"Should I wander the world even if everything I carry my body with fades away? Leave me be, doctor; flowers must bloom, weeds are to be mown."
***
As Gece Sefa Özge Hospital stretched between the city's tall buildings, the severe cold was tossing everything around from place to place. People, too, were being tossed from here to there. In the night hours when birds were asleep and everyone was resting, at a taxi stand further down from this structure, drivers stood ready at any moment to work for their bread, moving back and forth to their vehicles.
As they were conversing like this, a clap of thunder stole the senses of the eldest among them. The color of the sky had changed; those inside thought the veil of night would collapse upon them. Some of those living in the high-rise buildings shut their windows immediately. Those on the lower floors had closed theirs hours ago. Only some were heading out.
This is not a depression, the flowers in the vase were saying; this is a hustle for life.
As the rain lashed against the door of the psychiatry clinic, the night grew darker. Rattling sounds were heard from the window in Bulut's room. Since the medications he had been using lately caused sleep issues, his sleep would scatter instantly at night.
As the noise of the droplets hitting the glass caused his eyes to drift open, he dangled his legs and slipped his bare feet into the black slippers right by the side. In a few wide strides, he took a breath by the window; he wanted more than just that sound. Pulling the cord of the curtain, he allowed the image to leak inside slowly.
He loved the rain, but he hated thunder.
Bringing both hands to his ears, he covered them as if he did not want to hear. He had even forgotten the prayer he said before sleep now.
Touching his hand to the glass, he wanted to draw something on the misted pane. However, he abandoned this act, fearing the glass would get dirty immediately. Moreover, he was saying, "What is there for me to draw anyway?"
Suddenly he grew excited; he wanted to go outside.
He knew they wouldn't allow him to go out at this hour. If he said his heart was heavy and his breath was tightening—a known symptom of his illness—they might allow him to go out for a few minutes.
He headed toward the door with slow and careful steps. As soon as he cracked the door open, he noticed the lights in the corridor had dimmed. A nurse sat in the glass section, watching the hallway.
When Bulut reached the nurse, preparing himself for his role, the woman—realizing he had come from the sound of his footsteps—fixed her eyes on him immediately. She was wishing for there to be no problem, and her desire was to spend this night with ease. "You know you should be sleeping at this hour, Bulut."
Bulut nodded his head with feigned difficulty and said, "My breath is tightening, I don't feel well." The woman stood up immediately, took her tea from its place, and set it on the table.
When he snapped back a "yes" to the nurse asking, "Had you taken your medications?", the woman didn't quite know what to do. "Getting some air might do you good, what do you say?"
With the joy of having obtained what he wanted, Bulut moved toward the door accompanied by the nurse's steps. Today, he wanted to get wet in the rain.
"You're not hungry or thirsty, are you?"
Bulut quickly brushed it off, saying he was neither. The woman knew that insisting on anything was pointless because there was no one in the hospital who didn't know Bulut's stubbornness.
"But it's raining, put something on!"
"No, I'm fine; I'm already suffocating," he said quickly.
When they arrived in front of the door and the grass of the garden came into view, the woman turned to him. She asked once more if he was okay.
"Can I go out?"
When the woman approved and signaled that he could go, he smiled contentedly, but then he saw that the nurse was accompanying him with her steps.
He wasn't expecting this.
"Would it be a problem if I stayed alone?" he asked, not compromising his "ill" state.
The woman actually couldn't decide this on her own, but frankly, she didn't want to talk to anyone or disturb her comfort right now. Thinking he would return immediately and it wouldn't be a problem for a few minutes, she approved this too.
As Bulut stepped out the door, leaving the glass behind, rain was falling on his arms left bare by his t-shirt and on his entire body. God, who turned the poison of the city into a blessing, was making it rain so beautifully. Yet he felt peace in this; he was thinking, walking with his eyes closed. For a moment he opened his eyes, but all he looked at was what was in front of him; he saw how the grass had become soaked.
In fact, if he raised his head just a little more, he would see the sky too, and the poplars beside him.
***
Bulut
Finally, I was swept away to where my steps led me. The fact that the nurse had stopped coming with me and the joy of having left the hospital had made me feel a sense of relief inside. Yes, I had gone out, but this was not a sign of freedom for me. I felt more like I was going to the guillotine, but not because it was bad. If I saw a sign this very minute that I would die tomorrow, I could cut a cake for the first time for the day I was born.
My eyes must have closed involuntarily again, for they snapped open with a start as I bumped into something. This was a human body; I had understood this even without looking, but I suddenly fixed my irises upon the thing before me.
I had bumped into someone in the dark.
End of Chapter