In other words, she despised looking back to the origin of her real family. Even if she had to live through debt, she would choose that as long as others acknowledge her as a noble and respectable lady.
It was her mother's way of thinking, feeling contented even though she had to live in an illusion.
Meanwhile, she, originally, resented such a sickening way of thinking. It was suffocating and nauseating. Why should one pretend and force life to follow the standard that was beyond one's capability to afford?
Yet she chose to live under her mother's wing. She was too cowardly to live a life that she actually found to be her liking. She was too afraid to live a life with the poor man that she loved and who loved her enormously.
When Joanna suggested to her that she marry someone she loved and who loved her back, inwardly she laughed out loud. She had that love and she had the man that she wanted to marry. But that man was so close yet too far from her grasp.
