Shan Si's words had left Tao Hua in a daze of confusion. Through the silence that spared them time at that gate, he just stared up at him, unsure what to make of his words.
"What do you mean…?" he asked, unsure why or if he even cared to find out. To his question, Shan Si's expression remained a blank slate, offering him not even a sliver of an answer. Tao Hua just prompted him more, his tone growing more frustrated with each word. "What don't I know, Shan Si?"
Really, he wanted to ask: why do you know so much about me and my family? But the little princess wasn't brave enough yet to board that ship. Not yet.
Squinting, Shan Si idled their time, scrutinizing Tao Hua. He pressed his hand against the hilt of his shoulder, tapping his fingers a few times. But Tao Hua just kept pushing, asking, "What am I supposed to know about my name…?"
It was another stretch of silence. This time, it wasn't awkward, nor was it refreshing. It felt like each second ticked by like minutes the longer Shan Si made Tao Hua wait.
He wasn't sure what it was exactly that possessed him so—he'd spent his entire life unknowing and uncaring about these details. From his grandfather's refusal to address the Tao name, to the tension that always loomed around the two making it difficult to approach, and then to Tao Hua's avoidance of his father, it never really felt important.
In fact, any time the name came up in conversation, his grandfather had always distracted Tao Hua, and now he was only coming to realize the importance of those actions.
As if leaving this estate was opening a box he'd hidden in plain sight, pretending it never existed.
And all in the face of a man who was domineering, supposedly well-connected, and intelligent as the one who stood before him. One with a desire to collect what his father had been claiming to be a hobby for years, while going head-to-head with him.
The only one willing to, that is. So, he couldn't help but think, Was this partnership between the two strategic or stupid? One look at his sleeve, and the sudden urge to walk that fine line grew.
It was stupid.
"Please…" Tao Hua begged softly.
Finally, Shan Si reacted. He leaned inward and closer to Tao Hua, causing Tao Hua to stumble backward with each step foward. Levelling with him, peach to pale, he asked, "Are you sure?"
"What do you mean…?"
"Are you sure you're ready for that information?"
"…" Tao Hua stared at him, meeting his gaze resolutely. Though he wasn't sure, he tried to measure up to Shan Si and act like someone who did.
So he nodded. That nod was a piss-poor attempt at trying to look half as commanding as Shan Si, and it didn't help that he nearly sunk into his shoulders while trying.
He absolutely, one hundred percent, without a doubt, was unsure. Did Tao Hua even care? Was he scared? Was he doing this to gain something?
But in the oddest sense, Tao Hua's uncertainty seemed to amuse Shan Si, prompting an actual reaction of satisfaction. The first genuine one all night in a sea of emotions as sporadic as the events that took place.
The corners of Shan Si's mouth flipped up, and both smug and slightly coy, he turned his head a smidgen as if to say, "Speak louder."
Tao Hua furrowed his brows, but even that didn't stop the pang in his chest from beating violently. Locking his jaw, he replied, "Yes. I want to know."
"Hm…I don't know. Do you even know the weight of what you're asking?"
Did he? Tao Hua wasn't sure, and that was apparent in the way his eyes sporadically moved from one side of Shan Si's expression to the other. He was utterly pleased, which was practically whiplash from his earlier anger, and it made Tao Hua question himself more than he had before.
There was nothing pleasing about this conversation, at all.
Tao Hua shrunk back a bit more, leaning away from the heat exchanged between the pair. Lifting his hand, he placed it on his chest and nodded. But of course, Shan Si wanted words, so Tao Hua quietly said, "Yes."
"The thing is…if I tell you, then you face the consequences of knowing," said Shan Si, tilting his head a bit. "Consequences aren't always kind, you know. So, I'll repeat myself: are you sure?"
With determination, though paired with clear uncertainty, Tao Hua clumsily nodded once more. "I...I want to know!"
He still wasn't sure if he wanted to know.
A part of him wanted to remain as small as he had all his life. Still oblivious and stuck between two pages of a book, but knowing was like an aphrodisiac potent enough to dominate his mind.
And this one stood a head taller than him.
"…Hm." Letting out a breathless laugh, Shan Si's lids lowered, and lightly he shook his head. Straightening his shoulders, he shook them out, turning away from Tao Hua. "Nah. I don't think I'll tell you."
Tao Hua's expression felt like the feeling of glass shattering. He wasn't devastated, just shocked and disoriented from Shan Si's response. He looked up at him, completely bewildered at this man's contradiction.
