[AN: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you something I'd struggle to call 'tradition'. You see, I put out an April Fool's chapter maybe 2-3 years back and I've been MEANING to do a follow up. Well, here it is. Sit back and read through my attempt at humor and.. enjoy the omake]
Things had settled into a peaceful rythm for Yin nowadays. Taking over Vale's gangs was reaping her quite the rewards. She kicked her feet upon her desk and allowed herself but a moment to take it all in and relaaaax-
*BOOM!*
Until an ice cream themed Fox lady busted through her wall like some fucked up parody of the Kool-Aid man.
"YIN! It's time, babygirl!" Yin stared at her 'Mother' as she strut over and threw her onto her shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
"Wh..-Hecate? What the fuck are you doing? You rarely appear and now you just bust down my wall? Care to explain-" "NOPE!"
*SMACK!*
Hecate dismissed her daughter's reaction with a swift smack to her ass as she created a magic portal on the wall and proceeded to walk right through it while carrying Yin. She ignored Yin's kicking legs as she strutted right into a different area, an office of some sort. And within that office was a gobsmacked blonde woman and a mildly amused black haired older man in a butler's uniform.
"Hecate.. who is-" The woman started to ask but Yin managed to slip out of the Fox Goddess' clutches and sent a kick her face's way, the sheer force of it blowing away much of the papers on the blonde's desk.
Of course, Hecate blocked it with her arm and snickered at Yin's small frown.
"Easy~ Easy~ No need to get riled up! Nice choice of panties by the way. Thongs suit you!" Hecate complimented as Yin sighed and lowered her leg before looking at the distraught blonde looking at all the papers her kick scattered to the floor.
"Sorry about the mess. I blame her for bringing me here. I'm Yin." Yin immediately shifted the blame onto her 'Mother', who chortled.
"Haaah.. that's going to be such a headache.... for Walter to clean. Get on it, Walter." The now familiar blonde rose out of her chair and lit herself a cigar while giving Hecate the stink-eye.
"I don't know who this is or why you brought her with you but honestly? That casual kick tells me she's capable, so fuck it. You're just in time to meet the.. new hires." The blonde explained before turning to Yin.
"I'm Integra, by the way. Fair warning, if you're staying here then you'll be subject to all sorts of fuckery."
Yin's brow rose slightly at her words, then she turned to Hecate with a questioning look.
"Abridged?"
"Oh you know it, Babygirl~! Roman's here too. Well, my Roman. Based Roman. I figured you needed a vacation!" Hecate stated, hands on her hips proudly.
Yin sighed and looked at a confused Integra who seemed ready to just write off whatever bullshit came out of the Goddess' mouth, then to Walter, who was picking up the scattered papers on the floor.
'I bet you he's totally thinking of how hard he's gonna betray-cuck Integra later. If he's treated like this on the regular, I can sorta understand why..' Yin silently exhaled and shrugged.
"Fine fine. But you know we'd stomp anything in this verse easy right? Unless this is one of those amalgam universes like that one game maker girl. What was her name?"
Hecate snickered and pat Yin's back as they followed Integra out of her office.
"Freya, but no. This is just Hellsing. Well.. maybe add in a little chaotic elements. I killed GhostyZ and trapped him in a nightmare where he gets sexually ravaged by Z Broly, Armstrongs, Puri Prisoner and Mil-tan for an eternity. I'm guessing some low-tier God sent him here or whatever~."
Hearing Hecate's explanation, both Integra and Yin grimaced. But then Yin snorted in amusement.
"Ugh.. forgetting that for a moment. Hecate? Where did you leave Roman?" Integra asked, taking a long drag out of her cigar.
"Oh, you know. With Alucard. I think he wanted to see if that Dairy Queen was getting rebuilt after we crashed that car into it. I don't see why not.. We DID throw fifty-thousand pounds at them to shut them up." Hecate answered.
Immediately, Integra felt the beginnings of a headache coming on. She crushed the cigar in her hand and brusquely opened the doors to one of the large meeting rooms she had the Wild Geese mercenaries waiting in. Of course, she had Seras waiting by the back wall too but the girl was just nervously fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with the mercenaries.
