Marlena: I'd just completed my master's degree and had returned to my native Germany from Copenhagen. I found that all my peers had automatically adopted the mindset of being grown-ups and were systematically embarking on the sensible path of getting jobs, building up their careers and earning money.
I, on the other hand, had opted for a volunteering job at an NGO, which is something most people do when they are a little bit younger, perhaps fresh out of college. And even stranger, out of all the options available, I'd applied for opportunities in Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan or Georgia, the one in Europe, in that order of preference. I would be gone for a whole year.
My choice of opting for those places was not at all rational and I have no idea what put that region on my radar in the first place other than perhaps curiosity about little known post-soviet era countries.
I would be stepping away from the familiarity of Europe, as well as from my boyfriend, whom I'd been with for almost a year at that point. People around me weren't being that supportive of my decision either and I truly couldn't explain why I was going ahead with it, other than to say that a strong feeling was telling me I just had to do it.
When it comes to big decisions in life, I have always found that when I don't listen to my mind and just follow my gut, things actually pan out quite nicely. I knew to trust that.
That same strong feeling was also saying that I would end up being placed in Georgia and soon this was confirmed. I was to be stationed in Tbilisi, the capital
I said what I thought was a temporary goodbye to my boyfriend in Germany and headed to Georgia for the year.
The nature of the relationship with my boyfriend was such that we both had fairly busy lives and weren't living in the same place so we would only catch up on weekends. Having such an active tempo was something that I thrived in, something that fueled and fulfilled me, yet I also sensed that I longed for a base, a nest, the kind of existence that would make me say, "I'm home."
My boyfriend was someone who checked all the boxes, someone that my parents would approve of but since I'd moved to Georgia and had time to experience things from afar, I'd been growing increasingly aware of my unhappiness.
Being long-distance now, all we had was verbal communication and I realized our chats were mostly small talk and fairly superficial. I hadn't yet realized that this was actually a reflection of the lack of emotional depth in our relationship and so I was always left with this feeling of deficiency that I just couldn't pinpoint and transfer from my subconscious into my conscious reasoning.
Suddenly without the cover of my distraction packed, fast-paced life, the relationship was standing naked right in front of me and I was trying very hard not to look at it lest I had to acknowledge its flaws. Everything fit so well on paper, how could he not be the right one for me? It was a dance of avoidance between me and myself. One of us was bound to get tired.
The bland, arid landscape of that relationship was actually going to be quite important in terms of the contrast it set to all that was to follow when I met Elie, but I had no idea of that at the time.
My explosive awakening.
Elie: My awakening was not so subtle. It was about two and a half years ago and I was living in Lebanon, where I'm from. I was on my laptop studying when my friend Alex dropped by one evening.
We were having coffee and chit chatting about his girlfriend, his friends and his life in France. I was finishing up on my computer when suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere, a voice popped right into my head and asked, "What are you doing here? What the hell are you doing here?"
I sat there casually carrying on my conversation with Alex as I quietly responded to this fantom voice in my head, "I'm about to finish my degree in business and management, I also just finished my studies in psychology and I'm working while I'm preparing to go to the UK for my masters degree… And what the hell?!"
But there it was again—the same voice, the same question, "What the hell are you doing here?"
I'd been meditating regularly for about five years at that point so my senses were rather open. My mind silently responded, "Well, what should I be doing?"
The voice said, "Get the hell out of here!"
Wow!
I told Alex I needed to go to the bathroom.
I went to the bathroom in a daze, shut the door and splashed some water on my face. As I slowly raised my head, I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror… and I could not recognize myself! The face staring back at me was a stranger to me!
I was out of breath.
What in the world was happening to me?
I went back to the room, downed my coffee, closed my laptop and I said, "Alex, listen, no more!"
He said, "Yeah, funny! What do you mean 'no more'?"
I said, "No, no more! No more study and no more work—I'm traveling! That's it!"
I opened up my to-do list.
What was on my list?
Yoga and meditation teacher training. Bingo! That's what I was going to do!
What's the country that it comes from?
India!
Okay, let's go to India. Done!
booked everything, saved as much money as much as I could, said goodbye to life as I'd known it and the next thing I know, I was in India doing my yoga teacher training.
India was a huge culture shock for me but being very adaptable by nature, I was fully open to embracing their ways, immersing myself in their ancient wisdom and living as they did. It was the start of the most amazing life-changing, mind-opening experience for me.
