I'm terrified.
I'm terrified of relationships.
Terrified that it'll be wrong.
Terrified I'll hurt.
Terrified it'll hurt.
How can I trust anyone when I can't trust myself?
I'm traumatized.
Mortified watching, listening wordlessly as they fight and curse.
Is that what love is?
A constant struggle to see who's more bitter.
Traumatized that one day I'll be like that and I'll cause my children grief.
Traumatized into thinking that love can be nothing but heartache.
Traumatized by the fear that I'll be better off alone.
Traumatized, filled with panic at the mere thought of the feeling of it.
I'm filled with regret.
Regret that I don't stand up for her.
Regret that I don't say what I want.
Regret that I fear him.
Regret that I love him.
Regret that I need him.
Regret that she needs him.
Regret she doesn't leave him.
Regret, I'm a coward.
Regret that I'm so useless.
Regret that I'm broken.
Regret that I feel this way.
Apologizing.
I've been convinced that all you need is to apologize.
Apologizing doesn't always make it better.
Apologizing seems to always made it worse.
Apologizing only caused more pain.
Apologizing is an ingrained impulse.
Apologizing is my mechanism.
Apologizing never helps.
I'm angry.
Angry at him.
Angry at her.
Angry at life.
Angry at the world.
Angry at me.
Angry for thinking.
Angry for not thinking.
Angry for feeling Angry.
Angry for being nothing but Angry.
Angry for feeling like him.
Angry for fearing him.
Angry for being even remotely like him.
I'm tired.
Tired of panic attacks.
Tired when all I really need to do is…
SCREAM!!!
The words never do come out.
All that comes is silent resentment.