Chapter 199: A Culinary Catastrophe and a Hokage's Laughter
The initial sound wasn't an explosion. It was a high-pitched, desperate shriek, followed by a series of wet, splattering noises.
Then came the roar.
"Ah... ah... AHHHH...!"
It wasn't a roar of pain, but of pure, unadulterated, sanity-snapping rage. Tsunade Senju, legendary Sannin, the world's greatest medical ninja, stood frozen amidst the smoking, bubbling, black-purple thing that had once been ingredients for dinner.
Her eyes, wide with disbelief just moments before, instantly turned crimson with fury.
An uncontrollable surge of shame, searing anger, and absolute despair erupted within her like a dormant volcano finally blowing its top.
It... it happened again.
How?! I followed the recipe! I controlled the heat! I... I...!
The acrid smell of burnt... everything... filled her nostrils. The viscous, nightmare substance coated the counters, the floor, and, horrifyingly, her.
"DAMN IT! AHHHHHHHH—!!!"
Accompanied by a sky-shattering, window-rattling roar, Tsunade unleashed her monstrous chakra without a shred of reservation.
Years of frustration, gambling debts, lost loved ones, and now... this. This culinary humiliation. It all boiled over.
"BOOM! CRACK! SMASH! BOOM! BOOM!"
Tsunade, losing all semblance of control, transformed into something akin to a crazed tyrannosaurus trapped in a phone booth. She wildly, indiscriminately, swung her fists in the kitchen!
The state-of-the-art stove, imported just last week? Pulverized into scrap metal by one monstrous punch!
The sturdy wooden cabinet holding the (now ruined) fine china? Kicked into splinters!
The brand-new, expensive refrigerator, humming innocently moments before? Smashed into a crumpled wreck by a furious headbutt!
Holes, like craters from mini-meteors, were punched one after another into the reinforced walls!
WHAM! CRUNCH!
The entire kitchen, a space designed for pleasant meals, became a warzone under this terrifying, focused destructive power. The building began to shake violently, groaning under the unbearable strain. Pipes burst, spraying water everywhere, mixing with the foul purple sludge.
Finally...
With one last, epic punch aimed at a particularly offensive load-bearing pillar...
"RUMBLE—!!!"
Accompanied by an earth-shattering, grinding crash, the entire structural integrity of the kitchen ceased to exist. Supports buckled, beams snapped, and the roof collapsed inward with a deafening roar.
Dust, smoke, steam, and pulverized debris soared into the night sky, creating a mushroom cloud of pure culinary failure.
The enormous sound and the violent tremor instantly spread throughout the usually peaceful Konoha Village.
In nearby houses, windows rattled. Pictures fell off walls. People spilled their evening tea.
"Earthquake?!"
"What was that explosion?!"
The ground around Tsunade's newly renovated mansion shook violently.
Immediately after the collapse, a huge, ominous cloud of dust and strange purple smoke rose into the sky from the courtyard, visible even from the Hokage Tower.
...
Uchiha Akira's figure shimmered into existence at the still-intact front gate of Tsunade's mansion. He had felt the chakra surge and the subsequent tremor.
He looked at the partially collapsed building, the rising plume of smoke, and the faint, lingering smell of something truly horrific.
Uchiha Akira's eyebrow twitched slightly.
This woman...
His internal system message flashed, almost redundant given the evidence. [...She really... blew up her own kitchen?]
He took a step forward, then paused, his senses analyzing the scene. The sheer violence of the chakra release... it wasn't an attack. It was pure frustration.
He leaped silently onto the roof of a neighboring building, wanting a clearer view before announcing his presence.
When he clearly saw the scene below, illuminated by the moonlight filtering through the dust... even with his god-like composure, the corner of his mouth couldn't help but twitch.
Amidst the crumbling walls, shattered appliances, and general rubble, a thick layer of black-purple, foul-smelling, viscous substance coated absolutely everything. It looked like something that had crawled out of a nightmare swamp.
Huddled and trembling in a relatively less-destroyed corner of the ruins, covered head-to-toe in the same sludge, was a "mud person," completely black except for her wide, terrified eyes. She was hugging a similarly coated, apparently unconscious piglet.
Undoubtedly, it was Shizune.
And in the very center of the ruins, standing amidst the wreckage like a vengeful earth elemental, was another "mud person." Also completely black, dripping the foul goo, but with a much more... voluptuous... figure.
This figure stood there, fists clenched, shoulders shaking, literally howling incoherent syllables of rage at the uncaring moon. She exuded a terrifying aura that screamed, "I AM EXTREMELY, APOCALYPTICALLY DISPLEASED."