By the time my training was over, something profound had shifted within me. I always say that my trip to India is the chapter of my life in which I consider myself to have been spiritually reborn.
I didn't want to return to Lebanon, I just couldn't. I wanted to roam the world teaching yoga and meditation and sharing my story so that people could also open their hearts to their dreams, get out of the system and embrace the world.
Georgia came on my radar as they had just relaxed their visa policies towards many nationalities, including Lebanese citizens. This would allow me to stay there visa-free for a whole year. I thought it was a great idea—new culture, new food, new language, plus it was very affordable! Great, let's see what they've got!
I ended up staying in Georgia for thirteen months, volunteering in eco-villages.
My volunteer work allowed me to learn about things that I was passionate about, like natural, sustainable living and permaculture. This eventually also led me to Europe doing the same thing.
I was traveling the world, just as I had dreamed of!
After experiencing a few countries in Europe, I ended up in Turkey. I explored it quite a bit, volunteering again.
One of the eco-villages was up on a mountain and was very basic. It had no electricity and hardly any internet or WiFi. It provided me with complete isolation in all senses. I stayed there for twenty-two days. We drank the water springing from the land and ate the food supplied by mother earth. I felt very deeply connected to everything during my stay there and this allowed for me to dive deeper into my thoughts.
As always, I was meditating regularly every morning, every evening, every day, every night. My meditations were revealing to me that I was on the right path. They were also solidifying my vision of what I wanted my future to look like—continuing to live a life in accordance to nature, detached from the system.
In the picture of my desires was a cob house in the woods, surrounded by the organic food I'd be growing on my land using permaculture practices… but there was something missing in this picture, it was a blind spot that I hadn't noticed before but I did now—I was longing for a partner to share this journey with me. I was already fulfilled and happy on my own but I would love to share my presence with someone in a mutually nourishing interaction.
I'd had some girlfriends and various levels of depth in a relationship, as well as one night stands, but they'd all left me feeling unsatisfied. It's like having your oats in the morning but you're still yearning for something more, or if you dig deeper, something else.
I hated the concept of boyfriend and girlfriend. It had never resonated with me. I wanted something more real, more substantial, someone who was shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand with me, a partner who was the other half to my half.
I wouldn't be leaning on her and she wouldn't be leaning on me, we would be harmoniously walking along together, side by side.
I have a great connection with the universe so I declared this and wished for a partner. This wish did not have a flavor of need or necessity, which I find to be the wrong flavoring for such a wish. It was more along the lines of, "I would love to meet her. The One."
With that unearthed from my psyche and implanted into the universe, I continued my travels.
I volunteered in a dog shelter in Turkey for a month and had a short relationship there where I experienced cohabitation for the first time in my life. My soul was asking more questions and the universe was giving me the opportunity to discover the answers within myself. I was able to look at things in an unorthodox light and this enabled me to learn a lot from that experience.
My time in Turkey was coming to an end and my aim was to do Vipassana, a ten day silent meditation retreat, which was taking place in Armenia in May, about a month later. I actually had many other reasons to go to Armenia besides this retreat. My roots are Armenian and I'd been playing with the idea of setting up an eco-village one day—which was one of the main reasons that I had started volunteering in eco-villages in the first place—and I had people who could help me if I were to do this there. Plus, it's a great communist country and also very affordable. Anything was possible!
Meanwhile, I had written a book about my travels and was connecting with many people through my website. So although I had no money and was aiming to live moneyless so that I didn't have to be a part of a system that I didn't believe in, I did have solid faith in my life journey and knew that I had to take the first step and the universe would guide me to where I was meant to be.
But until then, in between my time in Turkey and Armenia in May, I had one month to kill.
Georgia was like a home to me and I thought it would be great to return and spend that month there. Georgia's nature really is superlative and my plan was to volunteer in an eco-village somewhere in the mountains. But when your plans clash with destiny's plans, destiny always wins.
Some of my friends wanted me to visit them in France and it turned out that I needed to apply for a visa in the French embassy and the embassy was in Tbilisi. I'd had no intention or desire to be in a city but my dream of going to the mountains had to be put on hold as I needed to remain in Tbilisi for the back-and-forth needed for the visa.
