I press my hand against my forehead, slowly sinking into my palm and letting my face fall onto the sheet of paper, drawing my arms around my head.
Jean snickers at me. "What is it, this time?"
I feel xyr hand land on my shoulder, and I sit up, gesturing to the paper. "Homework. As always. Doesn't make any sense and I think I'm just a fucking idiot because it doesn't look like it's supposed to be indecipherable."
"Here's a thought," Xe coo, planting xyr hands on xyr hips. "How about a nap? Just a short one, a power nap. 10 to 30 minutes, maybe? Long enough for me to run to McDonalds and bring you a sandwich? Your brain needs nutrients other than what can be provided by 5-hour-energy and ramen. That's why everything is so confusing."
I sigh. "I really need to get this done, Jeanie."
"You really need to not get jaundice and collapse unconscious in the common room. Paige really thought you were dead. I'll call your mom, Arthur, don't make me."
I groan, standing up from the desk and plopping down again in my bed, falling over and rolling until my stomach hits the wall. "Unh."
Jean nods. "Good. Thank you. I'm gonna go get you a warm tea and a steak, egg, and cheese sandwich for when you wake up."
Finals are coming up. I guess Jean's right about all of this. If I burn out completely, I might tank, and I don't want to go home without my degree. Not after Mom shelled out for 80% of my tuition.
I know that she wouldn't care about the money. I mean, she'd be bummed that it was a waste, but she'd understand if I had to move back home because school was eating away at my mental health. She made it clear on the first day, moving in, that if at any point, I wanted to go back home, she wouldn't ask any questions and she wouldn't complain. She would just let me go home.
It's a comfort to know that I have that. It makes everything a little easier, somehow. It's okay if I can't do it, I can walk away if it gets too much.
I've never felt that before, but that's nobody else's fault. I just never realized I could say no or walk away.
I'm one of the oldest in the freshman class. There are a couple people here that are in their forties, one that's in his fifties. But most of them seem fresh-faced, like brand-new high school graduates.
Finals are coming up. I need to just chill. This is a critical time, and if I choke, it's over. Jeanie is right. Then again, Jeanie is usually right. Xe're at the top of xyr class, that's a fact.
Eventually, Jeanie returns. I glance down at xyr left wrist, because xey're wearing a white bracelet that xey weren't wearing when xey left.
"So you've thought about the bracelet thing?" I ask xem as xey set a McDonalds bag and a cup on the desk. "How do you feel about it?"
"I thought about it a lot. I feel like it would be helpful but I also really... hate it, somehow. I can't find the right words; I guess I just feel invisible, in a way," xey explain, pulling the bracelet off and drawing the green one out of her pocket. "I feel stupid and ignored and like I'm not really getting my point across."
"Why?" I gently pull the bracelets away, turning them over in my hands. They're squishy plastic, kind of like rubber but more bendy. Since Jean is genderfluid, sometimes people get kind of confused. Somedays, it really sends her downhill to be called by feminine pronouns. Somedays, those are the only pronouns xey connect with. A classmate suggested xey wear a bracelet for she/her, one for he/him, and no bracelet for xey/xem.
"I don't know. This was stupid. I hate it."
"You don't have to do it, it was just a suggestion," I tell xem, holding the bracelets over the garbage can. "We can get rid of them right now, if you would feel better."
"No, no... I just-" Xey throw up xyr hands. "I feel so stupid when I identify as cis."
I tilt my head.
"Like. I fought so hard to carve out a place for myself as a genderfluid person. I built up a lot of defenses for when people would question my identity." Xe stand, pacing back and forth for a moment before settling into the desk chair, leaning far back and letting xe legs flop wherever they fall. Xe stare at the ceiling, groaning and covering xyr face with xyr hands. "But when I wake up in the morning and it's one of those days where I want people to use she/her, and I want people to see a girl when they see me, I feel like it was all for nothing. I feel like all these years, I was just being an idiot and I really am just a girl," xey explains, letting xyr arms fall again as xey leans forward, staring directly into my eyes.
Xyr grey-brown eyes are as dull as rainy early-morning mud, and as deep as sludge-filled potholes in the winter. Complex. Xey remind me of the last lazy days of winter.
"Every time, it feels like people are going to use it as ammunition against me."
I blink, and get up, stepping between xyr legs and wrapping my arms around xyr shoulders, squeezing lightly. "I'm here. For anything you need."
Xey nods. "I just wanna feel normal. I want to feel like I belong."
"You do belong." I move away slightly, squeezing xyr shoulders.
"It just doesn't feel like that," Xe mutters. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. We'll figure it out."
Xe motions to the bag of food. "It'll get cold and you still need to study for the final. Get 'er done and we'll talk about this later."
I nod. Xe stands up and walks out the door, presumably going for a walk around campus. I sit back down at my desk, opening up my textbook and notes, and pulling out a slightly-above-room-temperature breakfast sandwich, unwrapping it halfway.