"Listen close." Integra started to speak, dragging their attention away from the frustratingly gorgeous women standing behind her casually.
"You've all been subcontracted as personal bodyguards for the Hellsing Organization. As you've heard, we deal with special interest targets... Terrorists, cultists, and individuals who believe themselves to be of..." Integra chortles, looking at the mercenaries with an almost smug smirk. "a mystical persuasion."
The Wild Geese mercenaries simply started laughing in response. Then, their redheaded leader spoke up, seated across from them with his arms resting on the back support.
"Well... is there anything else we should be informed about the facility? Maybe.." He looked at Yin, then Hecate, then back at Seras.
"He probably thinks we're prostitutes or something." Yin whispered to Hecate, who laughed aloud in response.
"Oh he better think I'm a high class one at least! Looking this good, there's no way even all of Hellsing can afford me."
Integra just ignored Hecate's outburst and tried to finish the briefing before something derailed her cool impression she just tried building up.
"Everything you need to know has already been covered in the briefing."
""Three.. two.. o-"" Both Yin and Hecate counted down before Alucard himself phased through the wall all of a sudden.
"HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?"
"""AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"""
And cue the sound of over thirty Frenchmen screaming like little girls.
"STOP SCREAMING!" Integra yelled, her composure completely lost.
For a second, Yin swore she could hear the men whine like abused dogs. Then she looked at Alucard as he phased through the wall and laughed.
"So.. what's up with the pride meeting?" Alucard asked, then his attention turned to Hecate and Yin.
"Bestie~, Girl me." He greeted casually.
"Girl y-Hm.. actually..." Yin paused thoughtfully and ignored Hecate and Alucard's laughs.
"They're a mercenary group contracted all the soldiers we lost in the Valentine brothers'-"
"Wait are these guys French?" Alucard asked mockingly.
"Damn.. are you planning to fight the French? Because French people in a war against anyone else, it's like Hello Kitty. But French people killing other French people, it's like the fucking Expendables.." Yin stated, getting quite a few grunts of approval from Pip and his mercenaries.
"Shit.. she's not wrong." One of them muttered.
"We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here." Again, Alucard mocked.
"Yo. I totally tried to stop him and all but he got salty after he failed to get the cute DQ employee's number. So he tilted every painting on the way here. Also, Walter wanted me to give ya this." Roman walked in, stylishly flipping his bangs as he handed a letter to Integra.
"She was GOTH, Roman! She should have been all over me. You ruined my chances. Oh, speaking of chan-." Alucard huffed, then turned to Yin.
Only to see Seras practically sniffing her like a dog. The blonde former cop was practically drooling as she buried her face in Yin's toned belly.
"Ay! Down, girl! Don't make me get the spray bottle!" Alucard chided unseriously.
"Look at my baby.. getting bitches everywhere she goes. Mama's so proud!" Hecate added, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.
"Oh both of you shut up.. You both know she smelled my blood. Just don't try to sink your teeth in." Yin pet Seras' head like a particularly affectionate cat.
"That filthy, slimy, arrogant ITALIAN piece of SH-"
.
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.
.
As it turned out, the Catholics helped the Nazis escape Germany and flee into Argentina. Not a huge surprise, really. Nor was it really surprising that they researched Vampirism and gave all their soldiers a shittier version of Alucard's true vampirism and created a Nazi Vampire army. And so, after Integra met with Maxwell and apologized for Alucard's constant death threats sent to the Pope via carrier pidgeon and Hecate teleporting into the Vatican and changing all the robes into used BDSM gear every day.
Thankfully, Integra only had Yin and Roman accompany her to the meeting. At the steep cost of telling Hecate and Alucard they could go for a quick walk. Of course, Roman immediately pissed Maxwell off with several Priest jokes such as: 'What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until they're at LEAST twelve to come on their faces' or who could forget the joke that made him call for Anderson? 'Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It's when the Devil tries to pull a Priest out of the child'.
Integra wanted to laugh but she wanted the information about Millenium more. Initially, she thought Yin to be level headed, unlike her Mother. But that was tossed out a window when she almost started a fist fight with Alexanderson for: 'the love of the game', as she explained afterward.
Thankfully, Seras intervened and led a group of old people through the museum hall in front of them.