It's really quite hard to get any sort of employment in Georgia but I had to find a way to sustain myself and also needed a roof over my head. One of the things I could do which would enable both of those was to volunteer in a hostel, so that's what I decided to do.
I found a hostel in the center of the city. This was quite a big contrast to the mountains and natural living that I had just left behind.
I hate having WiFi around me and they had two big routers and WiFi blasting everywhere. On top of all that, the atmosphere was quite fake and the conversations suitably superficial. The people there were just looking to get drunk and have sex. That just didn't do it for me, to say the least. I lasted for eight days and then I said, "That's enough."
I had a friend who had an extra room in his house. I approached him and said, "I barely have enough money so I can't do a flat share. Would you accept this amount and rent me a room until I go to Armenia in a month?" Would be great if he said okay and no problem at all if he declined, but much to my gratitude, he kindly accepted my very modest budget and I finally had a place to rest my head for that month in Tbilisi.
Marlena: Although Tbilisi is also a big city like the one I had left behind, it was somehow providing me with the mental space where I was able to detach from the engulfing hustle and bustle and retune and reconnect within.
I was getting back to my meditation practice.
I was getting back to myself.
Elie: Nature, as always, was my way of reconnecting. Although my place for the month was a neighborhood called Saburtalo, a fairly busy part of Tbilisi, it is always very easy to find a park or forest to go to for a hike in any city in Georgia so I kept myself well balanced with regular hikes in the woods. why my motivation to go was so low…
Elie: What was I to do?
I took a quick look at the people responding to the event invite. They seemed like a nice, cheerful crowd made up of a lot of expats from different backgrounds. Seemed like they were all going for a photo exhibit and a drink afterwards too.
Hmmm…
Marlena: Next to my long mental list of reasons not to go was one simple reason why I should go and it was one that was close to my heart—I really did want to support my sweet friend Nino who was organizing everything.
That thought trumped everything else!
I managed to gather the final remnants of my energy and started to make my way over to the event.
Elie: Finally a decision clicked into place for me too.
'Okay, I'll just drop by, why not?' I thought. If they accept me and we mesh well, great. If not, it'll be a case of thank you very much and goodbye. No problem.
Two trains and some rushing and walking later, I'd arrived. Nino and a bunch of people were already there so I greeted everyone. We were all standing in a circle and about three minutes later Marlena appeared, breaking into the circle right opposite me.
She stepped forward to give Nino a hug, then stepped back again into that spot right in front of me.
Now we stood facing each other.
And then I looked at her and she looked at me.
The second I laid eyes on her, we were both taken somewhere high up into the sky.
I completely lost myself in her eyes.
I had never, ever experienced anything like this before, never.
Marlena: I was similarly entrenched. His eyes they were so bright, they just kept me there.
Elie: She had her head tilted to one side and looked utterly charming. She seemed to be in her own little world. I didn't know if she was blonde or tall or short or anything else, but I felt her energetic presence very intensely. I was completely engulfed in it.
I don't know how long that flight lasted, one or two or three seconds, but we both went all the way up into the sky.
Marlena: It felt longer than three seconds to me.
Elie: It was like a lifetime rolled into three seconds and a whole lifetime to look into her soul but in actual earth-time, it probably was only three seconds.
Marlena: The feeling of instant recognition was overwhelming. Something in me was saying, "That's him!"
Elie: I too had a feeling that we had met before. It was like the emotional sensation of bingo! I'm not the Don Juan type. I'm not into flirting and trying. I'm concise and to the point both on the outside and within and this was a moment of pure clarity for me.
Marlena: I think there was a short introduction but I couldn't remember anyone else's name, I just remembered Elie's. Suddenly there was a shift and we all started walking and then, just like that, we found ourselves next to each other.me what is your truth? I will tell them everything in minutes without worrying about how I'm coming across, I don't quite give a damn, to be honest.
And if I ever make a mistake, I have no qualms about acknowledging it and saying I'm sorry. If I mess up, I will embrace the consequences. Fair!
For me, living like this makes life easier but it sometimes is not quite so for others as I bring complications to them—not everyone is comfortable with the truth. But this is how I live and how I am.
I had poured everything out there now. And she was downloading it bit by bit, processing everything little by little.
If you play tennis, you know a part of the game is trying to figure out the technique of the person you're playing with. If you know how I play and you play the same way, you will not lose the ball. So I had thrown the ball at her and she had managed to match my vibration and had given it right back to me. Bam!
