You fucking heard me.
My body...it felt good.
Well, not really. It just...doesn't hurt?
When I thought of that, it finally broke me out of whatever spell I was in.
I just don't believe that. I don't believe my own diagnosis.
Even if I knew I should believe it.
But I just can't.
I know this pain intimately, I know how it feels, I know it more than anyone else, I know how it feels to walk in the morning, as if I was constantly walking on nails.
I know how it feels to stretch, to feel my bones jumping out of my sockets and my muscles tear.
It doesn't matter that it's not really happening.
I know how it feels.
More than anyone.
And that's why, after living with it for two years, I can't believe it's gone.
Not just like that.
I can't believe it.
That's why I don't, and that's why I'm wrong.
I'm exaggerating when saying that the pain is gone.
Because to be honest, it still hurts, yes. My body still hurts, right now. Under my shower, I can tell you.
I'm still in pain
But I'm at 90% pain.
Which is...weird, really fucking weird.
Ninety percent sound bad. And it is. That's probably why I didn't figured out what was wrong with my body when I woke up, I didn't think too much about it, because I still felt the pain. And I learned that ignoring it was the best move.
But now that I'm focusing on it, I can feel it, if it needs a number.
Then here it is.
I'm feeling around 90% of my usual pain.
And I don't know why.
Do you know how weird it feels?
To constantly live with a disability that makes you feel pain, constantly, at every second of the day?
Do you know how weird it is to know that whenever you wake up, you'll feel all of your progress escape through your grasp as if it was sand?
Do you know how weird it is to wake up, everyday, for two years, feeling the pain, and doing your best to figure out a way to kill the pain for as long as you can.
By training, doing meditation, and ignoring it whenever you can?
Do you know how weird it is for you to finally give up the hope that you'll ever be able to live a normal life? That you'll forever live as if your entire body was trying to expand and explode you from the inside out?
And then.
Just like that.
RANDOM-FUCKING-LY you wake up and you're feeling better.
With a change that's not small enough to call what's happening a random day-to-day variancy.
With a change that's just sliiiiigtly better than usual, just biiiiig enough for you to know that it's something...unusual.
Do you know how weird that feels?
Because right now. While cold water drips on my still body, I can tell you that it feels fucking weird.
It feels really damn weird.
WHY THE FUCK DID I-? Okay I think I know why.
I stop my fake confusion and just look up at the water. Close my eyes, and brush my hair back.
Yep, I think I get it.
It's not like it 'randomly' happened.
Look, as much as I can try convincing myself that this didn't have a cause, this clearly had a cause, what's the cause you ask?
Are you seriously asking?
Did you forget the moment where I tortured myself for an entire night and finished by puking tons of clean water on the ground?
Because my house didn't forgot about it.
And even if I tried my best to brush off whatever happened under the rug, with different excuses, like: my body feels weird, or I need to clean first.
Right now I'm in the shower.
Cold water is dropping on me, and there's nobody home. I have nothing to do, and I figured out why my body feels weird.
I don't have any excuses anymore.
....
So what the fuck happened?
I push both hands in my hair, wet hair, grasping and rubbing my scalp while letting out a groan.
What the fuck happened?
For a while, I just stand there, head bowed, the cold water slamming against the back of my neck.
How do we even have showers? No really that's weird, what the fuck is wrong with this world, what the fuck is wrong with me!?
I JUST PUKED LITERS OF WATERS AND NOW MY BODY FEELS GREAT!
What the fuck?
I look up at the water, blinking...
If I remember well we have a weird thing above our house that stock water from the rain, then, with some kind of machinery, we can open up a valve and let the water stocked above our house drop down on our head.
That's why the shower head pressure isn't high.
It's gravity doing the work here.
Am I thinking about shower mechanics to dodge the real subject?
Yes.
I close the valve and step out. Not feeling cold, even while dripping with cold water. Dunno why. Never did, even if it's uncomfortable.
Maybe it's related to the fact that I PUKED WATER IN MY ROOM AS IF WAS A WATERFALL!?
Maybe it is?
Who knows.
I go grab a towel and dry myself off while walking back to my room.
Ah, life. You know how it is, sometimes you reincarnate as a disabled baby, and then you crash out, torture yourself, and puke liters of clean water.
That's something that can happen to the best of us, I'm sure I'm not the first one living through something like this.
....I stop drying my hair for a second. Just thinking about the bullshit I'm spouting in my own mind
Okay, maybe that's an original experience.
Maybe. But if that's an unique experience, it means that whatever is happening to me is...well, unique, so it also means nobody could help me or tell me what the fuck is wrong with me.
Which is....problematic.
In that case.
What should I do?
I throw the towel on my box, said box I already opened to get some clothes on, no socks for now. Just shirt + pants combo is enough, don't want my socks to get wet again with the remaining water still drying on the ground.
When I'm done with this, I lay my cloak on the ground, and sit on it. I take out one of the biggest book I have. Put it on the cloak, then I take out some blank papers and put them on said book.
My pen comes just after.
And soon enough, I find myself clothed again. On the middle of a relatively dry room, sitting on a...dry thing, because my cloak is so fucking cool it dried up during the night, and it's now protecting my ass from the drying ground, just like it's protecting my book, paper, and pen.
Finally. A bit of normality.
Youpie!
If it was any other day. I would be ready to study the language.
Well, no, not yet. I would workout first, and then start my study.
But I didn't work out today.
And the reason for this is simple.
I'm not planning on studying the language just yet, no...
No I'm not.
It's just that I've been avoiding this whole...shit, the whole problem with my body, always avoiding the problems, and saying white little lies to reassure me.
It's...
I'm used of having millions of people having the same problem as me, I'm used of being able to do a small google search and find the direct fix for whatever kind of problem I have.
I'm used to it.
I'm used to that.
And I won't lie, traces of my past life have been influencing the way I take care of my disability.
And right now, after having the biggest breakthrough I had since...well, since I was born.
The first thing I do is avoid the problem? Again?
I got this breakthrough by stopping being a bitch and facing the problem head on so...
I take a deep breath, lift my pen, and put it on the paper.
So, now. Even if I don't know what happened, or what should I do, or if there's even any hope of living a normal life.
I'll try to figure out my own answers.
On the left corner, upper left corner of the paper. I write a number.
1
Because I'm not planning on stopping with surface level knowledge.
Let's figure out whatever the fuck is wrong with me.