THE GIRLS' DORM – 6:00 AM
Ese woke up with Jon's name on her tongue.
She didn't say it out loud. She never said anything out loud. But it was there, sitting at the back of her throat like a swallowed stone. She lay still, staring at the ceiling, listening to Zuru snore and Zizi breathe and Vicky's empty bed creak.
She touched her lips.
She could still feel him.
Stupid, she thought. You're being stupid.
She got up. Showered. Dressed. Black jeans. Black tank top. Her grandmother's silver chain. Heavy boots.
She looked in the mirror. The girl staring back had sharp eyeliner and dark circles and a secret she hadn't decided how to keep.
"Good morning, Ese," she said.
Her reflection didn't answer.
She smiled anyway.
---
THE CAFETERIA – 7:30 AM
Chuks was already eating.
He sat at a corner table, a mountain of rice and plantain in front of him, a look of pure joy on his face. He saw Ese walking past and waved her over.
"You," he said.
"Me."
"Sit."
She sat.
"You're the quiet one," he said. "The one who watches."
"I'm the one who eats." She stole a piece of plantain from his plate.
Chuks raised an eyebrow. "Bold."
"Hungry."
He laughed. It was a big laugh, the kind that made other people turn and look. Ese didn't turn. She kept eating.
"I like you," Chuks said. "You don't talk too much."
"I don't have much to say."
"That's not true. You just don't say it to everyone."
She looked at him. "How do you know?"
"Because I'm the same way. I talk a lot. But I don't say anything."
"That's not the same."
"It's the same energy. Different delivery."
She almost smiled. "You're strange."
"I'm comfortable. There's a difference."
He went back to his food. Ese sat with him, eating in silence, watching the cafeteria fill up.
Charlie walked in with Josephine. They were holding hands. Charlie looked different; lighter, less desperate. Josephine looked at him the way people look at something they didn't expect to find.
"Good for him," Chuks said.
"Good for both of them," Ese said.
"You know her?"
"I know everyone."
Chuks looked at her. "That's creepy."
"That's observant."
"Same thing."
"It's not."
She stood up. "Thanks for the plantain."
"I didn't offer it. You took it."
"That's how I operate."
She walked away.
Chuks watched her go, shaking his head.
---
THE LIBRARY – 10:00 AM
Ese sat in her usual corner, a book open in front of her, not reading.
Kelly was at a table across the room, arguing with someone on the phone. Her voice was too loud. Her gestures were too big. She was being annoying, which was her default state.
"Just tell me what you want me to do," Kelly said. "No. No, I'm not going to—you can't just—fine. FINE."
She hung up and threw her phone on the table.
Ese watched her.
Kelly looked up. Caught her eye. "What?"
"Nothing."
"You're staring."
"I'm observing. There's a difference."
Kelly walked over, sat down across from her. "You're weird."
"I'm consistent. There's a difference."
Kelly stared at her. "Why are you always alone?"
"I'm not alone. I'm with myself."
"That's the same thing."
"It's not."
Kelly sighed. "You're impossible."
"I'm possible. I'm just not easy."
Kelly laughed. A real laugh, not the performative one she used in public. "You know what? I don't hate you."
"I don't hate you either."
"Are we friends now?"
"No."
"Good. Friends are exhausting."
They sat in silence. Kelly pulled out her phone. Ese went back to her book.
It wasn't friendship. But it wasn't nothing.
---
THE PARKING LOT – 12:30 PM
Jon was waiting by his car.
Ese walked across the lot, her boots loud on the asphalt. He smiled when he saw her. She didn't smile back, but her chest did something annoying. A flutter. A skip. Something.
"You came," he said.
"You texted."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
He opened the passenger door. She got in.
They drove off campus.
---
THE OFF-CAMPUS APARTMENT – 1:00 PM
The same apartment. The same couch. The same silence.
Jon sat beside her. Not close. Not far.
"I've been thinking," he said.
"About?"
"About you. About us. About what this is."
Ese looked at him. "What do you want it to be?"
"I don't know."
"Then stop thinking."
She kissed him.