Afterwards, Integra found six bodies scattered across the mansion. Alucard and Hecate only laughed when she said 'six'.
Now, she was in her office with Walter and Yin, stressing about how she was going to send two maniacal unstoppable bundles of chaos over to Brazil.
Why had she invited Yin in? Because out of everyone new she met, Yin seemed the most level headed. The one to cause the least amount of property damage.
"Alucard's not gonna go.." Integra groaned.
"And Hecate's just as likely to laugh at you.. again, if you order her." Walter added with his ever-present smile.
"Then don't make it an order. Frame it as a vacation. Fuck knows this is supposed to be my vacation." Yin added, getting Integra's attention.
"Just don't suggest Brazil. Hell, do the opposite. Forbid it." Yin added.
"...."
"...."
Walter and Integra looked at each other and came to the realization at the same time.
Yeah, that's stupid enough to fucking work, isn't it?
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"You guys're welcome by the way." Yin said, stealing Roman's Pina Colada and taking a long sip from the offended criminal's booze as they stepped into the Penthouse, ignoring the quiet 'son of a bitch' behind her.
"Your daughter's pretty cool, Bestie. Are ya sure she's not secretly mine?" Alucard asked with a laugh.
"I'm not into men or lolis, Allie. So nah. If you saw my broody wife, you'd get it. Yin looks exactly like her." Hecate snorted.
'Of course she married Raven. Shit this is kinda weird.. considering I've been with Neo and Raven at the same time. Nope.. not gonna think about it. These guys can go fight cops and vamps. I'M going to the beach.' Yin decided, grabbing her duffel bag and giving Alucard and Hecate a look.
"Hey, I'm going down to Rio's beach. You guys enjoy the 'room service' or whatever you lot wanna do 'till the sun goes down."
"Aww, you're leavin'?" Seras complained, shoulders sagging.
Yin gave her an apologetic pat on the shoulder and smiled.
"Sorry. My weakness isn't something as retarded as 'sunlight'. Maybe you can come down later. Y'know.. if SWAT doesn't break down the door to shoot at Ozzy Ozbourne here." Yin pointed her thumb at Alucard, who just grinned and chuckled to himself.
"Wait for me! I've finally got some time and I'm not missing Mommy-Daughter bonding time. C'mon Roman! Unless you wanna keep drinking with Pip?" Hecate asked, though she already got her answer as Roman was chugging red wine with Pip as they left the Penthouse.
"I'll call ya if something cool happens, Bestie~." Alucard waved as Hecate hooked her arm around Yin's and ran out.
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Of course, both Hecate's and Yin's appearances drew many looks as they walked the Rio beach in bikinis. Yin wore a black and gold bikini she made in Arifureta and Hecate wore a deep blue bikini she saw in some art made for Neo. Of course, Hecate's tails and ears were hidden but there was no mistaking the unnatural good looks of the two.
"Hey." Yin called out, sipping from her fifth Pina Colada, "What're the chances we'll run into something down here? All the crazy shit happens in that hotel, yeah?"
"Babygirl, I'm a trouble magnet as much as Alucard is. Everywhere I go, SOME fuckshit is gonna happen. It's the same with you, to a lesser extent. Ahh the woes of being a Goddess!" Hecate sighed dramatically and leaned against Yin's taller frame.
"It'll probably be fine.. I think." Yin muttered, sucking the beverage through a straw.
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"I have found you again..." A deep, edgy and raspy voice echoed from behind them, despite it being an open beach.
The sun had begun to go down. Which meant shit was about to go down, fast. Still, there were quite a few people on the beach when this tall guy in a black trench coat and a fedora showed up.
His skin was sickly and pale and his hair was incredibly black. Almost devoid of all pigmentaion. The Mother-Daughter duo turned to him with drinks in their hand.
"I have come for my vengeance against you, whore." He growled, almost like he was doing a shitty impression of an angry tiger. His gaze locked on Hecate.
"Who's this guy? Someone you screwed over?" Yin asked, already getting a weird feeling.
"Hmm... I dunno?" Hecate shrugged.
"YOU DON'T KNOW!!? You... YOU...! You framed me!" He pointed hatefully at Hecate.
