Cold sweat broke across my skin.
I knew Silius was taking a risk by choosing me as his personal bodyguard. I just hadn't realized how far it went.
"Then I need to be ready for the exhibition fights," I said, sharper than I meant to. "If I show them what I can do, they'll stop doubting."
"It's not just about doubts," Andrew said. "That trip is dangerous. Not just for Clyde. For you too."
"You haven't forgotten who your father is, have you?"
My stomach tightened.
"You think he'd try something there?"
"I'm sure of it," Andrew said. "You'll be with Clyde the whole time. He already put himself in a bad position by backing you publicly. There's a real chance they'll try to get rid of both of you."
"Then Clyde shouldn't go."
"You're doing it again," Andrew snapped. "Thinking about everyone but yourself. I just told you. You're a target too."
"I've got you, don't I?" I said, forcing a faint smile.
He froze.
Just for a second.
"Clyde can't skip it," he said at last. "He's your employer. He has to be there."
"That idiot doesn't understand how serious this is," Andrew went on, irritation cutting through his voice. "I've been trying for a month to keep both of you out of this, and he just keeps getting in my way."
"You're worried about Clyde?" I asked.
"Don't get the wrong idea," he muttered. "I still don't like him. But… he risked a lot to save you. I'm not blind to that."
I couldn't stop the small smile that slipped out.
It mattered.
Even if it wasn't what I wanted it to mean.
A little self-deception didn't hurt.
Right?
"Thanks, Andrew. For always being there," I said quietly. "I'm glad it was you who pulled me out of the Holivan estate."
"…Yeah," he said, distracted, looking away.
I wanted to reach out.
Touch him.
Just his hand.
The urge was sharp enough to make my fingers tingle.
Dangerous.
I needed to leave.
Now.
"Alright. I'll go find Taisha. She said she'd show me something new."
"See you."
"Wait."
I stopped at the door.
"Alan… there's something I've wanted to ask you for a while."
"…Yeah?"
"You remember that field mission. When I killed Paul."
Heat rushed up my neck instantly.
My pulse spiked.
Of course.
Of course it was this.
I'd been waiting for it.
Dreading it.
"Andrew…" I started.
"No, wait," he said, stepping closer. "Let me finish."
"That time… you kissed me."
For the first time, I saw him hesitate.
Embarrassment cracked through his usual composure.
My heart slammed against my ribs.
Don't.
Don't do this.
Don't hope.
"I'm sorry about that," I said quickly. "I didn't—"
"I didn't ask for an apology," he cut in, his expression hardening again. "I just want to know something."
"What?"
"Back then… were you out of your mind? Panicking? Not understanding what you were doing?"
Something inside me dropped.
Hard.
Every fragile, stupid hope shattered.
A quiet, bitter laugh slipped out.
I lifted my head and met his gaze.
No point holding back anymore.
"What if I told you I knew exactly what I was doing?" I said. "That I wasn't out of my mind. That I just gave in to it."
"I don't understand."
"Of course you don't," I snapped, my voice rising. "You never will."
"I like you, Andrew."
The words tore out of me.
"I have for a long time. Since I lived with you."
"And I can't change that. I've tried. I can't."
"If you want to hate me for it, fine."
"But I don't control it."
Everything I'd been holding down for months broke loose.
Raw.
Messy.
Real.
"But I swear to you," I said, forcing the words out, my voice shaking, "I won't cross that line again."
"If you can forget it… and treat me like before… I'd be grateful."
"And if you can't…"
My voice dropped.
"I won't force you to stay near someone you find disgusting."
"So… you like men?" he asked.
"Yes. Obviously."
"And before… before all this… did you have anyone?"
"No."
I swallowed hard.
"You were the first person I chose to kiss."
"And that day…"
My body tensed.
My breath caught.
"That was my first time too."
"And after everything that was done to you… you still like me?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I snapped, anger flaring again. "What do feelings have to do with what happened to me?"
"Yes. I like you."
"But I already told you. I won't make this a problem. Just forget it. Please."
"…What if I asked you to do it again?"
My breath hitched.
"What?"
"That time… I thought it was just stress," he said slowly. "But it didn't feel wrong."
"I wasn't disgusted."
"I don't hate you."
"I just… got curious."
"I tried imagining other men in your place."
His jaw tightened.
"It didn't work."
"But when I think about you…"
He hesitated.
"I don't understand it."
"I just want to know."
"…Forget it."
"So you want to see if kissing a guy disgusts you?" I asked.
"That's not it," he said quietly.
His gaze dropped to my lips.
"I want to know what I'd feel… kissing you."
A shiver ran through me.
Sharp.
Electric.
I stepped closer.
"Then let's find out," I said.
My voice was steady.
Everything else wasn't.
"You sure?"
"Yes."
He hesitated.
Just for a second.
Then closed the distance.
His hand came up to my neck.
Careful.
Uncertain.
His fingers slid into my hair.
Warm.
Real.
I swallowed.
My breath uneven.
Then I closed my eyes.
The first touch was light.
Barely there.
At the corner of my lips.
It still hit like a shock.
My whole body reacted instantly.
Then his lips pressed fully against mine.
I parted mine without thinking.
My hand found his shoulder, gripping tight.
At first it was hesitant.
Careful.
Testing.
Then deeper.
I leaned into him.
He didn't pull away.
His grip tightened.
His hand slid down my back, pulling me closer.
The kiss deepened.
His tongue brushed mine, and something inside me gave way.
A quiet sound slipped out before I could stop it.
I hadn't expected this.
Not again.
Not after everything.
But his hands were everywhere.
My back. My neck. My hair.
Holding me there.
Grounding me.
Overwhelming me.
Real.
I wanted more.
Didn't want it to end.
But my lungs burned.
My chest tightened.
I needed air.
The phone rang.
I pulled back sharply, breathing hard, grabbing it before I could even look at him.
"Sorry, I need to take this," I said quickly.
"Who is it?" His voice was rough.
"Silius."
I glanced up and froze.
His eyes were dark.
No hesitation.
No doubt.
No disgust.
Just desire.
My pulse roared in my ears.
Too loud.
Too fast.
I barely registered Clyde's voice.
"Sorry—what?" I said, realizing I hadn't heard a word.
"I asked if you talked to Torent yet."
"No. I'll do it tonight."
"I need it done before dinner."
I pulled the phone away and checked the time.
"I'll try."
"No. Do it now."
The line went dead.
"Sorry. I have to go," I said, already turning toward the door.
"Alan."
I froze.
Didn't turn around.
"Yeah?"
"That was… different," he said.
"Strange."
"New."
"I don't think I could do that with just anyone."
I closed my eyes for a second.
"But with you…"
He paused.
"It's not like that."
"I don't understand it yet."
"But… give me time."
"I'll accept anything," I said quietly.
"As long as you don't leave."
And before I lost what little control I had left, I walked out.