It was slower this time. Less urgent. She took her time. His hands found her waist. Her hands found his face.
When she pulled back, he was breathing hard.
"You're going to ruin me," he said.
"Probably."
"That's not comforting."
"It's not supposed to be."
He looked at her. "Do you even like me?"
She was quiet for a long time.
"Yes," she said. "That's the problem."
"Why is it a problem?"
"Because I don't like people. And I don't know what to do with the ones I do."
He took her hand. "You don't have to do anything. Just... be here."
"Here?"
"With me."
She looked at their hands. His fingers intertwined with hers.
"Okay," she said.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
They sat like that. No talking. No kissing. Just hands and silence.
It was the most intimate thing Ese had ever done.
---
THE DRIVE BACK – 3:00 PM
The car hummed. The road was empty.
Jon kept his eyes on the road. Ese watched the trees pass.
"Can I ask you something?" he said.
"You can ask."
"Why do you watch everyone?"
She turned her head. "Because no one watches me."
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
He nodded. He didn't push.
They drove in silence.
---
THE GIRLS' DORM – 5:00 PM
Ese walked in.
Zuru was on the floor, doing crunches. Zizi was reading. Vicky was on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
"You're back," Zuru said.
"I never left."
"You were gone for three hours."
"I was out."
"Out where?"
Ese sat on her bed. "Out."
Zuru stopped doing crunches. "You're being mysterious."
"I'm being private. There's a difference."
"You're always private."
"I'm always me."
Vicky turned her head. "Are you seeing someone?"
Ese met her eyes. "Yes."
The room went quiet.
"Who?" Zizi asked.
"Someone."
"What someone?"
"A someone."
Zuru sat up. "You have to tell us."
"I don't have to do anything."
Vicky sat up. "Ese."
"Vicky."
"Are you happy?"
Ese was quiet for a moment.
"I don't know," she said.
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
Vicky lay back down. Zuru went back to her crunches. Zizi turned a page.
Ese pulled out her phone.
Jon (5:02 PM): Today was good.
Ese (5:03 PM): It was.
Jon (5:03 PM): Can I see you tomorrow?
Ese (5:04 PM): Same time.
Jon (5:04 PM): I'll be there.
She put the phone away.
Her stomach fluttered.
She ignored it.
---
THE ROOF – 9:00 PM
Ese climbed the ladder to the roof.
The science block roof. Her thinking spot. Her watching spot.
The stars were out. The campus was quiet. The wind was cold.
She sat on the edge, her legs dangling.
She thought about Jon. About his hands. About the way he said "you don't have to do anything."
She thought about Aaron. About the way he manipulated everyone without even trying.
She thought about Vicky. About the way she loved a man who would never love her back.
She thought about herself.
What do I want?
She didn't know.
She'd never known.
Her phone buzzed.
Jon (9:05 PM): Can't sleep.
Ese (9:06 PM): Neither can I.
Jon (9:06 PM): What are you doing?
Ese (9:07 PM): Watching the stars.
Jon (9:07 PM): Are you alone?
Ese (9:08 PM): I'm always alone.
Jon (9:08 PM): You don't have to be.
She stared at the message.
Her thumb hovered over the keyboard.
She typed: I know.
She sent it.
Then she put the phone away.
The stars were bright. The wind was cold. The night was quiet.
Ese sat on the roof, alone, watching.
Always watching.
But not just watching anymore.
---
THE DORM – 11:00 PM
Ese climbed into bed.
Zuru was asleep. Zizi was half-asleep, her book open on her chest. Vicky was still awake, staring at the ceiling.
"Ese," Vicky whispered.
"Yes."
"Who is it?"
Ese was quiet for a long time.
"Someone who sees me," she said.
"That's not an answer."
"It's the only one I have."
Vicky didn't respond.
Ese closed her eyes.
She thought about Jon. About the way he said "you don't have to be alone."
She thought about her grandmother's chain around her neck. About the silver rings on her fingers. About the heavy boots that made her taller.
She thought about the girl in the mirror. The one with the sharp eyeliner and the dark clothes and the eyes that saw too much.
That's me, she thought. That's all of me.
She fell asleep