"Let's eat together." I say to Zara and her eyes widen in confusion but soon goes back to it's normal cold look when she sees the seriousness in my face as she takes the seat opposite mine. I dish out my portion and she does the same but even as we start eating, the food remains cold and my appetite lost.
All I can think about is Sean and the war, what could be happening right now, why can't I do anything to help. I hate this constant feeling of helplessness, of being a burden and unable to help at the slightest thing. It's only been hours since I woke up and found a note by my side telling where and when to meet Zara. I've been with her since ten in the morning and it's past four now yet we've barely spoken five sentences.
I just really feel at loss right now, being in a strange land without the one who brought me here and I'm the supposed ruler. You can never know how insane it really is until you wear my shoes.
"You're not eating." Zara says after clearing her throat and I feel a little surprised, this is the first time she's talked to me without me asking anything today.
"I'm just not hungry." I push the food aside and take a sip of water.
"I was instructed to take care of you," she sighs tiredly, "so please eat."
"You don't need to do it if you have to drag your feet." I say frustrated and angry. I can't deal with anything right now.
"Well I'd rather drag my feet than not have any feet." She responds and I just relax and sigh, closing my eyes, trying to get my shit back together.
"I want to be alone."
"I can't do that, not yet."
"What?"
"It's four in the evening." She says like I'm supposed to understand what she means but I stay with my brow cocked.
"The library. You have to learn alot before the ritual." She says and my anxiety triples.
"I've been meaning to ask," I swallow a lump in my throat, "what's this ritual about?"
"Better discussed at the library." She stands up and I stand too, waiting for her to come touch me so we can appear there which she does but we appear in front of the gates.
"Why are we here?" I ask in hopes that it isn't what I think it is.
"We're walking." She says and starts to walk forward but I stand with my feet rooted in the ground and my knees shaking.
"I can't." I say with shaky breaths.
"You have to." She turns around.
"No." I say defiantly, not ready to die any time soon. He promised to come back to me so I must wait.
"But Crys-"
"No!" I yell ignoring the guards who stand like they see nothing, "not with Sean fighting a battle, I won't!.
They hate me, okay. For a reason I know nothing of and I am powerless, I am weak. You have no idea how that feels and I won't put myself out there or follow you like a sheep to the slaughter!"
"Then don't." She shrugs.
"What?"
"Don't." She says like it's not a big deal, like nothing's happening. "What? You thought I was going to start being all motivational and beg you to walk with me?" She scoffs and comes closer.
"You're human and no one wants you to become queen so you might as well fuck it all up with your own hands. I mean, you can hide all you want within these walls and give the people even more reason to hate you. Sean would be so proud when he gets back to see you all cooped up inside shaking and frightened like the coward he thinks you're not."
She smirks and turns around heading out the gates as they open it up for her. As much as I don't want to face them anymore, I can't disappoint Sean. He chose me for a reason and I have to find out about the Connors too. I owe it to Dylan.
"Wait!" I blurt out and she stops walking but doesn't look back, "move an inch away from me and you'll surely lose your feet."
Hurriedly, I meet up with her and we walk into the city. My heart picks up speed the moment I see people walking the street and going about their business. I can do this. I can do this. Nothing bad will happen. They won't kill me. They won't hurt me.
They soon notice and I feel every eyes piercing hot holes in my skin but I hold my head high, pretending to not see them as we walk, finally turning into the street where the library is.
"That was intense." I let out a breath of relief and she scoffs.
"It wasn't." She says as we walk through the door and into the library, Jana sits behind the counter with her glasses on and eyes looking at us.
"You didn't join the war?" She asks once we get to the counter and Zara shushes her looking around.
"You shouldn't speak so carelessly." She says in a hushed tone and I frown at that.
"Why do you leaders always keep the people oblivious?" She asks smiling but you can't miss the will to spite Zara in her voice.
"Because most times, it's better for them to be in oblivion" Zara responds.
"So," Jana keeps the smile on her face and places her book back in the shelf, "you didn't join the war?"
"Jana." Zara sighs and puts her hand on her forehead playfully, "you're so impossible but yes, I didn't join the war."
"Her?" Jana asks referring to me and Zara nods.
"Babysitting a queen." She says again and Zara chuckles while I frown at the remark.
"We're going upstairs now." Zara says and starts to walk away while I follow.
"No book today?" I ask her and she shakes her head.
"You forgot to bring the previous one." She says and I gasp, "so no book till you do."
"Fuck, I can't believe I forgot. How come she didn't ask?" I ask surprised Jana didn't tear my head off.
"A second chance," she says as we go into the elevator and she taps 11 still, "something she rarely does."
"Oh." Well, I guess I'm lucky then. I must bring it along tomorrow, I need to read something else to keep my mind busy.
Soon enough, we get to the eleventh floor and like before, there's a few people here and they watch us as we go into the balcony and sit.
"Now," she says, "what was your question again?"
"The ritual, what's it about?" I ask and she smirks, looks into my eyes and whispers
"Fortification."