Tao Hua's eyes slowly fluttered open, each blink bringing the library back into view.
The dream this time differed, and instead of it being located in the heart of the palace, Tao Hua found himself ahead of another person. Compared to the Shan Si from the previous dreams, he couldn't quite make out the face on this one.
It was strikingly similar, albeit with a few exceptions. The hair was bone straight, and the voice held a deeper, more mature tone.
As for his emotions? Clear as day. The man before him, screaming inaudible nonsense, displayed anger and turmoil. He clearly wanted Tao Hua dead, enough to point his own sword at him.
But the issue with the dream was he could never seem to make much of it out, as if the world was submerged underwater. Each spoken word, to the details of the scenery, was all muffled.
But why? Dreams were typically the result of the things a person knew, and a concoction of their desires and fears, so why couldn't Tao Hua make any of it out?
His head was ready to split just thinking about it, and there was only so much he could handle. He brought his arm up to his forehead and let out a deep sigh.
"It hurts…" he mumbled a whine, his fingers weakly curling into his hands. Waking up from the dream often relieved the pain in his arm, transferring it to his head instead. There was a slight suspicion that his dreams were associated with the substance, but despite his efforts in trying to figure it out, Tao Hua just couldn't make sense of it.
Even if he wanted to talk to Shan Si about it, he was under the impression it would stress him out more than necessary, putting on display how much of a disruption Tao Hua truly was in the palace.
But he wanted to, and he wanted to so badly. To fathom a safe space in someone so controversial, how low had Tao Hua tumbled? And yet, he was fine with being dyed in his colours, even to the point of craving such.
The longer he thought about everything—from Shan Si to the dream and all in between—the more his head hurt.
So, he did what he always had in his past when dealing with things that terrified him. He mouthed a countdown. From ten to one and one to ten, repeating it rhythmically until his chest finally eased.
Shortly after, he lowered his arm and flipped to his side, patting around for the books he'd left open prior to passing out.
He patted and patted, then he paused, furrowed his brows, and resumed patting around the bed. It was dark, but not dark enough for him to realize the books were no longer where he had last set them.
Glancing up at the table, Tao Hua found them neatly packed tall, with one of his bookmarks carefully placed where he last read.
As if handled with the utmost care.
Breath caught, Tao Hua brought his hand to his chest, clutching onto the fabric. He turned to peek out into the library, and that's when the throbbing pain in his head started to pierce tenfold.
His heart quickened more than it ever had upon seeing such a sight, and the corners of his eyes stung a vivid red.
Off in the middle of the room, sitting in the desk's seat, was a man twice Tao Hua's size. His hair was tied up with a golden ornament, and draped over his shoulders was a black and gold outer robe. Tied to his waist protruded an item Tao Hua couldn't make out, but if he had to surmise, it was the hilt of a sword.
As for this man's posture…it slumped down the chair, angled enough to pocket room between his lower back and the chair, with his head dipped toward his chest.
Folded over his stomach were his hands, threatening to slip off at a moment's notice.
Tao Hua stared for a good second longer before removing his blue ribbon from his wrist and tying up his hair. He placed his hands on the edge of the bed, swiftly crawling off. At the sound of soft pattering along the wooden floor, he made his way past the countless shelves of books, toward the sleeping man.
Approaching, he caught sight of his expression. Peacefully asleep, his breathing as light as a feather in the mid-afternoon winds. Tao Hua reached a trembling hand toward his face, but merely kept it inches away in hesitation.
The last week had brought in a heap of revelations, and he wasn't sure how to approach any of it. So, he simply stood there and just examined the sleeping beauty, watching how each gentle breath elevated his clasped hands.
He was serenity divine, and it was as if the world around him hadn't existed. Every crease in his face was smoothed out by the dim rays of light, swinging from the dying lantern outside the lattice windows.
For once, it was as if this man looked innocent, never once bearing stress.
Then, Tao Hua's eyes shifted to the sword, his entire being soon collapsing into his emotions. It was in that moment he finally realized nothing of this man's horrid past mattered anymore.
Tied to the hilt still was his bookmark, though dirtied, it was still there—red string, coin, and all.
It remained on that pommel since the day of their first meeting in the bookstore, and it was clear it wasn't removed once. The muted pink fabric was basically soiled with dirt, and the Japanese anemone was peeling.
This tall, brooding man with too many responsibilities, potentially at fault for the fall of a golden city, kept a meagerly crafted bookmark given to him by a small-town, good-for-nothing, boy.
Without even a word, Tao Hua finally reached his hand toward Shan Si and gently shook his shoulder. Wearily, the man slowly opened his eyelids, and it took him a solid minute or two to fully register where he was.
And when he did, well, that's when the urgency clutched him panicked. Hastily, he gripped both armrests, glanced around the room, and was just about to get up before his eyes fell on Tao Hua.
