When I woke up I saw a man holding my hand. He looked really rich. I mean his suit and watch looked super expensive.
The second thing I noticed was that I had no idea who he was.
The third thing and this was really weird was that he was crying. Not. Anything. One tear was running down his face. It was like his face was doing something he didn't want it to do.
He was staring at our hands. His thumb was moving around my knuckles. I looked at him for a bit.
Then I looked up at the ceiling. It was white. Had one of those bright lights that hurt my eyes. I could smell something like medicine and flowers. There were a lot of roses on the table next to my bed. I heard a machine beeping.
I thought, I'm in a hospital.
I looked back at the man. He still hadn't seen that I was awake. His hair was a little messy, which seemed weird for him because everything else about him looked perfect. His suit was nice his watch was fancy. He just looked like someone who had a lot of money.
He looked tired and sad. He looked like I was seeing something even though I was the one in the hospital bed.
I cleared my throat.
His head came up.
We just looked at each other for a second. His eyes were really dark. They were looking at me hard.
Then his face changed.
"Elara " he said. His voice sounded rough. He leaned forward. His other hand came up near my face. "You are awake. You are." He stopped. "How do you feel? Are you in pain? I will call the doctor."
I said, "Who are you?"
I didn't mean to say it. It just came out.
He stopped moving.
His hand near my face just stayed there.
He said, "What?"
I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know you. I don't know who you are."
He stared at me.
I stared back at him.
The machine kept beeping.
He said, "Elara it's me. It's Nathan."
Nathan. I thought about the name. I tried to remember something. There was nothing.
I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know a Nathan."
Something happened on his face. It wasn't just surprise. It was like he was watching something slip away. He couldn't do anything about it.
He pulled his hand back.
I felt bad that he did that. I of missed the warmth of his hand.
He said, "You were in an accident. Four days ago. A car hit you when you were crossing the street. You've been asleep since then." He paused. "The doctors said you might be a little mixed up when you woke up."
I pushed myself up a bit. My head hurt. My arm had a bandage on it. My ribs hurt when I moved. Everything seemed to be okay.
I said, "How bad was the accident?"
He said, "It was bad."
I looked around the room. There were flowers and a big room. Someone had paid a lot of money for this.
I looked at Nathan. At his suit and his watch. He looked like someone who had a lot of money and was used to it.
I said, "Did you pay for this room?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because you needed it."
I said, "People don't usually pay a lot of money for hospital rooms for people they don't know."
He said, "You are not a stranger."
I said, "You are to me."
He looked hurt. It was a movement. I saw it.
I felt bad about it. This man, Nathan was clearly in pain. I had no idea what was going on or who he was to me.
I said, "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be mean. I just don't know you. I don't know what I should know. My head feels weird."
He looked at me for a bit.
He said, "What do you remember?"
I thought about it. I tried to remember things.
I said, "My name, Elara Voss. My apartment, the one with the door. My friend Zoey. My mom. The bakery I wanted to open." I stopped. "I was twenty-two. I had a list of things I wanted to do before I turned twenty-five."
Something changed on his face.
He said, "What year do you think it is?"
I told him.
He closed his eyes for a second.
He said, "Elara, that was four years ago."
The room was quiet.
I said, "Four years."
He said, "You are twenty-six now."
I looked at my hands. They looked the same. I guessed they would even if four years had passed.
I said, "What happened to those four years?"
He said, "You've been living in the city. You moved apartments. You..." He stopped. "There is a lot to explain. It doesn't have to be"
I said, "Is there someone I should call? Someone who would want to know I'm awake?"
He said, "I'll call Zoey. She has been here. She went home to sleep. Your mom knows. She is coming tomorrow morning."
I said, "Okay. Thank you."
He said, "You don't have to thank me."
I said, "I do though. You have clearly been taking care of things. Even though I don't remember you. That is nice of you."
He made a sound. It was like a laugh, not really.
He said, "Nice." Like the word didn't fit.
I said, "Nathan, whatever I forgot I'm sure it will come back. The doctor probably said that right? That my memory will come back with time."
He said, "They said it's possible. That memories can come back."
I said, "Then don't look like that. Okay? Whatever we are to each other don't look like its already over."
He looked at me for an weird moment.
"You would never have said that " he said in a voice. "The person I knew she would not have said something like that."
I didn't know what to do with that I said, "Maybe you didn't know me as well as you thought you did."
He became still again.
Outside the window New York City just kept going without us. There were horns and sirens and that special hum of a city that never really stops. The machine made a beeping sound. The roses were in their vase; they were white and really big and a bit too fancy for a hospital room.
Nathan Ashford put his hand in his jacket pocket. Took out his phone.
"I'll call Zoey " he said. His voice was calm and smooth now. The tear on his cheek was dry. "I'll have someone bring you some food. Not the food they have here. Is there anything you need?"
This man was a stranger to me. He was offering to take care of me. I thought. He was crying over my hand while I was asleep. He was paying for a hospital room. Filling it with white roses.
What is Nathan Ashford to me? I thought, looking at Nathan Ashford. What was I to Nathan Ashford?
"I'm okay " I said. "Just... Nathan Ashford?"
He looked up from his phone.
"Thank you for being " I said. "Even if I don't remember why Nathan Ashford would be here."
He looked at me for one moment when he wasn't careful. One moment. Then he became calm again. He nodded once. Looked back at his phone.
I saw it.
That one moment.
I thought, Whoever Nathan Ashford was, whatever happened in those four years that I don't remember the reason Nathan Ashford was here was behind his eyes really big and unspoken and hurting.
He just didn't know how to say it.
I didn't know how to remember it.
So we sat there together two strangers in a hospital room. The space between us was full of everything that neither Nathan Ashford nor I had the words, for yet.