Uchiha Akira looked down at Tsunade's exasperated, soot-covered, Godzilla-like appearance...
And he couldn't help it.
A small sound escaped him. "Pfft."
He tried to stifle it, but the sheer absurdity of the situation—the legendary Sannin, defeated by dinner—was too much. He burst into quiet, shaking laughter.
Although the sound wasn't loud, carried on the night air, Tsunade still heard it.
In the center of the ruins, the raging, mud-caked figure suddenly stopped howling.
Her head snapped around. Her eyes, glowing with furious, crimson anger beneath the layer of grime, turned and locked onto Uchiha Akira's figure, perched casually on the nearby roof.
"U... CHI... HA... AKIRA..."
Tsunade's voice was dangerously low, vibrating with pure, unadulterated killing intent.
"DID... YOU... JUST... LAUGH?"
Uchiha Akira looked at her, clearly on the absolute verge of going berserk. The smile on his face grew even brighter. This was too amusing.
He descended gracefully from the roof, his movements silent and fluid, landing steadily on a patch of relatively clean ground just in front of Tsunade.
He met her murderous glare with a look of perfect innocence.
Then, Uchiha Akira said, in an incredibly sincere, deadpan tone:
"No."
He shook his head solemnly. "Absolutely not. I've had professional training as Hokage. No matter how objectively hilarious a situation is, I won't laugh."
He paused, his eyes twinkling.
"Unless I absolutely cannot help myself."
After speaking, Akira let out another, louder "Pfft," followed by an undeniable chuckle.
That single chuckle completely ignited the powder keg.
"AHHHHHHH! I'LL KILL YOU—!!!"
Tsunade's sanity, already frayed by her cooking disaster, completely snapped.
She let out an ear-splitting shriek. She didn't hesitate. She didn't posture.
She swung her fist—a fist capable of splitting mountains and shattering the bones of a Susanoo—and slammed it fiercely, with the full, unrestrained force of her Chakra-Enhanced Strength, directly towards Uchiha Akira's detestable, still-smiling face!
[Inorin's Note: Chakra-Enhanced Strength (Kairiki) is Tsunade's signature Taijutsu style, granting her arguably the greatest raw physical power in the world.]
Facing Tsunade's furious iron fist, a blow easily capable of leveling a small mountain, Uchiha Akira remained completely unfazed. His smile didn't even waver.
Just as that terrifying punch, blurring with speed and power, was about to connect, about to potentially decapitate the Fifth Hokage...
Uchiha Akira raised his right hand, casually, almost lazily. He met her fist with his open palm.
Whirr—!
There was no impact. No shockwave. No sound.
Tsunade's incomparably violent, mountain-shattering monstrous strength, the instant it touched Uchiha Akira's palm, simply... vanished.
It disappeared without a trace, like a clay ox entering the sea. All the kinetic energy, all the chakra... gone. Absorbed. Nullified.
Tsunade's eyes widened beneath the grime.
Her... her full-power, unrestrained, furious strike...
It was... blocked? Not just blocked, but effortlessly stopped? By his bare hand?
What... what kind of monster IS this guy?!
"What's wrong, Tsunade?" Akira asked, his tone light, conversational. "Didn't you eat dinner? So little strength."
"You...!"
Tsunade's face, under the sludge, instantly turned a furious, liver-red color. The insult, on top of everything else...
She tried to pull back her fist, but found her hand was being held firmly, immovably, in his grip!
"Let... LET GO OF ME!" Tsunade snarled through gritted teeth, struggling fruitlessly.
"Alright." Uchiha Akira's fingers loosened slightly.
"But you have to promise me first. No more going crazy. No more property destruction."
"Who... WHO'S GOING CRAZY!" Tsunade retorted stubbornly, still pulling.
"Oh? So it seems you do still want to keep demolishing the house?" Uchiha Akira raised an eyebrow, his gaze sweeping over the extensive ruins of her kitchen and dining area.
"I mean, you've already done quite a number on this place. If you completely demolish it, you'll have nowhere to live tonight."
He paused, a mischievous glint in his Rinnegan. "Coincidentally, my Hokage mansion still has quite a few empty guest rooms."
"If you truly find yourself homeless... moving in with me is also an option. I wouldn't mind the company."
"You... WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
At the sudden, shocking thought of moving into Uchiha Akira's home, living under his roof... Tsunade's cheeks uncontrollably flushed crimson beneath the grime.
"I wouldn't dare make you move," Uchiha Akira said, wearing a positively wicked grin. "Unless you force my hand, of course."
"..."
Tsunade stopped struggling. She knew him. She knew that glint in his eye. If he said it, he would absolutely do it. He'd probably have ANBU escort her there.
