I woke up to sunlight hitting my face.
For a second, I forgot where I was. Then I remembered. Aiden's place. The couch. The blanket. The floor.
I sat up slowly. Aiden was still asleep on the floor. His face was peaceful. His hair was messy. He looked younger when he slept.
I watched him for a moment. Then I looked away.
Last night came back in pieces. The kiss. His hands. His mouth. My body. The way I cried out his name. The way I stopped him.
I felt guilty. Not because of what we did. But because of what I was thinking when I stopped him.
Cade.
I was thinking about Cade while Aiden was touching me. While he was kissing me. While he was making me feel things I hadn't felt before.
That was the worst part.
I got up quietly. I found a piece of paper and a pen on the coffee table. I wrote:
"Had to go. Thanks for everything. —K"
I left it on the table. Then I walked out.
The walk home was quiet. The streets were empty. The sun was warm on my skin. I kept my hands in my pockets and my head down.
When I got home, the house was still empty. My parents weren't back. Betty's door was closed. I went to my room and lay on my bed.
I stared at the ceiling.
I didn't know what I was doing anymore.
My phone buzzed.
Cade: "Where were you yesterday? I came by."
I stared at the message. My heart did something weird.
I typed back.
"I was out."
Cade: "Out where?"
"A friend's place."
Cade: "A friend? Or a guy friend?"
I didn't answer.
Cade: "Kathy?"
"I'll tell you later."
Cade: "Fine. But you owe me an explanation."
I put my phone down.
***
I went to see Luke later in the day.
He was in his backyard, shooting hoops. The ball bounced off the rim and rolled toward me. I picked it up and threw it back.
He caught it. "Hey."
"Hey."
We stood there for a moment.
"You okay?" he asked.
"No."
He didn't push. He just sat down on the grass. I sat next to him.
"I did something stupid," I said.
"What kind of stupid?"
"The kind that I can't take back."
He looked at me. "Is this about Aiden?"
I froze. "How did you know?"
"I saw you leave his place this morning."
I felt my face go red. "Oh."
He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, "I'm not going to judge you, Kathy. I'm just going to say this." He looked at me. "Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons."
I didn't know what to say.
He stood up. "If you need to talk, I'm here."
He walked back to the hoop and started shooting again.
I sat there for a long time, thinking about what he said.
***
I had to call Cade as much as I kept avoiding it.
He picked up on the second ring. "Finally decided to talk?"
"Can I come over?"
He was quiet for a second. "Yeah. Come over."
I hung up and grabbed my hoodie.
When I got to his apartment, the guys were all there. As usual, Marcus was on the couch. Chris and Ryan were playing a game. Leo was reading. Jake was on his phone.
They all looked at me when I walked in.
"Kathy," Marcus said. "You good?"
"I'm fine."
"Liar," Ryan said. But he said it gently.
I smiled a little.
Cade came out of his room. He looked at me. "Let's talk."
He led me to his room and closed the door.
We sat on his bed. His posters looked down at us. The boxer. The basketball player. The action movie guys.
"So.." he said. "What happened?"
"Why did you suddenly have to come all the way before we can.. talk?"
I took a deep breath. Then I told him.
"I was with Aiden last night."
His face didn't change. But his jaw tightened.
"And?"
"I kissed him. We made out. He touched me. Almost... almost everything."
Cade was quiet.
"But I stopped him," I said quickly. "I stopped because I was thinking about you."
He looked at me. His dark eyes were unreadable.
"You stopped because you were thinking about me."
"Yes."
He stood up and walked to the window. He stood there with his back to me. He stared outside the window, but I could visibly see his hands clenching a bit. this is obviously controlled annoyance.
"That's supposed to make me feel better?"
"I don't know. I just wanted you to know."
He turned around. "You wanted me to know that you almost slept with someone else while thinking about me?"
I felt my stomach drop.
"It sounds bad when you say it like that."
"It sounds bad because it is bad, Kathy."
I didn't know what to say.
He walked back and sat on the bed. He was close. His face was right in front of me.
I reached out slowly. My hand touched his face. His jaw was tense. His skin was warm.
"Cade," I whispered.
He didn't pull away. But he didn't lean in either.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I know I messed up. I know I'm confused. But I also know that when I was with him, I didn't want him. I wanted you."
He looked at me. His eyes were searching mine.
"Don't say that if you don't mean it."
"I mean it."
I leaned in and kissed him.
For a second, he didn't move. Then his hand went to my waist and he kissed me back. His lips were soft. His hand pressed against my back, pulling me closer.
Then he pulled away.
He looked at me. His eyes were red. His breathing was uneven. His jaw tightened.
"Let me ask you something," he said. His voice was low. "And I want you to be honest."
I nodded.
"Did you enjoy it?"
I went still.
"Did you enjoy it?" he repeated.
"I..."
"Tell me the truth."
I looked at him. "I don't know what I felt. I don't know.. but.. it was in the moment. I didn't–"
His face twisted. He stood up.
"But I stopped him," I said again. "I stopped because I thought of you."
"That's not an answer, Kathy." His voice was loud now. "I asked if you enjoyed it."
He walked toward the door. I stood up.
"Cade, wait."
He stopped. He didn't turn around.
"You're using me," he said. "You're using both of us."
"I'm not."
I felt tears sting my eyes.
"That's not true."
"No?" He turned around. His eyes were red. "Then tell me what is true."
I opened my mouth. But nothing came out.
"You almost made out with him. And then you came here to tell me you were thinking about me while he was touching you. What do you call that?"
I wiped my eyes. "I don't know. I'm just... I'm trying to figure things out."
"I have feelings for you, Kathy." His voice cracked. "I have feelings for you and you can't just tell me that you were thinking about me while another guy was all over you. That's not fair. That's not fair at all."
I started crying.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm so sorry."
He looked at me. His face was a mix of everything. Anger. Pain. Hunger. Love.
"You can't use me like this," he said. "I'm not a backup."
He walked out.
I stood there alone.
***
I heard the front door close.
Marcus came to the room and looked at me. He looked concerned probably for his friend. "What did you do?"
I didn't answer. I just sat on the bed and cried. Head buried in my hands.
***
I went home alone.
My phone was silent.
I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling.
I had messed up.
With Aiden.
With Cade.
With everyone.
And I didn't know how to fix it.