At this point the rest of the group had caught up with us so we turned to say hello to them. We continued walking down the main road doing the usual superficial zig zag conversations with people that you're just getting to know.
Marlena: But we always ended up next to each other again.
Elie: Just like two magnets.
Marlena: And we were always no further than a few meters away from each other at any given point.
Elie: I always had her in the corner of my eye, keeping an eye on her.
Marlena: An eye, as well as an ear too!
Elie: As did she. And every time we broke away, we would return and our conversation would continue to flow like it had never stopped.
Marlena: It was in the very deep connection that we had, we were in complete sync with each other.
Some time later, our photo walk came to an end. We were now to head to a bar to check out the photo exhibit there and have a drink. Our group dispersed. Some went to catch a ride with Nino and others had marched on to get there on foot. Marlena: We had a sip of wine but the eyes, they were communicating on another realm.
Elie: It was a perfect way to blend.
Marlena: Yes it was, very much so. We couldn't speak across that huge table but our eyes would not stop communicating.
Elie: We continued to chit chat with those around us. A little later, I turned once again to grab my glass of wine and we had another magical moment.
Marlena: I don't think I can replicate that move ever again but I picked up my wine and I raised it, but only to him. Everything and everyone else faded away. There was just him and me.
Elie: And she did the same head-tilt that she made when she first saw me. Her eyes were speaking again and they were saying, "I'm here, don't forget about me. I'm still with you and I'm not leaving without you." Those were the silent words she was sending me with her eyes. It was a very special moment again just between her and I.
Marlena: Throughout the night, our eyes never stopped talking. Marlena: Eventually the night started to come to en end. Slowly people started to leave.
Elie: It was almost midnight and I was a little tired. I thought, "Well, that's enough." I'd had enough of the current state of things but in no way had I had enough of Marlena's company. I really wanted to go somewhere, anywhere, with her. I was hopefully curious as to where this might lead, but without expectations.
With a few words and gestures to each other, we decided to get up and leave. But when we stood up, so did they rest of our photo walk crowd and we all ended up walking out together.
Marlena: Yes, trying to get some time alone clearly wasn't going to happen, so we continued walking with everyone.
Elie: Then she asked me, "So, how long will you stay here before you go to Armenia?" I said, "For a month or so."
Marlena: I said, "Oh…"
Elie: At this point, our group had split into two as we were heading to two separate sides of the city. Marlena and I had ended up in separate groups.
Marlena: I said, "Can I have your number?" Something that I normally would never do. He said, "Yeah."
Elie: I said, "What are you up to tomorrow?"
Marlena: I'd already made plans to visit this ancient monastery in Mtsketa near Tbilisi that next day.
Elie: And I was to catch up with my friend Mary Ellen anyhow. We'd both made these plans before we met. I said, "Don't worry, I'm still here. This is my number, write it down anywhere you want. Goodbye."
I messaged her the next morning saying, "Thank you for a wonderful evening," and she wrote back saying something along the lines of, "Your presence made it wonderful." Although we had vaguely alluded to perhaps being able to catch up after she was done with all the things she had to do, I didn't keep the messaging going sending her one message after another. I said what I had to say then bye. I'm relaxed.
I knew she was going to be quite a bit on the reserved side and she would never take any crap either.
Marlena: At that point you didn't know the reason—that I was still officially in a relationship.
Elie: I had no idea. She didn't tell me and I didn't even think to ask because of what I saw in her eyes. They had told me all night that there was no one else. And all in all, we had spoken less than thirty minutes at that point.
So we didn't end up catching up the next day, which was expected, but what did surprise me was that she kept me on 'pending' mode a lot, which is something I really dislike. Of course, I still didn't know that she was dating someone else so it didn't make sense to me after how we'd connected.
If I messaged her in the morning, I could see that my messages had reached her phone. Perhaps she couldn't read them at work during the day, which was possible, but in the evening when you're home or having dinner, there is no reason to not look at them. And, when those messages remained unread even the day after, that didn't quite make sense to me. What is the silent message you are trying to send me then?
Marlena: Yes, I did put him on pending mode a lot but it was not intentional and definitely not because I was indifferent. On the contrary, since I'd met Elie, I felt that I'd lost my bearings and was all over the place. I had to figure out who I'd just met and what all these feelings I now had meant. In line with that, I'd embarked on a mission of researching all that I could on love and soulmates and understand how these things worked.