She took a deep, shuddering breath, forcing down the towering wave of anger and the even more confusing wave of embarrassment.
"I... WON'T... DEMOLISH... IT..." she ground out between clenched teeth.
"That's more like it."
Uchiha Akira released his hold on her fist.
Tsunade, as if granted a great pardon, quickly snatched back her arm and retreated several steps, putting distance between them.
Akira looked around at the messy, sludge-covered ruins, shaking his head with an exaggerated sigh.
"Tsk tsk tsk. Truly a sight to behold. Catastrophic."
He turned back to her, his grin returning. "And this is what you call legendary cooking?"
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Tsunade roared, flushed with a mixture of anger and deep embarrassment. "I... This was just my first attempt! A slight... a slight miscalculation! Next time... next time I'll definitely succeed!"
"You want there to be a next time?" Uchiha Akira's gaze became somewhat dangerous. "In this kitchen? Do you think Konoha's building materials grow on trees?" (He conveniently ignored the fact that, for him, they literally did.)
"I..." Tsunade was speechless, choked up. She had no retort.
Seeing Tsunade's vexed, wronged, utterly defeated expression, yet completely unable to do anything about him, Uchiha Akira's mood greatly improved. Teasing her was proving to be quite enjoyable.
He turned away from the fuming Sannin and walked over to Shizune, who was still huddled in the corner, almost petrified, trying to shield Tonton.
"Shizune," Akira said, his voice softening slightly. "Are you alright?"
"Ho... Hokage-sama..." Shizune's voice trembled. She was still covered in goo. "I... I'm fine... just a little... startled..."
"Tonton seems to be in trouble, though." Akira pointed to the small piglet in her arms. Tonton was not moving, his eyes were rolled back, and he appeared to be foaming slightly at the mouth. He had completely passed out.
"Ah! TONTON!" Shizune finally snapped out of her shock, her concern for her companion overriding her fear. She quickly checked Tonton's condition, her face paling, so anxious that tears were about to well up.
"He's not breathing right! Oh no, Tonton!"
"Mystical Palm Technique."
[Inorin's Note: The Mystical Palm Technique (Shōsen Jutsu) is A-rank medical ninjutsu allowing the user to speed up healing by sending chakra into a wound or body.]
Shizune, despite her trembling hands, gently placed her glowing green hand on Tonton's small body, pushing her medical chakra into him.
A moment later, the piglet let out a weak grunt, coughed, and slowly regained consciousness, squealing pitifully.
"Oof... oink..."
"Oh, thank goodness..." Shizune sighed in relief. "Thankfully, it seems he was just knocked out by the... the strange smell. Nothing permanently serious."
Uchiha Akira then looked back at Tsunade, who was still standing amidst the rubble, looking utterly lost and furious. He took in her truly disheveled, sludge-covered appearance and sighed, the amusement fading slightly.
"Alright, Tsunade. Don't just stand there dripping toxic waste. Go clean yourself up first."
He gestured towards the still-standing (miraculously) bathroom wing of the house. "If the villagers see you like this... what little reputation you have left as the legendary Sannin, Konoha's Princess, will be completely gone."
Hearing this, Tsunade finally, finally looked down at herself.
Her entire body, from her blonde hair to her sandals, was coated in the thick, black-purple, foul-smelling viscous liquid. Her hair was matted and sticking out at crazy angles, resembling a bird's nest that had caught fire and then been put out with sewage. She smelled horrendous.
Tsunade's face instantly turned crimson, a blush so deep it reached her earlobes, visible even through the grime.
To be seen... by him... Uchiha Akira... in such a disgraceful, disgusting, utterly humiliating state...
Tsunade no longer cared about being angry. She let out a small shriek of pure mortification and turned, rushing towards the bathroom like her life depended on it.
Uchiha Akira watched her fleeing figure, shaking his head helplessly. Truly, a force of nature.
Then, he turned his gaze back to the ruined kitchen. He stepped forward into the wreckage.
He raised his hands, forming a series of complex hand signs.
"Wood Release: Four-Pillar House Technique!"
[Inorin's Note: Wood Release: Four-Pillar House Technique (Mokuton: Shichūka no Jutsu) is a Wood Release ninjutsu used by Hashirama Senju (and those with his cells) to rapidly construct wooden buildings.]
Rumble—!
The ground shook again, but this time, it was a different kind of tremor.
From beneath the ground of the ruins, from amidst the shattered stone and twisted metal, countless wooden structures—pillars, beams, floorboards—burst forth. They grew, twisted, and interlocked at an incredible, impossible speed, guided by Akira's chakra.
Where there was destruction, now there was creation.
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