I saw that my sister opened her mouth but she didn't say anything. She immediately closed her mouth, her jaw tightening as if she were swallowing back a surge of sudden, bitter anger. I assumed that She didn't want to wake Emily, but the fury building inside her needed an outlet.
Slowly, carefully, she pulled away from her daughter's bedside, making sure not to disturb the sleeping child. She crawled across the mattress to the opposite corner of the bed, putting a safe distance between herself and Emily, before sliding down to the foot of the bed. She positioned herself at the edge closest to where I was, closing the gap between us.
She pulled her knees up slightly, sitting rigidly on the mattress right in front of me. She stared straight into my eyes, her face locked in a hard glare, burning with a quiet, furious tension that made my breath catch in my throat. When she finally opened her mouth again, her voice wasn't loud, but it hummed with a biting edge.
"So, Iris..." she began, her words dripping with a cold, mocking disbelief. "What are you even trying to say? You're asking about my 'true self'? How utterly silly of you."
She let out a sharp, dismissive breath, shaking her head. "According to you, I was just twelve or thirteen years old, and I supposedly did something terrible, betrayed our mother, or said awful things. But you know what? I don't remember any of it. I don't remember what you're talking about, and frankly, I don't want to linger on past events. I don't care about any of that. I'm not like you, constantly waking up in the wreckage of yesterday."
She paused, narrowing her eyes as a bitter smile touched her lips, shifting her tone with a calculated sting. "And as for the reason that I told you back then about having to pretend... well, you just mentioned it now, so tell me Iris, what did I teach you back then? Even now, you still don't get it, do you? That's why you're still sitting here in the dead of night, wasting our sleeping hours on these ridiculous, childish questions."
She glared at me. Her voice was not loud but it sent a cold chill straight down my spine. Every word felt like a sharp blade cutting through my flesh and chilling me to the bone, like a frightening reminder. "You are so boring, Iris. Really, that's part of why I've always hated this about you, your endless, boring curiosity. You're always so brutally honest about everything, always saying whatever pops into your head, and you're so painfully slow to grasp how the world works. You're slower than the average person. How can you look at me and ask something so absurd?"
She leaned forward. "You should understand by now that the world isn't some fairy tale. It's not simple. It's cruel, Iris. It's utterly ruthless, and you have to pretend, you have to wear a mask, just to survive in it. That is the fundamental law of this world. If you still don't get it after all this time, you're never going to survive on your own."
A hot spark of defiance flared up inside me, burning away the fear. I lifted my chin, meeting her gaze head-on.
"No, Sister, you're wrong," I said. I tried to keep my voice steady even though I could feel that my hands were trembling. "I know pretty well that this world is not a fairy tale sister, this is reality, and I am fully aware of it. I know that I should change myself, and you know what? I have been trying my best to change and adapt. But I know that we don't have to pretend everything just to survive. Maybe there are times when caution is needed, but I don't want to do those things. I don't want to butter up an enemy, or someone I truly dislike. I don't want to say nice things to a person when I don't actually mean it from the bottom of my heart."
I paused, letting my words sink into the heavy air between us. "I know that maybe this is your way of surviving, and maybe in some twisted way you think you're right, but I don't agree with your opinion. I have a completely different view. Even when I was naive, even when I didn't understand your games or the depths of your deception, I have made it this far. And I think I am going to keep making it. I will survive without relying on pretension, lies, or cheap tricks. That is my motto. I refuse to believe that I have to lose my soul just to stay alive."
A cold, mocking laugh slipped past her lips—a dry, ugly sound that cut through the dark room.
"Oh, Iris... you are still so hopelessly boring, so silly, and so childish," she sneered, leaning back against the headboard. "You'll learn. Eventually, reality will beat it into you."
She crossed her arms, her expression hardening into absolute apathy. "As for your grand question—what is my true self? Well, if you really want to know the truth, this is who I am. I like to pretend. I like to play the game in order to get what I want and secure my safety. That calculation, that performance that is my true self. If you don't get it, then don't bother trying to understand me. It's not like I owe you an explanation, and I certainly have no duty to make things easy for you."
She waved a hand dismissively. "Think whatever you want about me. Believe whatever lies or truths help you sleep at night. I don't care about your opinion, and I don't care about anyone else's, either. I am going to do whatever I want. I'll butter up whoever I need to, I'll play every side against the middle, and I'll live the exact way I choose to live. So don't try to meddle in my affairs, Iris."
She turned her face away slightly, her tone turning cold and final. "I don't care to remember past memories. I'm not like you, stuck in yesterday, constantly weeping over old ghosts. I always like to protect myself. If I make a mistake or step on someone's toes, I'll just shift the blame to someone else so I can live in peace. That's how winners survive."