Was the world always so lonely or did I make it for myself?
I wondered, staring at the calm lake. The forest was filled with sounds, different types of sounds, unrecognizable sounds from insects or animals or birds. For weekends, I liked to spend time away from the busy world. It felt good to be away from the continuous chattering of people and to enjoy self company in harmony and peace in a forest for a while. Yeah, I liked my own company but sometimes it got lonely. A few times I found myself wondering and feeling bad for myself. I also felt like going to pubs, meeting up with friends and getting drunk, just enjoying youth. But every time I imagined myself doing those, I felt drained. I was an extreme introvert, ready to avoid crowd at any cost.
I paced around the calm lake, thinking about my future. I was excited for my interview at St. Laurent's. I got a couple of acceptance at other schools too but I was more excited for St. Laurent's. If I would get selected there, I wouldn't bother to go to another school again.
I took my phone out and opened my newly installed dating app. I wasn't sure which gender I wanted to date. But I felt weird to find girls. I felt more comfortable with boys. But he was the only guy I had been with. How would I know if I could be attracted to other guys other than him? I hadn't found any other guy stirring my heart all those years. But well, guess trying a girl wouldn't hurt.
I swiped through people, not liking anybody and some profiles were just weird. Some people had weird descriptions on their bio. Some were looking for one night stands, or friends with benefits, or just sexual partners. I was new to dating apps but a friend told me how it worked. There would be many fake profiles so I should be careful to swipe a match with anyone. And if I liked anyone, I should swipe right and if not then left.
I swiped right on a few girls near my location who were looking for serious relationships. I just hoped things worked out well with me. I was tired of being afraid to fall again.
....
"So...what are your hobbies, Miss. Sarah?" I smiled at my date- Miss Sarah, an assistant fashion designer at a local company in our town.
She was one of the few girls I swiped right on who decided to match with me. We had been texting for almost a week and finally decided to go for a dinner date in a small restaurant. But there was one problem.
She blushed. "Uh...I mostly enjoy outside activities. I am an extreme extrovert so I like meeting new people and trying out new things…" She trailed off, thinking.
She didn't quite look as in her profile picture. In her profile, she looked quite young and slim but in real she looked quite older and also heavy. She wrote her age as twenty four in her bio but...guess some people looks older than their age.
"I mean to ask, what do you like doing in your free time?" I elaborated.
"Oh." She gave a nervous smile. "Well, that's what I do. I go clubbing and some outdoor activities, meet new people and stuff."
I nodded, keeping my smile intact. "I see. So you told me you work as an assistant for some fashion designer. Can you tell me more about it?"
I noticed her eyes quiver at my question.
"Uh..." She hesitated and looked around. "Yeah, I work as an assistant for a fashion designer. I majored in fashion designing in college and recently started working."
I nodded, listening attentively. "Was it always your dream to be a fashion designer?" What? Was it some kind of interview? I didn't know why I was asking those silly questions but I had to carry out the conversation.
"Yeah." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear shyly.
I smiled. "You must be very creative."
"Huh? Oh, yeah."
I didn't know what to say more. She wasn't carrying out the conversation. Maybe she wasn't interested in me. If I kept on keeping up with my questions, it would seem like I was pushing for conversation. I wanted her to cooperate too.
The food arrived and we started eating in silence. No matter how much I thought about it, she looked very old. Older than me at least. But she said she was twenty four. Was I reading too much on her face?
We made small talks during dinner and that was it. By the end, I knew I wouldn't want to see her again.
"Miss. Sarah, let's go." I smiled at her after paying the full bill.
She smiled back and got out of her seat.
We walked out of the restaurant and faced each other.
"Um so...?" I smiled, not knowing how to tell her politely that for me, it wouldn't work out with her.
"Mr. Kwan, I would like to see you again. I have never been on a date with such a handsome guy like you." Sarah smiled.
There we go.
"Uh..." I didn't know how to start. "The thing is Miss. Sarah, I don't think it's going to work out for me. To be honest, our choices and hobbies doesn't match. We have more differences than similarities." That was the best I could try.
She nodded. "I see. But it was nice to meet you though. Let's keep in contact." She outstretched her hand for a handshake.
I shook it. "Sure." I smiled.
She flushed.
"Aunty! What are you doing here?"
We both turned to look at the voice. I recognized the guy. He was a student at our school. He was in my younger sister's class. I frowned. Did he just call Sarah aunty?
Sarah grew tense. "Oh oh...Finn."
Finn walked over to us and his eyes grew wide as he saw me. "Good evening, sir."
I smiled. "Good evening."
"Oh, is he your teacher?" Sarah asked.
I was surprised because I had already told her where I worked.
"Yeah, he is our English teacher. By the way, what are you two doing here? Do you know each other?" Finn asked.
I opened my mouth to say something.
"Ah, no no. I didn't know. I forgot my purse in the restaurant. He just came to return it to me."
"Oh okay. Let's go home then. Mom has been nagging a lot lately."
"Yeah sure. Let's go." Sarah glanced at me nervously.
I threw her a small smile. It was kind of an awkward moment for her so I could understand.
"Thank you so much." Sarah said to me and held Finn by the arm.
"Have a good evening sir." Finn said and before they walked away, Sarah mouthed a sorry to me.
I stared after them and sighed.
It was my first date after a long time and to be honest, I didn't feel anything about it. I couldn't feel any spark between us. We just didn't click.
And it continued. I went on another couple of dates in the upcoming weeks but I didn't find myself getting interested in anyone. Some girls cat-fished me. Nobody was true in their bio and also nobody clicked in with me. I didn't feel any sort of connection with them like the way I felt with him from the very beginning.
Maybe the gender was the problem.. But I found myself comparing all the girls to him. I wanted someone like him or maybe I couldn't feel connected to girls anymore. I decided to try a date with a guy when I would go to the city.
.............................