At 19, I finally had a decent relationship with my family, mostly because I didn't want to be alone, I didn't aim for their approval I aimed for their presence, by then my illness had cured, the doctor said it was weird but congratulated me, it was weird to be fair and a little scary, but I'm not talking about my illness, I'm taking about my nightmares, after the first one I started getting one every month, but as I got older it happened more frequently, now I have one every time I sleep, I started to call them the Layla nightmares, she was always there, at the beginning she was always running after me, no matter the place or the time, she'll follow me around, then she just stops but no matter how much I run from her , it's like I can't seem to get away, she'll be at the corner of my room at night or next to me in bed in the morning, the same face , the pale white skin around her bright eyes and soft smile, the white silk light dress she was last seen in, her soft hair flirting with the wind or with the rays of the sun, but she'll always have tear paths down her cheeks which made her paleness blush with a light pink, her favorite color, she won't talk unless I'm not looking at her, if I'm she'll keep eye contact and cry slowly, silently.....
At that time I'm thankful I wasn't close with Tim, I was vulnerable, and I couldn't just get covered with his toxicity, so I went for family, I've been nice, helped them where I can, it started as a helpless way to get her curse away, I thought maybe she blames me for our family's misery and I tried to fix it, my uncles and aunts bad never been closer_ except for auntie Sarah, she was always loved_we have family game night now ! My cousins they love each other and they look after each other, which is cute, no competition, I made everybody feel appreciated for what they bring to the table , Nana smiles now, she laughs sometimes when she thinks no one is looking, but we are, Sarah finally gave up, she let that incident go, she goes to therapy and recently started working in my uncle's firm, the family never been better, even with Layla,
Then why the fuck is her ghost haunting me?
It's tiresome, I'm scared of sleeping because I know she'll be there, she was making me feel guilty for something that wasn't my mistake, hell even if I knew why was she haunting me!!
It was driving me over the edge, as a result the stressed out 19 year old quit her job and focused on college which is where I met him ...
The sweet quiet guy in my department, he used to look unapproachable but once I got to know him after a group project, I discovered his soft side, and I became obsessed with it, I've never flirted with anyone before but I was really good at it _i wonder why? Maybe the continuous flirting of a certain someone_he'll get flustered then say something unhinged to me, and I'll fold like a MF , it was mutual, we fit perfectly, he was the first one I spoke to about my nightmares, and he comforted me so good I slept well for the first time in forever. Ofc it was weird to wake up from his lap with my drooling all over his pants, he was nice about it tho. He was nothing like my type but I did fall for him and so did he, yes, I had my first boyfriend on my first year of college, judge all you want, he was the love of my life.... Only he was unfortunate to be with me, I never regretted a moment we shared but I wished nonstop he had never fell in love with me . It was our first time to do anything, I _a virgin_ and him _with only one previous partner _went to his studio, and started making out, he was gentle, he kissed me softly, it was a cute kiss, pure, no tongue but we both weren't experienced enough for it, and it felt like heaven. All I saw was a welcoming white light as out lips danced. He treated me like I was made of fragile glass hoping not to break me, it was all I could ask for .... when 3 guys entered, gangsters looking, tattoos, guns and all, I was about to call the cops when they shot my phone and his, they started observing me, focusing on the smudge lipstick on my lips, one of them cursed... In Italian I think ... They continue to talk a little then they looked determine, and that was the last thing I remembered that day after they drugged me.
I never saw him again, no one on campus remembers him, it's like he never existed .
I knew it wasn't my imagination when I woke up in my dorm room like it's a normal morning, all alone. So I took a gap year to investigate, I looked for his family his far relatives, the places we used to go , his favorite restaurant's owner that he goes to everyday, no one knew who he was, plus, bullets broke both my SMS card and the battery, coincidence? I think the fuck not, that's where I started to question, why? Why him? Does it have something to do with me? Why is no one remembering him? Did they hurt him? Is everyone in town involved in this joke?.... Then I remembered their conversation, I tried to get the most of what I remember and translate it:
' ...fuck, we came late ,boss will kill us,'
' ... Well, it's not that bad they didn't fuck yet.'
' shut up, as if you don't know him, That guy is dead he shouldn't have looked her way in the first place, she was off limits and he knew it,'
' Nah he looks dumb, I don't think he knew, look how pathetic he is hiding behind a woman '
' ... Gotta give it to him, he knows we are not touching her, so he's hiding, I'll grab him, you knock her out, and you erase him from ever existing in this town.'
' yes, sir '
' sure, sir '
' Rogers will make it painful for you to die kid, but you touched the wrong girl, she's his, you .....'
As soon as I read Rogers I connected the dots, thecoincidences, not one thing was a coincidence it was all his plan, but why? If anything I was just a little crush from 5 years ago, I haven't even seen him for the last 3 years, the package.... was it his? That's where I reread my dairies and everytime I felt like an idiot, how did I not notice? Why is he weird? Why is he like that? Did I do something to him? Did I give him the wrong idea at any moment?....
After a while I stopped looking for his reasoning, I was fed up, I hated that feeling, it was as if he was caging my life, like he had this strategic plan of getting into my pants, I was disgusted and terrified, I was too worried about my self to worry about him...
At that time, I had two demons haunting me, one dead and one alive, one isn't letting me rest or sleep, the other is never leaving my mind when I'm awake, a constant reminder that anyone I pick over him is dead, I just didn't know my family was included....