On the other hand, I was also trying to assess how things were with my boyfriend and could see that things just hadn't been working out. I simply wasn't happy and hadn't been so for a while. I was still trying to come to grips with having to admit to myself how unfulfilled I'd been feeling and it was tough.
I had a conversation with him and spoke to him on a level that we had never spoken in before. I asked him if he believed in soulmates. Trying to talk to him about something that had any kind of depth just was not possible. We were so lacking in that aspect that we couldn't even have a conversation about it. The connection just wasn't there at all. I was turning to him to help me search for something that I couldn't yet define, something that I felt was missing between us and the only thing that I was discovering was even more emptiness.
I was realizing that my attraction towards him was that everything checked out on paper and was picture-perfect—he was very connected to nature, was a responsible person with a stable job, and just fit all the criteria that someone normal would go for. And I didn't want to admit to myself that I am not looking for something normal.
I'd been meditating for years and this was something that I held very dear to me. I had never shared this thing that was such an important part of my life with him and he had never cared enough to inquire about things that made me tick. This was already a red flag on both counts but I'd completely ignored it.
Meanwhile, on the other hand I just couldn't help but notice how different things were with Elie. Although we'd only just met, everything about him—our connection, our conversations, that surreal click we both felt—everything was so palpable, so incredibly real. It wasn't just a casual crossing of paths, there was so much more substance to it. If we summed it up, Elie and I probably had only spent a total of thirty minutes in conversation that night that we met, yet I could already sense the authenticity and significance of what transpired between us…
Still, no matter what my confusing roller-coaster questioning and reasoning sessions were revealing, the fact remained that I was officially with someone else and things were too overwhelming for me to process all at once. Another minor detail was that I prefer meeting people and seeing them face to face rather than messaging them.
In addition to all of these confronting internal awakenings that were dawning on me, there were other practical matters that I was trying to navigate everyday—I was new at work and still trying to adjust to everything there as well as trying to assimilate myself into the ways of a brand new country and culture.
And that's why I was torn between answering and not answering Elie anytime he messaged me and why my responses were so slow and sporadic. But that was soon to change.
How can awful be wonderful?
Marlena: One of the things Elie and I had discussed when we met was the market near the main train station in Tbilisi. This was a bustling bazaar with all sorts of local vendors selling spices, fruits, vegetables, home-made wine, second hand clothing and electronics plus anything and everything else one can think of.
Elie had mentioned what a special place it was and how he always went there to buy his wine and vegetables.
I was extremely interested in going and had only been in Tbilisi for one month so he offered to take me there anytime but we hadn't put a date or time on it. It was a vague plan.
I can't remember if he proposed it or if I led the conversation towards going to the market but we ended up messaging about it.
Elie: I told myself, "Well, if she's not going to do anything, you have to take the lead!"
So I texted her in the morning and said, "How about I take you to the bazaar in the morning, we buy a few things and then go for a picnic at Lisi Lake?"
I'd seen that when I messaged her in the morning, the reply arrived in the evening or if I messaged her in the evening, the reply came in the morning so I knew not to expect a quick few-hour turn around.
Marlena: I got his message. There were so many voices and opinions about what I should do. I was under a lot of influence from a lot of people, not to mention my inner debate with my conscience around what would be right or wrong.
I was so curious about Elie and all that he had triggered within me. Who was this person? What did it all mean? What would happen if we just went to the market?
I finally responded that evening saying, "That would be awfully wonderful. Yes, I would love to."
Elie: It was late for me and I was getting ready to wind down. My usual routine was to do my meditation then sleep around 9 pm.
I received her message.
My mind was sleepy, I didn't have my glasses on and my vision was blurry.
I have an old-fashioned Samsung phone which only displays the first few words of any message as a preview. To see the full message you actually have to click on it. So when I received her message, all I could see in the preview pane through my sleepy eyes was, "That would be awfully w…"
"Oh, okay," I thought, "This isn't gonna work. I should have finished that first night with her, maybe had a one night stand, and then forget about it. I'll probably delete her contact details tomorrow. I was probably mistaken, she's not a fit for me. That's it, done!"
I put my phone on airplane mode and went to meditate and sleep.
I woke up the next day. It was Thursday and I had a very busy day ahead. I went through my usual routine: breakfast, yoga, meditation—always so good!
