Chapter 3
*The square near the Jade Palace — third person.*
That day, a celebration was underway at the summit of one of the Valley of Peace's mountains. Hundreds of intelligent beings had gathered to witness an important event. The scent of flowers and incense drifted through the air. The crowd surrounded a square arena where five kung fu masters were displaying their skills — movements that flowed from smooth and graceful to swift and precise, drawing awe and wonder from the spectators. Music accompanied the proceedings, woven harmoniously through every moment of the unfolding spectacle.
The arena was set among traditional Chinese buildings that blended naturally with the surrounding landscape. Their facades were painted in deep, rich reds. Blue rooftops with upturned eaves completed the picture.
On the far side from the entrance gates stood a small elevated platform, ringed by elegant statues of golden Chinese dragons. On that platform stood two beings, surrounded by a solemn procession.
One of them was Master Shifu. He was a small red-and-white red panda dressed in a dark crimson silk robe. His brown eyes gleamed with experience and confidence. His face radiated pride — lightly lined, with a thin beard neatly braided into a small plait. Today he presided over the performance in which his personal students were demonstrating their mastery of the martial arts.
Beside him stood Master Oogway. He was a tortoise, and a single glance was enough to understand how ancient he was. His green skin was carved with deep wrinkles, and fine cracks traced the surface of his shell. He wore a bright golden robe embroidered with the symbol of the Tao. In his hands he carried a wooden staff cut from the branch of a peach tree. His green eyes glowed with profound wisdom, giving the spectators the feeling that he had seen the very heart of the world.
The members of the Furious Five took turns showcasing their arts on the arena floor, each working through individual challenges before the group performed together.
Crane went first. He demonstrated his mastery over the air currents his wings produced, using them to guide the trajectories of incendiary firework charges launched from a special device — steering them away from the spectators below.
Mantis showed that strength has nothing to do with size. Enormous buffalo guards with muscular frames, armed with spears and swords, attempted to strike him, but Mantis avoided every blow with extraordinary precision, sending his cumbersome opponents spinning through the air time and again, proving the supremacy of technique over brute force.
Viper and Monkey demonstrated agility and quickness. Mechanisms installed on the upper floors of the surrounding buildings fired hundreds of arrows toward the center of the arena simultaneously. What made it harder still was that both fighters held bowls of water throughout, doing their best not to spill a drop.
Other performances followed, one after the next. The sky blazed continuously with brilliant bursts of fireworks and cascading showers of colorful confetti, filling the air with exhilaration.
Then came Tigress, facing a mechanism resembling a many-armed bull bristling with axes. The machine swung at her relentlessly, but Tigress slipped between the blades with fluid precision, striking back, shattering weapons, snapping mechanical limbs. Gradually she gained the upper hand, reducing the contraption to a scattered heap of broken metal on the arena floor.
But before the next stage of the proceedings could begin, the old tortoise who had been standing quietly on the platform raised a trembling hand, pointed toward the arena, and announced that he sensed the Dragon Warrior was near. A single sharp gesture from Shifu silenced the musicians, and the sound cut off instantly, leaving the arena suspended in tense quiet.
"People of the Valley of Peace!" Shifu proclaimed. "Master Oogway will now choose the Dragon Warrior!" He signaled his students to take their places at the center of the arena.
Master Oogway calmly descended from the platform, stepping carefully down the stairs. He closed his eyes and moved his hand slowly from side to side, as though trying to catch hold of something invisible.
***
*Same moment — Po's perspective.*
Comfortably settled on the roof of the gates, I was leisurely working my way through some cherry buns, taking small bites and watching the arena below with genuine interest.
My earlier assumptions about the local martial arts masters had turned out to be completely wrong. For some reason I had written them off as performers deep down, remembering videos from my old world where kung fu fighters were put up against boxers and taken apart without much trouble.
In this world, the kung fu masters were making it abundantly clear that their art was real and capable of extraordinary things. Much of it came down to the particular nature of their bodies, of course — but still.
