it also looked like she was thinking over something. This woman had known me for a long time so she had to have some inklings about me. She always treated me kinder than you would expect from a regular family friend and I was sure she knew that I did not have the best home life.
I just gave her a bland smile as I did not want to get into it and Lily looked away as well.