⚠️ Chapter Warning:This chapter is a fanfiction roast featuring dark humor and sensitive jokes. No harm or disrespect is intended toward the real celebrities mentioned—it is purely fictional
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The crowd hushed as Kevin introduced the first roaster. Jonah Hill strode to the podium, adjusting his tie with exaggerated nervousness.
"I'm really honored to be one of Lucas Knight's roasters tonight," Jonah began. "Just hoping this goes better than the Franco roast where everybody ended up roasting me instead. Though looking at this lineup, I might be safe for once."
The audience erupted in laughter as the camera caught Lucas shaking his head, smiling.
Jonah turned to Kevin. "Let's start with our roastmaster, Kevin Hart. We actually had to bring in a booster seat tonight so everyone could see him over the podium. Still didn't work."
Kevin doubled over laughing, taking the hit like a pro.
Jonah continued through the lineup until he reached Snoop. "Snoop Dogg, everybody. Man's so high right now he still thinks people are listening to 'Drop It Like It's Hot.'"
Snoop shook his head with a grin, taking a casual sip of his drink.
Then Jonah turned to Paul. "Paul Sterling... seriously, who invited this guy? Did we run out of celebrities and just grab someone from the parking lot?"
Paul managed a good-natured laugh despite the sting.
"Oh wait, I know - he's Lucas's friend. Speaking of Lucas..." Jonah turned to the man of honor. "This man loves method acting so much, he actually went crazy preparing for Joker. He spent three months living in my neighborhood just to feel depressed."
The camera caught Lucas wiping tears of laughter from his eyes as the audience roared.
"And finally," Jonah wrapped up, gesturing at Lucas with a smirk, "Lucas, your relationship with your dad is so strained, even Star Wars is like, 'Dude, this is too much father-son drama for us.'" The crowd laughed as he shuffled back to his seat, the applause washing over him.
Jeff Ross grabbed the mic next, his signature smirk already in place. "Ladies and gentlemen, wasn't that something? Jonah Hill just killed it... unlike his last three movies." He adjusted his tie, scanning the room. "Though I have to say, Jonah Hill is living proof that Hollywood can turn anyone into a leading man... as long as they're standing next to Michael Cera."
Jonah shook his head, grinning despite himself as the laughter rolled through the studio.
Jeff's attention shifted to Jennifer Lawrence, his eyes glinting under the stage lights. "Jennifer... a Hunger Games superstar," he paused for effect. "If not for your boyfriend, you'd be the star of this roast. Instead, you're just the plus-one who occasionally falls down."
Jennifer's laugh rang out as she glanced at Lucas, her cheeks flushing slightly.
"And speaking of falling," Jeff continued, "Jennifer Lawrence is the queen of awkward charm. She's tripped so many times, the Oscars were thinking of renaming the stairs in her honor."
The audience roared as Jennifer and Lucas both shook with laughter. "That's facts!" Lucas called out, earning a playful swat from Jennifer.
Jeff's expression shifted as he turned to Lucas. "As for you, Lucas... Your relationship with your dad is so rocky, even Dwayne Johnson feels threatened."
Lucas nodded, keeping his composure but not quite laughing. The studio air grew slightly tenser.
"I mean, seriously," Jeff pressed on, "between your daddy issues, stepmom scandals, and that diary, you're not just a family drama—you're an entire season of Succession written by teenagers."
Lucas took it all with an easy smile. Jennifer leaned close, her breath warm against his ear. "Still breathing over there?"
"Please," Lucas whispered back, his eyes gleaming. "I've had worse."
Paul Sterling approached the podium next, adjusting the microphone with exaggerated care. "I'll be honest, I didn't really prepare much for tonight. But hey, when else will an average Joe like me get to roast people who actually matter?" The self-deprecating joke landed perfectly, drawing genuine laughs from the crowd.
Paul's eyes settled on Snoop first. "Snoop Dogg, man... you're so high right now, you probably think this is the Grammy's." He paused as laughter rippled through the studio. "And Kevin Hart... I'd roast you, but I don't want to stoop to your level."
He roasted everyone with his usual sharp wit, but when his gaze landed on Lucas, his expression softened, a familiar glint of mischief flickering in his eyes. "Lucas Knight... my friend. Let me tell you all about 2009 Lucas. This guy was so broke, he used to crash on my couch and eat my leftovers. His idea of fine dining was the dollar menu at McDonald's." Paul grinned as Lucas doubled over laughing. "Now look at him – still eating at McDonald's, but this time he probably owns the franchise."
The night progressed as each celebrity took their turn, their jokes growing bolder. They hit every target, but Lucas remained the bull's-eye. Nothing was off-limits – his family drama, his childhood, even his mother's passing.
When someone quipped, "Lucas never experienced real mom love because she died at his birth – which explains why he's trying so hard to be perfect at everything. Seriously, man, therapy is cheaper than method acting," the crowd's reaction mixed shocked gasps with nervous laughter.
The joke landed like a lead weight in Jennifer's stomach. 'That was a bit much...' she thought, studying Lucas's face in the harsh stage lighting. He caught her concerned glance and gave a subtle nod that only she could read.
"You fine with that joke?" she whispered, leaning closer.
"Nothing I can't handle. I agreed to this." Lucas's smile was genuine as he added, "Though I doubt that one makes the final cut. Too dark even for Comedy Central."
