Damn it, Ren thought, plastering on a relaxed, easygoing smile as he strolled over to the group. "Afternoon. Sounded like a highly tactical debate from over there. Are we mapping out curse weak points?"
"Better," Panda said, stepping forward and placing a heavy, furry paw on Ren's shoulder. "We are mapping out the truth of the universe. Settle this for us. Yuji thinks tall girls with big butts are the absolute peak. I am firmly defending the undeniable superiority of a massive chest."
Panda leaned in, his beady eyes narrowing. "You've got the face of a guy with experience. What's the verdict?"
Nobara let out a loud, dramatic groan, crossing her arms and glaring at him, daring him to give a stupid answer.
Ren blinked, the sheer absurdity of the interrogation hitting him. But the moment his brain processed the question, his thoughts immediately, traitorously went to the Zen'in sisters.
He thought about the hotel room with Maki in Kamakura. He pictured her athletic, deeply toned physique—the direct result of her Heavenly Restriction —and how perfectly it was shaped. He wasn't going to lie to himself; Maki had her sister completely beat in that department. Mai was stunning, of course, with that elegant, runway-model strut and a sharp, defensive edge, but Maki was built exactly how a fighter should be built, with surprisingly generous, perfect curves hiding under her bulky Jujutsu uniform.
If I say 'big chest,' Maki is going to somehow sense it from Hokkaido and come back just to stab me, Ren thought dryly. If I say 'big ass,' Nobara is going to hit me with a hammer right now.
Ren chuckled, slipping his hands casually into his jacket pockets. He locked eyes with Yuji and Panda, putting on a perfectly deadpan, philosophical expression.
"You guys are looking at it all wrong," Ren said smoothly. "It's not about isolating the parts. It's about the attitude that comes with the package."
Yuji tilted his head, genuinely captivated. "Attitude?"
"Yeah," Ren nodded, leaning back slightly. "The ideal woman is the one who could completely kick your ass without breaking a sweat, but still looks impossibly good wearing nothing but your oversized black t-shirt the morning after."
The courtyard went dead silent.
Panda's jaw literally dropped. Yuji stared at him, his eyes wide with profound, star-struck realization, as if Ren had just handed him the meaning of life.
"Salmon," Toge whispered in sheer awe.
Even Megumi paused his temple-rubbing, looking at Ren with a mixture of mild surprise and grudging respect.
Nobara, however, just scoffed. She lowered her hammer, though the lethal aura around her dissipated. "Smooth," she muttered, rolling her eyes. "At least you aren't completely repulsive like these two."
"I try my best," Ren grinned, giving her a lazy two-finger salute. He slipped past the stunned duo of Yuji and Panda, making his escape toward the dorms before they could recover.
"Wait! Ren, wait!" Yuji yelled after him, snapping out of his trance. "Who wears your oversized t-shirts?! Ren!"
Ren just waved a hand over his shoulder, not looking back. With his energy reserves fully charged and the timeline quietly shifting in his favor, he finally let himself laugh as he disappeared into the shadow of the dorms.
...
The lock clicked shut. Ren dropped his canvas duffel bag onto the floor and kicked off his boots. He tossed his jacket over a chair and fell backward onto the mattress. The springs creaked under his weight.
He stared at the ceiling, enjoying the absolute lack of noise in the room. No Gojo, no curses, no teenagers arguing in the courtyard. Just a quiet dorm room.
He closed his eyes. Peace. Actual, beautiful peace.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Ren didn't move. He just stared at the ceiling, actively willing whoever was on the other side of the wood to spontaneously combust. Three sharp, deliberate taps. It definitely wasn't Yuji or Panda—they usually pounded on the door like they were trying to break it off the hinges.
With a heavy groan, he dragged himself off the mattress. "I swear, if this is Satoru with more mochi..."
He yanked the door open, the annoyance fully written across his face. "Look, I already told you guys, I'm not—"
The words died in his throat.
It wasn't Gojo. And it definitely wasn't one of the students.
A tall woman stood in the hallway, looking completely out of place in the dingy dorms. She wore a pristine, dark tailored uniform. Long, pale blue hair was woven into thick braids, with one draped directly down the center of her face like she couldn't be bothered to move it. She was casually tapping a sleek smartphone against her chin, sizing him up with a calm smile..
Ren's brain immediately screamed her name. Mei Mei.
Grade 1 sorcerer. Lethal with a battleaxe. And entirely, ruthlessly motivated by cold, hard cash.
But as Ren, the random transfer student? He wasn't supposed to have a clue. He quickly killed the recognition in his eyes, morphing his expression into a perfect mask of polite, slightly irritated confusion.
"Can I help you?" he asked, keeping his tone perfectly neutral.
"So you're Ren," she said. Her voice was smooth, carrying the relaxed confidence of someone who knew exactly how much she was worth. "I was curious what Satoru dragged onto campus this time."
Ren leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. He wasn't about to give her anything for free. "I just punch hard. Who are you?"
"Mei Mei. I'm a colleague of Satoru's," she said, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. "Though I charge a much higher consultation fee than he does."
Ren scoffed, leaning easily into his broke-student persona. "Well, you're knocking on the wrong door. I don't have any money."