It was after that, around 10 am, that I checked my phone.
I clicked on her message and that's when the full message was revealed to me:
That would be awfully wonderful. Yes, I would love to.
I beg your pardon, what?!
For me it was a closed case already, finished! I'd already clicked delete on her mentally.
Awfully wonderful? What kind of English was that?
Marlena: Awfully wonderful, terribly beautiful—I use paradoxes on a regular basis. It's just something I do.
Elie: I quickly rearranged all of my plans and cancelled the Russian lesson I had in the evening too for good measure.
Marlena: I had no idea that he'd done that but I'd done the same thing—rearranged my day to see him.
Elie: The messages were flowing now! When can you make it? Four is okay… Great! Liberty Square? Okay…
Oh my God, it's working! We agreed to meet up at 4 o'clock instead of in the morning and that was it.
I said to myself, "Okay, this is not a date but you are going out with her so just be yourself and let her accept you the way you truly are in all that you are—the way you think, the way you speak, the way you practice life."
I wasn't about to change myself for anyone—and nobody should—I was a take me or leave me kind of package.
My favorite clothes are those that would definitely not be acceptable for any kind of meeting in society's norms, not at all! Still, I put them on.
Marlena: You were wearing your favorite 't-shirt.'
Elie: My favorite t-shirt is kind of torn. It's not appropriate for any occasion but I love it.
Marlena: I don't think it should even be called a t-shirt because it is not.
Elie: I guess technically it's not a t-shirt.
Marlena: Ripped… I've been raised to be respectful towards others, plus who am I to judge someone else's appearance? If he's happy, I'm happy, so I didn't comment. I do have to admit though, I'm very happy that t-shirt never got to see another summer this year.
Elie: We said hello and headed off to the bazaar to this one shop that I'd been going to for a year and a half now. The sweet old ladies there knew me very well.
Marlena: It was actually a very awkward situation that followed.
Elie: I've brought my friends there before but this was a different situation and they felt it. We exchanged the usual Russian-Geogian pleasantries then all attention was focused on her.
Lamazia gogo they were saying, beautiful girl. Then they said deda meaning mother and started making gestures of cradling an imaginary baby.
It was the first time that we were going out, and I wasn't even sure if this was a date, and this is what was going on. I could tell she was really embarrassed and I was trying to explain to them, "Look it's the second time I've ever seen her, I don't know."
They kept saying khorosho khorosho meaning good, good in Russian, all of them nodding in agreement.
"I don't know if she's khorosho or not, wait, I just met her!"
Marlena: All of them were saying it, all of them! There was so much attention on me.
Then everyone was asking me questions—where are you from, what do you do here, what's your name? Then they added, "He's a good guy! You look after him now, take care of him."
Elie: Being under a huge spotlight, getting bombarded with comments and questions and being very reserved by nature, she actually handled it quite well.
Marlena: All the while Elie was filling up the wine bottle and I was just standing there trying to answer best as I could.
Elie: People have different states and categories and those ladies could feel that. They sensed the other people were strictly in the 'just friends' category but now it felt like they were thinking, "Oh, you brought your other half. This is your match and it shows that the heart is complete now."
With all our provisions in place, we took the bus to Lisi lake. That was where I asked her about something that is very important to me: food. What do you eat? How do you eat it?
Marlena: Well, you were testing.
Elie: Well, I was.
Marlena: In the grand scheme of things, the space that food occupies in a relationship is very important to me. I have always valued and loved preparing food together. It is a bonding experience for me, it's the place for conversations and discussions to take place. It is an essential daily ritual and you dedicate time to it everyday.
Elie: And you put your energy into it.
Marlena: And you value what you eat. Back then, I was a vegetarian and I was slowly inching towards veganism. I would have dairy products every now and again, but very little. It was decreasing more and more. Elie was asking me about meat specifically and I was giving him the standard answer that I gave everyone.
Elie: It was a very typical German answer, "If I know the source of the meat, I'll eat it. But I won't if I don't. I don't eat commercial meat." I was thinking, 'No, that doesn't work! You must have more awareness.'
Marlena: Yes, that was a pretty important discussion for us in the bus and my responses were very important to Elie. Then we got off the bus and started walking towards the lake and it was my turn to start testing.
I was intentionally asking questions that were very deep and open which would reveal a lot about him to me. These questions would probably be considered very private, very personal by anyone else.