"Yeah," Jennifer nodded, relaxing slightly.
The roast continued as Kobe Bryant took the mic, his competitive spirit evident even in comedy. "Lucas played a guy trapped under a rock in 127 Hours, but honestly, that role was easier than convincing people he's not perfect. The man's out here making the rest of us look bad—his mental breakdowns might as well be audition tapes for an Oscar." The audience roared as Lucas shook his head, laughing.
Snoop Dogg hit hard with his signature style: "Lucas out here looking like a Disney prince who wandered into an R-rated movie. Your diary leaked and instead of ruining your career, it got you more fans. That's some white privilege right there!"
Sarah Silverman didn't hold back: "Lucas gave up his record deal to become an actor. Now he just makes music with Taylor Swift whenever he's bored. That's like saying 'I quit being a billionaire to become a millionaire who hangs out with billionaires.'"
Jimmy Kimmel wrapped up with: "Lucas spent years not talking to his family, and they still show up in the tabloids more than the Kardashians. At least when they air their dirty laundry, they get paid for it."
Through each hit, Lucas took the punches with grace, laughing hardest at the jokes that cut closest to home. His reactions seemed to say more than any comeback could – here was someone secure enough to let others mine his pain for comedy gold.
Jennifer approached the podium with a playful glint in her eye. "Lucas Knight... my boyfriend. The man who makes method acting look like an addiction. You prepared so hard for Joker, you actually started laughing at my jokes." The crowd chuckled as Lucas feigned offense. "And somehow, despite all your success, you still get excited when I bring home McDonald's. Though now you insist on eating it with a silver spoon."
Kevin Hart bounded to the mic next, his energy filling the room. "Y'all ready for this?" He turned to Jimmy Kimmel. "Jimmy, you're so desperate to get Lucas on your show, you probably dream about him more than your wife does." Moving to Snoop: "Snoop's so high, he thinks he's at a parent-teacher conference." He worked his way through each roaster with precision strikes before finally landing on Lucas.
"Lucas Knight..." Kevin's trademark high-energy delivery kicked in. "This man's family drama is so intense, even Tyler Perry won't touch it!"
"Your daddy issues are like Netflix – there's a new season every year, and somehow it keeps getting renewed!"
"When you won that Oscar, your acceptance speech was shorter than my height because you ran out of family members to NOT thank. The only person more absent than your dad is your PR team trying to explain those tabloid headlines!"
Kevin kept mocking Lucas, even suggesting that he might need therapy, implying that his intense approach to acting was messing with his mind.
Lucas took it all in stride, applauding with genuine appreciation. Finally, he rose and grabbed the mic, a dangerous smile playing on his lips. "Well, well, well... after two hours of hearing about my family issues, my looks, and my method acting, it's finally my turn." He adjusted his tie, scanning the dais. "And let me tell you, I've been taking notes. You all think you're so clever, but unlike my family relationships, this revenge won't take years to develop."
The room crackled with anticipation as the celebrities exchanged nervous glances, knowing Lucas's quick wit was about to be unleashed on them all.
Lucas stood at the podium, adjusting the mic with deliberate calm. "First up, Snoop Dogg..." His eyes locked onto the rapper. "Man went from assaulting fans in airports to baking cookies with Martha Stewart. That's not character development, that's marketing. You're out here pretending to be America's favorite uncle when we all remember you were more dangerous than my Joker performance. At least I was acting."
The crowd erupted in shocked laughter as Snoop's eyes widened, clearly not expecting Lucas to go there. He lifted his drink in reluctant acknowledgment of the direct hit.
Lucas turned to Jeff Ross, his smile sharpening. "Jeff Ross... the man who went to law school not to become a lawyer, but to become a professional asshole. That's like going to medical school to become a WebMD writer. You couldn't make it in sitcoms, so you built a career out of insulting people. And somehow, that made you less tragic than your actual jokes."
"Wow," Jeff mouthed, shaking his head as laughter filled the studio. He hadn't anticipated Lucas having this much bite.
Moving through the dais, Lucas was surgical in his strikes. Only when he reached Jennifer did his tone soften slightly. "Jennifer Lawrence... my girlfriend who trips more than a college freshman at their first party. But hey, at least you fall with style."
The room held its breath as Lucas continued his precision strikes, each roast hitting closer to home than the last. He wasn't just throwing jokes – he was exposing truths wrapped in humor, and no one was safe.
Lucas turned to Kevin Hart, his expression deceptively casual. "Kevin... you know what I love about you? You're always talking about learning from mistakes, but then there's that tweet about light-skinned and dark-skinned women's credit scores. You said you were 'just being silly' to Playboy, that it was taken out of context. Funny how context only matters when it's your career on the line. You're out here making jokes about my therapy needs when you're the one who needs sensitivity training."
The studio fell silent, the air heavy with tension. Kevin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his usual animated energy subdued. The audience's nervous laughter was scattered, unsure whether to react to such a direct hit at a controversial moment from Hart's past.
"But hey," Lucas continued, his tone lighter but the edge still there, "at least you've got one thing right – being silly is how you pay your bills. Though these days, you're charging a lot more for the same jokes."
The crowd's reaction was a mix of "oohs" and shocked laughter, while Kevin managed a tight smile, clearly caught off guard by Lucas bringing up one of his most controversial moments.