Don't waste his time, but it was fine stringing someone along only to waste theirs.
But it was clear Shan Si didn't care about Tao Hua's reaction; he had just glanced up at the sky, watching as each star shifted in colour. They really did look beautiful that night, with how they twinkled against the black veil.
"Not now, at least," he said as he let out a light breath. "Maybe when you're ready."
"Ah—then why offer?!" Tao Hua blurted out, taking a step forward only to raise his hands and slap them against his mouth. For some reason, he thought it reasonable to argue with the very person who fucking kidnapped him.
Now, Tao Hua was well read, but he severely lacked common sense in many avenues. Such was the life of an isolated inept.
To his surprise, however, Shan Si just tilted his head, looking at Tao Hua over his shoulder. The smug smile returned as he said, "It's fun. You're the type of man men flock to."
Tao Hua's eyes widened, and his cheeks nearly burnt with how scalding they became. He didn't know how to respond to this—it was probably the most unexpected response he'd received all night.
Even if he were wrong.
But it was still weird; something about this version of the man eased Tao Hua, and his hands loosened, yet remained on his mouth. Though he was a flustered mess, he still tried to keep his composure as best he could.
Looking down, he thought, He's acting like he did earlier in a Land Lost in Time.
Somehow, that just raised the anxiety—how much longer did he have of this before Shan Si switched it off? Even so, he had to stop his mouth from curving.
Tao Hua was truly a man lost to his own desires, and he'd soon regret it as the night ticked by.
So, he shook his head and removed his now damp hands from his mouth. He swayed a bit before saying, "Soooo...that means you'll tell me, right?"
"Sure," Shan Si answered. He lowered his head, moving aside and clearing the gate for Tao Hua. "If you're good. Retrieve the information I need, and I'll serve you what you need on a silver platter. My vows are absolute, good or bad."
Always at a cost.
Pressing his lips together, nearly sucking them in, Tao Hua first glanced back at the estate. It was restrained, presumably due to none of the servants or his father being able to get through Shan Si's mess.
Sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, he slowly turned his head back and nodded.
Maybe it wasn't the worst cost, though.
"Deal."
"It's not like you have a choice." Shan Si laughed, making it sound as if his words were wrapped in irony. He nudged his head toward the gate and said, "Stop wasting time. Let's get going."
The problem was, Tao Hua wasn't sure if Shan Si was playing the role of a merchant or a con man, but he bought the act all the same. At least, not without reason.
It was clear he knew a thing or two about his father, and that information might explain something of why Shan Si was so adamant on Tao Hua over his father.
It wasn't the most ethical reason—but Tao Hua really hadn't any other reason to care. All else was in the past, written away and already mourned.
This grief, however, was still fresh. An obsessive and delusional freshness he needed an answer to, even if the results were nothing more than forlorn fantasy clad in black and gold depravity.
And so, Tao Hua was fine being a victim to any and all games this man played, with no experience in the art of strategy whatsoever. At least he could say the same about Shan Si and his decisions.
To take him over anyone else was possibly the worst move a general playing a game of weiqi could ever make. Choosing his weakest pawn to go against a world of swordsmen.
But Tao Hua would also be lying if he didn't want Shan Si's reason to be genuine and heartfelt, paving the way for him to excuse his earlier hostility. He wanted to find some inkling of the man that existed from The Bookstore, even if it cost him his dignity.
If that were the case, then he wouldn't mind being a pawn in this man's game. Lowering his lids, he took a step forward and past Shan Si.
Of course, he'd most likely regret this decision. That was already taking effect.
Through the gate he'd go, awkwardly exchanging Shan Si's haughty smile with a weaker one--truly a poor attempt at smiling. And so, the two embarked down the path that would lead them toward Siyue Town.
Glancing back at the Tao Estate, he took in all of its extravagant glory. The gate he'd pass through daily, for most of his life, to the curved roofs he'd stare up at for minutes before plunging back into the estate after a day spent in a Land Lost in Time.
He took it all in with one long breath before turning his head away and toward the silent path ahead, shrouded in the shadows of trees, gently swaying against the moonlit glow.
That would be the last he'd ever see of the Tao Estate.
And when it finally vanished, and the two were engulfed in the nightly darkness, many questions would surge in his mind. Questions he'd been avoiding for most of his life.
Each of those questions could be singled out and summarized into a single thought.
How much did he really know about the world and the things closest to him…?
With a look up at the man who strolled next to him, he realized the answer rather quickly.
Chapter end.