Although the organizers could stand to be a bit more careful when designing these tests, I thought, glancing involuntarily at my cart, where a piece of debris from one of the earlier demonstrations had landed. Fortunately it was a small piece — it had only knocked the new ladle off its hook, sending it skittering toward a crate of fireworks that someone had left unattended.
It looked like things were wrapping up. The elder had clearly grown tired of watching the performances and had finally decided it was time to choose the Dragon Warrior. All the music fell silent, and the tortoise descended smoothly toward the center of the arena, beginning to move his hand slowly through the air as though searching for something.
"Dragon Warrior detection system… activated." I smirked and uncorked the flask of rice wine I'd brought along. I drank extremely rarely, and local rice wine was about as potent as flavored water — more pleasant than intoxicating. My father had always said that most of life's troubles could be traced back to alcohol, and I agreed with him.
*My bet is on Mantis — it makes for such a neat little fable. Classic story, small but mighty. Or maybe some transmigrator will fall from the sky and the wise old tortoise will hand him the title on the spot. No… no, that's ridiculous.*
"Well then, future Dragon Warrior — I raise this flask in your honor!"
I took a long pull of rice wine and immediately knew something had gone very wrong. My throat and mouth erupted in what felt like the fires of hell. I had never in my life tasted anything that strong. How ordinary rice wine in my flask had transformed into rocket fuel was entirely beyond me. I glanced at it and understood at once — I had grabbed my father's flask by mistake when pulling things down from the kitchen shelf.
*Dad.* I howled inwardly. *You wait.*
I frantically tried to exhale and put out the internal fire. And naturally, at that precise moment the roof — which had until now only been creaking — chose to begin its collapse.
The internal inferno had slowed me down badly, and I moved to get off the roof far too late. By the time I finally started shifting, the roof crackled louder and gave way entirely, taking me down with it. To round off the disaster, an ear-splitting volley of celebratory fireworks went off somewhere right beneath me.
***
*Third person — nearly the same moment.*
With each step toward the center of the arena Master Oogway moved more fluidly and majestically, his hands drifting gently from side to side like ocean waves at tide. Reaching the group of fighters who waited with focused stillness, he extended his hand — and it appeared that his choice had fallen on Tigress.
She held her breath, waiting for Oogway's words, hope burning quietly inside her. More than anything, she wanted to justify the faith and effort Master Shifu had invested in her.
But the moment was shattered by a rising crack from the direction of the gates. The roof above them tilted and began breaking apart. Fireworks that had flown in from somewhere fed the destruction further, igniting explosions that tore through what remained. Burning debris crashed to the ground in a roar, and the heavy gates themselves collapsed behind it, blocking the exit.
Fortunately, no one in the crowd was hurt. From the very beginning of the ceremony the spectators had kept their distance from the gates, which had been producing uneasy sounds throughout, and when the collapse began they scattered instantly.
Every kung fu master snapped to alertness and prepared to repel an attack, reading the collapse as a sign of assault. Shifu gave a signal, and guards poured from the surrounding buildings onto the arena floor while the upper balcony bristled with crossbowmen leveling their weapons at the source of the destruction.
Master Oogway, apparently unbothered by the possibility of an attack, made his way calmly toward the wreckage. The entire arena watched in held silence.
Then one large fragment of debris, licked by small tongues of flame, shifted and fell to one side — revealing the enormous figure of a panda. The panda drew a deep breath and exhaled a powerful column of air that caught the sparks around it, briefly blazing into a stream of fire.
Outwardly he looked remarkably undisturbed for someone who had just survived a ton of wreckage landing on him. He was completely intact, still wearing his brown shorts, and still gripping a sealed flask in one hand.
Some of the locals recognized him immediately. An old rhino with a yellowed horn simply grunted. He had already been on his way to speak to the masters, intending to put in a word for his student.
After breathing the fire, the panda gulped down a lungful of fresh air, then finally looked around — and noticed Master Oogway standing nearly right beside him, pointing.