Elie: Yes, you normally wouldn't ask someone these were the kinds of questions on your first meeting but we'd had no barriers with each other from the get-go and had never stooped to superficial, inconsequential conversations from the start so it didn't feel out of place at all.
Marlena: My questions were also very future-oriented. I hadn't pre-planned these questions except for a few. The rest flowed out very organically and were getting more and more candid.
Elie would have to open up more and talk about what he was looking for in life so that I get to know him. I felt that this would also be a very enlightening experience for me so that I could get a little more clarity about what I wanted too and find my way out of this confusing smog I was in.
I was getting very long, very detailed responses to my questions.
Elie: The more detailed my answers were, the more elaborate her questions became.
Marlena: At the start of our hike in the park, he was telling me what he was looking for in a partner. He said that he isn't looking for someone, he's looking for something, something that is mutual. Everything had to be on a mutual basis.
Elie: Like an equal partnership.
Marlena: That really touched my heart because I knew deep down inside, that was exactly what I wanted. It was exactly what I was looking for—the mutuality of things, the equality from within. I thought wow!
I'm not sure whether you're aware of this but that was one of the moments for me where something pretty important clicked into place. Equality and mutuality, our shared values right there, side by side. Communication as the basis of love was another thing.
Elie: I was telling her that I'm really looking for a partner—not a fling, not a one night stand, not the boyfriend girlfriend thingy, but a mutual, equal partnership. She just kept on looking at me. When I mentioned the part about equality and mutuality, I sensed that it really struck a chord with her.
The part that stunned me was when she said, "That's why we are here—to see where this might lead us."
To me this meant we're here to see where this can go, where we can go!
It was like when you're needing a document to be signed then stamped, and suddenly it's signed, stamped and also sealed—that's when the deal is done and for me that moment signified our deal being done. Finished!
We hiked up and then found ourselves under a tree encircled by many other trees. We lay our blanket down and were snacking on fruits and vegetables as we sipped our wine. The sun was slowly setting between the mountains and we were watching it.
Marlena: We were talking about our connection and relationships with people and I can't remember what it was that he said which triggered it but just like that, my tears started to roll down my cheeks and I found myself crying! That was the first time in a very long time that I'd cried in front of someone and not only that, I was crying in front of someone that I'd only seen once before. What he was talking about was something that I'd been longing and craving for so profoundly that I was uncontrollably moved.
I'm not even sure if you were aware just how much your words touched me and how fully overwhelmed I was.
Elie: You were speechless!
Marlena: I was totally speechless! It stunned me into silence!
I always take my time to get to know the person and I really weigh my thoughts and think twice before imparting them to someone. I'm not the kind of person who's that emotional with anyone, especially if I've just met them. But with you, I just started crying. I couldn't believe it!
Elie: We kept going deeper and deeper. She would ask me a five second question and revealing my answer in full would last maybe half an hour or two. I spoke so much that eventually my head started to ache.
I finally said, "Listen Marlena, I followed your lead and gave you all that you want. I really respect that you are a reserved person who keeps things in and you need time to expand and open up but now it's my turn. Tell me about you…"
She slowly started to open up.
Very slowly!
She started telling me about there being someone else in the picture but she couldn't quite get the words out, not because she was hiding anything, it was more like she wasn't sure what she was saying was valid anymore.
Marlena: Well, I couldn't feel my boyfriend anywhere within my inner world at the point. This connection I had with Elie was already flooding all that space within me, flushing anyone else out of the picture.
Elie: As I listened, I was getting the impression that for her this relationship was like her attempt at embracing the generic picture of life that society throws at you and trying to make it fit: By the age of thirty I need to be married, we need to own a home, he should be working, I should be cooking and we should have kids because we need to fit in.
Marlena: A little while later, as we were watching the sunset somehow the mood and the energy just changed and I can't remember what you said but we ended up kissing.
Elie: Yes, we shared a kiss.
Finally, it was around 8:30 so we decided to move. We bounced down the mountain.
The discussion about there somehow being someone else went on just a little bit longer and was concluded with her saying something along the lines of, "Give me some time about that."
Would you like to be 'us'?
Elie: We were now back in the city walking towards the busy Pekini street where I was going to see Marlena off to the bus.
Just before she got on the bus I said to her, "Marlena, you have asked me many questions and I have given you and me i really love you