Hecate squinted and cupped her chin. Then, she snapped her fingers.
"Ah! ...Nope! Still drawing a blank."
The man's face reddened in sheer rage. His fanged teeth ground together.
"You LIED! You claimed I was working for SALEM!!" He screamed.
In a moment, it clicked. Hecate looked at the katana on his hips and deep red eyes and that feeling of cringe returned like an old war wound.
"No fucking way..."
"That's right... It is I.."
"No..."
"Ebony Darkness Ravenway! I am back from the great beyond by my patron God.. I have trained to kill you and all that you hold dear." The Edgelord exclaimed, pointing his katana at Hecate.
".....One of your exes?" Yin grinned.
"I'm beyond insulted you even think I'd consider dating.. this." Hecate gestured to all of him.
"You insult me for the last time.. I'm going to take your head.. then deliver every last girl on Remnant to my God's harem. Weiss, Blake, Raven, Yang, Ruby, Pyrrha, Nora.. EVERY last one, I will take from you and-"
*CRAAAAAACK!!*
Before he could react, his head was caved in by a punch that pulverized his vampire body into a bloodmist, courtesy of Yin, who sneered at the blood on her fist. Blue flames licked at the blood on her knuckles and consumed them.
"It was Yang's name, wasn't-" "Yes, Yang was what triggered me. Also, I think everyone's fleeing the beach now." Yin sighed.
"Well no duh? Probably think a meteor hit or something. That being said, my phone's buzzing.." Hecate smirked and picked up the phone.
"Yello~?"
"M-Miss Hecate? Please come back! Master's killing cops and.. and asking about their health insurance? Oh and there's like three vampires here!" Seras stated, sounding panicked as several more gunshots went off in the background.
"Huh... three? What do they look like?" Hecate asked, her brow raised in confusion.
"W-Well Roman's fighting one that.. has long silver hair and is actually quite pretty. He said 'is name was Alucard too. And the one helping the one Master's fighting is.. uh..... well he said something about... 'Morbing time' or something?" Seras explained as the line got quiet.
"Oh my ME!" Hecate gaped joyfully.
"There's enough to go around!! Yin! Go have an epic swordfight with Castlevaniacard. I gotta go Morb the hardest anyone's ever MORB'D before!" Hecate hung up and teleported them back into the now bloodsoaked hotel.
"Fucking WHAT? Annnd she's already left... awesome." Yin sighed, spotting Roman getting flung her way by a considerably powerful prettyboy vampire.
"You EMO FUUUU-Oh? Thanks, kiddo." Roman thanked as Yin caught him by his white coat and set him down on the bloodsoaked floor.
"Tch.. Ebony failed, did he?" Alucard (Castlevania) clicked his tongue in disappointment as he stepped out of the darkness, his longsword gleaming.
Yin focused her gaze on him and let out a sigh.
"Oh it's just some reincarnator in the Netfix Alucard's body. Could be worse." Yin relaxed but still kept an eye on the now irritated Alucard.
"What..? This guy hits like a fucking truck." Roman grunted in annoyance.
"The one from the games is Multiversal level, supposedly. This one has way less feats. Makes sense though.. what dumbass God gives their reincarnators a body capable of Multiversal feats?" Yin shrugged and quickly unsheathed The Lightbreak blade from her inventory to parry Netflixcard's sudden slash.
*CLANG!*
"You'll pay for underestimating me, you WRETCH!" Netflixcard growled, edgily.
"Nah, I underestimated a vampire once. Why don't I show you some motivation?." Yin sheathed her blade and pushed her magic to the maximum, her lips splitting into a malicious, toothy, nearly psychotic grin.
"Oh fuck no.." Roman immediately bolted, diving right out the window.
"No... you don't know that move! You CAN'T know that move! He couldn't have taught you that move!" Netflix card broke out into a cold sweat and started to back up.
"Yeah, you're right."
Netflixcard started to sigh in relief. Until the next words hit like a freight train.
"I figured it out myself~"
[Judgement Cut: Lightbringer]
In a flash of light that resembled a star being born, the hotel was cut into a hundred thousand pieces. And the chorous of mad laughter haunted the poor civilians of Rio de Janeiro for years to come.