The panda's face held a calm, unreadable expression. Only a barely perceptible twitch above one eyebrow betrayed what he was actually feeling. Seeing Oogway's pointing finger, the panda arrived at his own interpretation of the situation and rasped in a strained voice:
"I suppose I'll be spending the rest of my life working off the cost of those gates."
The debris behind the panda seemed to have been waiting for exactly those words. It burst back into flames with renewed force and was instantly swallowed whole.
"How very interesting," Oogway murmured, regarding the panda with an entirely new expression.
"Guards! Remove this oaf from the premises immediately. We will deal with him after the venerable Master Oogway has announced the Dragon Warrior!" Shifu declared loudly, appearing from what seemed like thin air, his fury barely contained.
It was plain that he was furious — the ceremony he had spent years preparing had been derailed. Shifu was already imagining, in considerable detail, how he would punish the culprit.
"That really isn't necessary… I'll just step aside, and then we can all have a calm conversation about this," Po rasped.
Oogway studied the panda at length, as if arriving at a difficult decision, then spoke quietly.
"You—" At this, something between suspicion and disbelief crossed the panda's face.
Shifu raised a hand, stopping the buffalo guards who had been moving to seize the panda. Interrupting Master Oogway while he was addressing someone would have been the height of disrespect.
"You are the Dragon Warrior."
Oogway said it plainly, his finger still pointing. The words detonated like a bomb and left every single person present in stunned silence.
The panda went completely still, like a statue, showing no signs of life whatsoever. The light had gone out of his eyes entirely, making it clear his thoughts had traveled somewhere very far from this courtyard.
Before anyone could recover from the shock and form a single word, Oogway continued — his voice now considerably louder, ringing out across the entire arena.
"People of the Valley of Peace! Rejoice! The universe has sent us the Dragon Warrior!"
The servant tasked with the gong, hearing the key phrase, struck it. The musicians needed only a moment to collect themselves before launching into a rousing melody. The attendants responsible for fireworks and confetti sent bright flashes and cascades of colored flakes soaring into the sky without delay. The crowd began to chant — hesitantly at first, then with growing volume and unity: "Dragon Warrior! Dragon Warrior!"
Shifu, who had been frozen in place, finally came back to himself. His hands trembling, he hurried after Oogway, who was making his unhurried way toward the Jade Palace.
"Master Oogway, wait! That fat oaf — that panda — will be completely useless in helping us face the coming threat! Surely you meant Tigress. The destruction of the gates simply drew your attention at the wrong moment. The selection of this clumsy creature must be a mistake!"
"There are no mistakes," Oogway replied gently.
The conversation continued, but Shifu was pulled away by a sharp cracking sound behind him. He turned — and took in the following scene:
Goose servants who had rushed forward were carrying a special ramp and attempting to carefully load the panda onto it, as he had remained motionless and appeared to show no signs of life. Guards moved in to assist, straining considerably to maneuver him. But the geese couldn't even shift the ramp with the panda's weight on it, and once again the buffalo guards were called upon. They heaved with considerable effort and raised the heavy wooden platform — which promptly splintered apart with a terrible crack. At that point the panda suddenly came back to life, listened to a brief explanation from one of the attendants, and made his own way toward the palace, accompanied by the ceremonial procession.
When Shifu turned back, Master Oogway had already moved far ahead, leaving him alone with his disappointment and fury. His students approached and bowed their heads, preparing to receive their master's harsh judgment. Tigress kept her eyes lowered and admitted in a pained voice that they had let their teacher down.
"No," said Shifu, composing himself slightly. "That overstuffed fool will leave on his own before long. Or perhaps it is I who let you down."
***
*Po — shortly before.*
Quickly assessing the situation and catching the smell of smoke, I put in a reasonable effort and shoved aside the large section of roofing that had pinned me down. The moment that piece of debris hit the ground with a heavy thud, the burning in my chest and throat began to ease. I exhaled deeply and felt genuine relief.
*Yeah. That stuff really is liquid fire.* I watched the jet of flame I had just breathed dissipate, drew a lungful of fresh air, and looked around — at which point I realized I had landed myself in serious trouble.