They held a sort of sadness in them, something that seemingly began to break every carefully built wall stationed around him, all in real time. The cracks were visible in the way his entire complexion contorted.
A guilt, to be exact, and one that Tao Hua recognized all too well.
Then, upon seeing that Tao Hua also returned such an expression, a painful, self-deprecating smile curved his lips, paired with the slam of his back against the chair.
"Damn," Shan Si whispered, reaching a hand up to the side of his head. "This hurts more than I ever imagined it would. Hah, at least I'm still capable of pain."
Still, Tao Hua didn't say anything; his only response was in the way his fingers curled around the fabric of Shan Si's shoulders, trembling. It took every fibre of his being not to break down then and there.
"I got caught up before I could come find you. An update on the palace while I was gone…" Shan Si said with a difficult attempt at keeping his composure, all for the person who stood silently next to him. It was clear that whoever filled him in warned him of Tao Hua's time with Fang Jian and Weng Jing.
However, in Shan Si's mind, the fault was his. "I broke my promise."
From the way Shan Si's hair frayed, and how unkempt his clothes were, it was clear that whatever kept him behind struck panic so vast that he hadn't accounted for the surrounding area. He just rushed through the palace, quicker than ever, and whatever his concern, he had to find it immediately.
In the midst of this silence, Shan Si leaned his head toward his shoulder, heaved a breath, before finally chancing to return to Tao Hua's gaze. When he realized he couldn't avoid it any longer, the smile on his face finally fell.
"I'm so sorry." Words he hadn't ever uttered before, finally spoken in the early hours of the morning, on the eighth day. "I'm so sorry, Tao Hua."
Swallowing, Shan Si hadn't once dared to push past Tao Hua's boundaries, and for once kept his hands to himself. His entire body slumped, and it was as if he'd finally given up.
Staring down at his lap, Shan Si placed his hands on his thighs. His lashes drooped, and between each pause, his voice staggered.
"Anything—I'll do anything to make it up, even if it means never seeing you again."
Tao Hua's hand—the one still clutched onto Shan Si's shoulder—shook. His lower lip protruded into a pout so painfully sad that it was evident he couldn't keep hiding his hurt. Whatever was going through his mind, the pain he'd been enduring for the last few days would have been a better option.
"I…I know I'm an extremely selfish man, but I swear to you, I'll do anything to make up for it. Even if it means my life to make up for theirs—"
And for the first time, Tao Hua pushed past the boundary between the two. He removed his arm from Shan Si's shoulder, causing Shan Si to somewhat resign with a sigh, assuming the worst.
But Tao Hua didn't turn away, he instead reached for Shan Si's hands.
The contrast between the two was comparable. Tao Hua's hands were delicate and small, though scarred; yet they held much more agency than Shan Si's in that moment.
Confused and slightly concerned, Shan Si watched as Tao Hua picked them up and set them aside, before those gentle pair of hands moved up to his shoulders and carefully pushed him back into the chair.
He made sure Shan Si sat straight and proud, no longer slumped.
Wasting not even a second, Tao Hua crawled atop Shan Si's lap, straddled his thighs, and cupped his cheeks. He forced the widened, pale eyes to look at him, even if they were reluctant at first.
The air between the two was intense, with both expressions twisted sorrowfully.
And when Tao Hua opened his mouth, that every part of Shan Si finally broke down after two hundred years.
"I don't hate you," Tao Hua softly said, even through the pain in his chest and arm, he still spoke with absolute certainty. "I could never hate you."
It was as if Shan Si's breathing heightened, and he could no longer control it. Thereandthen, he didn't think once and only acted. Reaching his hands up, he pressed one to the back of Tao Hua's head, the other around his waist, and pulled him in for a hug.
Returning it, Tao Hua embraced his shoulders, and tightly so. Though he was muffled from his face being smothered by Shan Si's warmth, he still continued.
"You could throw me at a wall, call me as lonely and delusional as you want, even drag me into a forest and throw dirt in my face, and I'd still blindly follow you," Tao Hua said, his nails digging into the back of the outer robe, and his head tilted into Shan Si's neck. "I know what kind of person that makes me, and I get it. But I'm not sorry, Shan Si."
Eyes clamped, Shan Si squeezed Tao Hua, his fingers messing up the ribbon and black strands of hair.
"It's been that way since I met you, and I refuse to change it. It doesn't matter what anyone says about you, I'll form my own opinion," Tao Hua asserted, inching his own body closer. "If you're to descend the steps of hell, then I'll follow…so stop leaving me behind. Please."
"I'm so sorry."
"Thank you…" Tao Hua shook his head. "What you should have said was 'Thank you.'"
"Look how much you've grown." Shan Si couldn't help but laugh, even if it was weak and bitter. However, every inch of him became serious the moment he vowed himself to the other.
"I swear I'll do everything in my power so that you don't have to descend those steps."
Chapter end.
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