How many days have passed, weeks?
She's still here repeating the same phrase while holding onto my hands, the feeling of feverish exhaustion hasn't changed in sensation one bit, but my logical awareness of this repetition in purgatory has grown.
I still wait to take my first step, but now I am wondering if I can finally pull off a change in sensation by truly acting/stepping on this whispy world to make myself solid too.
The anxiety surges through me, I try to force the step, but I fall over crushing her with my now noticeably heavy weight.
All I can do is say sorry from within my mind, there's no way I can speak as I am.
My head hurts, pressure is throbbing from within my skull, and the girl is likely hurt because of me.
She squeezes out from under my lifeless body, and struggles, grunting, as she tries her best to lift me up from my right arm to her shoulder.
My upper body dangles from my heavy arm she lifts with all her might, and my head is almost magnitised to the floor (the wooden boards of the same, single person padestrian bridge).
I try to speak out my exhaustion, because my lack of emotion to scream in this fever dream had never given me the grounding to start reacting in anyway, but now I feel a compulsion to comfort myself through groans and sighs.
It doesn't come out however, and the nightmare begins.
The discomfort of being unable to force out even a voice through my intentions within my lifeless body is truly anxiety inducing.
I could barely hear or see anything before, but now I hear nothing and see nothing at all, just a continuous ringing of my ears as I try to look out for the slightest sound of my heavily forced attempt to breathe in a way that I would start noticing that I have been breathing this whole time.
Am I suffocating, am I going to truly die? What do I have to do to make sure I'll be safe in this state?
The pain of losing my body again floods my empty heart, and I can't do anything about it to wake up from this nightmare.
I have a mouth, but I still can't scream.
…
Suddenly, a force outside of myself hits my body hard enough for me to notice in this severely numbed state. I think cold water might be pouring over my face, but it's too hot to know it's temperature.
My sight and hearing may be gone, but an ever so slight sense of touch might still be there.
I force my body to move, anywhere with all my might, I bump into something hard, and attached to it is something soft carrying it.
I'm hitting myself against the girl and probably the metal(?) bucket of water she's been dousing me in to wake me up into my body again, but even though I should be sorry for dragging her into the probably lucid pain for her experience's perspective, I'm so numb that it freaks me out that I want to hit myself on something that can also protect me, so that way I know that I am not gone and that I can still have a chance at being saved.
Abstract concepts like pathetic and protection, they aren't real for someone in my situation, I need to survive this fever dream.
I'm sorry that I can't be sorry, I'm sorry I feel nothing both physically and emotionally, I'm sorry that I'm not real still, and I'm sorry that I have to hurt you if I am.
Stop me please, but stop me in a way that I will know. Hit me and restraint me tight so I know that I am still physically somewhere, even if 'here' isn't here anymore.
Please, help me.
…
I then feel a tightness restricting my efforts to move, not in the same way that I was restricted by my own paralysis, but by something outside of myself.
I fight against it harder, and in a strangely comforting way I get even more resitricted.
It's wrapped around my arms, chest, and back.
It's pressed so tightly that I feel the affect spreading to outside of the directly applied pressure of the restriction.
My head, that is stiffly locked on its own down and diagonally to the left, gets another pressure from something to the right.
All this resistriction feels comforting in my episode of freaking out from being deaf-blind and numb is probably coming from th similar sensation of it being like having a message.
It's rough but grounding. Solid.
I apply pressure in return to the thing pressing against my head to the right, and a sweatspot of rough but not physically dangerous levels of force to both myself and the thing pressing against my head is maintained.
The restriction wrapped around my body lets go starts to literally massage my Temporalis Muscles, in a circular motion I feel my feverlike symptoms ease a little, however with the tightness that was given to my body now removed, I suddenly feel cold.
…I want to be held some more.
I put my arms out and grab tightly close to me what I assume to still be her who was hugging me earlier, and she continues to massage my head despite there being no gap in between us.
I feel her warmth now, at last I am no longer numbed to temperature at the very least, and I can even satisfy my yearning for physical confort despite how much pressure I need in order to sense it, but soon enough, I know, I'll get my sight and hearing back.