Oogway himself was pointing at me. The sage and prophet, the one who was supposed to choose the Dragon Warrior. It would have been much better to stay under the rubble and not attract any attention. Now everyone would decide that I was responsible for destroying the roof and the gates — even though, in my personal opinion, that was simply not the case.
If the structure had been sound to begin with, it would have held my weight. And then there was whoever had set off the fireworks. How? A minute before I had been looking in that direction and everything was fine. Wait. There had been a new ladle lying near those crates — Father's ladle, shiny and brand new, perfectly shaped to focus sunlight and start a fire.
"I suppose I'll be spending the rest of my life working off the cost of those gates," I rasped involuntarily, my throat still raw, as I grasped just how expensive restoring something this unique was going to be. The gates were built from rare, precious timber and carried undeniable historical significance.
"How very interesting," the tortoise said — and for some reason the wisdom in his gaze unsettled me deeply, even though his voice was kind and his expression showed no hostility toward me at all.
"Guards! Remove this oaf from the premises immediately. We will deal with him after the venerable Master Oogway has announced the Dragon Warrior!" Shifu announced, appearing from nowhere and shooting me a look that could have stripped paint. Everything I knew about him was that he was Oogway's finest student and the teacher of the famous Furious Five. According to Tianjiang, Shifu had a spectacularly foul temper owing to some kind of tragedy in his past.
The fuller weight of the situation I was in finally settled on me. *That's it. It's over. Start saying my goodbyes or preparing for the chopping block — this is ancient China, and I just disrupted the most important ceremony imaginable, not some ordinary affair but one presided over by Master Oogway himself, whose influence, according to Father, exceeds even the Emperor's.*
"That really isn't necessary… I'll just step aside, and we can all have a calm conversation about this," I said uncertainly, without any clear idea of what I was hoping for. Meanwhile the heat at my back was beginning to intensify noticeably.
"You—"
When Oogway spoke that single word, I genuinely hoped what followed would be something like: *you will work here from dawn until dark, you lummox, until you've paid for what you broke,* or *get out of my sight and never return.* But somewhere beneath that hope a vague, creeping dread told me he was about to say something else entirely.
"You are the Dragon Warrior."
In that moment I lost contact with reality completely. My mind went blank for several seconds before the first thoughts began to surface.
*Well, happy now? Father warned you that alcohol causes nothing but problems! That's it — I'm done. Not a single drop, not a drop of anything ever again!*
*I was sitting here expecting some clueless idiot to fall out of the sky and get handed the Dragon Warrior title. And which clueless idiot fits that description perfectly? At least one very large one who was sitting on a roof eating buns!* And where does this lead exactly? Is this a cultivation world with infinite level grinding and harem collecting? Wait… no… NO! Please don't let this be some cheap Chinese hentai for degenerates — that last thought hit my already rattled consciousness like a physical blow.
Somewhere in the space of my mind an invisible door cracked open, and through it came the mocking, distorted bass voice from my dream: *What'd you think, furry boy — you walked into a fairytale? Think again.*
A sharp crack snapped me out of my stupor and pulled me back to reality. I found myself horizontal, for reasons that weren't immediately clear. When I got up, I understood — someone had tried to lay me on a ramp, which had apparently not survived the encounter with my weight.
"Great Dragon Warrior, please proceed to the Jade Palace," said a local attendant. He was a goose dressed in a ceremonial blue robe with gold embroidery.
"Do I have a choice?" I said grimly, and agreed — partly because I desperately wanted to get away from the crowd, which kept gleefully pointing at me and chanting "Dragon Warrior" from every direction.
And so, surrounded by an honorable procession, I made my way toward the palace. Along the route I caught the stares of the fighters who had performed in the arena today. The one that stood out most was Tigress's — and what it contained, clearly and unmistakably, was burning hatred and wounded pride.
"This is going to be a very difficult day," I sighed.
I had an overwhelming urge to break my brand-new promise and take one more pull from the flask.