ANYA had a huge crush on Lash's friend, Damien. She kept on telling me how handsome Damien for her. I always say that Damien doesn't seem nice, and it always annoys her.
I laughed. "I don't know anything about love, Anya. You should not ask me on how to first move on him."
She shrugged. "You're boring, Art. You're pretty and smart. I think it's better if you're not here in the orphanage."
"Huh?" I asked.
"I mean... You could bloom more outside," she said.
I shook my head. "I love it here."
"Yeah, but you can get out of here when you're eighteen, legal age. You can take the path you wanted to be."
I stared at her face. "B-But why is Lash still here?"
She glanced at me. "Why? You know he's in legal age? How?!"
She poked the side of my stomach. "Do you guys talk a lot?!"
"Huh?! No!" I denied. "That was just a short talk!"
"When?!" she asked, interested.
"Last week..."
"Oh!" She chuckled. "Well, yeah, he's so handsome! But I think I can't pull him so yeah, I'll just stick with Damien," she added dreamily.
"Oh, please..." I stood and left her alone. We're at the dining area and she was watching Damien arrange the tables and chairs.
I saw Lash eating his lunch. He glanced at me as I stood up. Smile was plastered on his face.
I ignored it. I don't have any plans on being friends with him. His smile slowly faded.
A year have passed and our interactions have stopped. It seemed like we're just strangers. We are, though. He kept on smiling at me when our eyes met, but I refused to give him one.
I feel like... were not meant to be anything at all. It's better for us to feel like we're strangers.
His birthday came. And I forced myself to celebrate with them. I saw how all the other people give him birthday presents and letters.
Anya tapped my thigh. "No letters or anything?"
I shrugged. "Yeah."
"Why?"
I rolled my eyes. "I just don't want to. We're not that close to even give him a gift."
She shook her head in disagreement. I ignored her reaction and excused myself.
She's right, anyway. Why would I not give him at least a letter?
My eyes heated. Oh, my God! I feel suddenly guilty! Why am I hating on him for no reason? He's a nice guy! I don't know what's wrong with me! We barely had any serious interaction from the past year, and yet, I'm thinking of him every night!
And now I'm feeling guilty!
I tried to find a pen and a paper in my bed side table. I started writing something.
"Dear Lash..." I started.
I grasp for any word to write, but I couldn't!
I groaned.
The laughter downstairs intensified. Seemed like everyone was having fun. My eyes roamed around our room.
In one huge room, five of us share here. All orphans are downstairs, enjoying, celebrating the kindest man in this place's birthday.
And here I am. A no one! Trying to isolate herself just because... Just because she hates how that man intimidates her!
I went out to the garden, with my pen and paper in my hands. I sat at the thick bermuda grass.
Moon is bright, breeze is fresh and kind, not hurting any part of my skin. Night is silent but laughter echoed still.
Why am I trying to be distant to him?
The laughter roared more.
A tear fell from my eye. I'm so confused and frustrated. Why am I being difficult?
My heart ached. It was beating harshly against my chest that it physical pained me.
"Art..." a cold, baritone voice disrupted the calmness of the night.
I gasped. I stood up and saw Lash's sorrowful grey eyes. I swear he has angelic eyes, but this time, due to the dim lighting, it went dark and mysterious.
There was a plate of mocha cake on his left hand. He's not wearing his spectacles now, making me have a better view of his breathtaking eyes.
He was standing far from the back door. He closed it, that's why the laughter from people suddenly went off.
"I brought you a slice of cake... I noticed you didn't eat much earlier," he offered and stepped closer.
I licked my lips. The breeze blew more, exploding my long wavy brown hair.
I stared at the cake. Not because I was hungry or something, but I cannot look at his eyes directly.
I thought my heart was already beating harsh, but it even jumped this time, as if trying to escape my ribcage.
He was a meter away when he stopped. "Do you... like this?" He looked at the cake, I looked up at him.
He seemed to be shy at his offer. That hurt my heart. Am I giving him doubts? To himself?
This innocent man... Am I hurting him for being this mean? But, why? Is he like this to all people?
My fist clenched. The paper crumpled.
I looked at his soft looking lips. "Why are you here?" I asked, voice hoarse.
His face lit. A small smile crept on his face.
"Tomorrow's your birthday, right? We're one day apart..." He tried to stiffle a wider smile.
I nodded.
"It's nearly twelve o'clock midnight, I went here to..."
I shook my head. "No."
I'm confused. I don't have any assumption about what I feel. I don't have any idea. I cannot put this in conclusion.
What if I just...
I stepped closer to him. He looked shock at my sudden move.
I stopped centimeters away. I looked up at him and held on his nape.
His eyes widened a fraction. I reached for his lips and it immediately made my heart throb.
I didn't know what to do, I just pressed my lips on his.
His right hand found my waist. But before I could react on it, he gently pushed me away from him.
He looked at me with great shock.
"Artemis!" he called, voice filled with question.
My hands trembled. I knew it. He didn't feel anything for me. Anya was just saying silly things. I should have not listened to her!
I remained looking at the ground. My face heated so bad, my heart ached a lot. My tears fell on the grasses and I stiffle a cry.
"I don't want your cake," I said and ran back inside. The laughter lessened this time, I didn't even bother to check the dining area.
I cried silently the whole night. I just made the situation worse! I must have lost my mind! Oh, my God!
That left me really lifeless and weak for some reason. And guess, I haven't seen him the whole week.
Is he mad at me? I don't know. Maybe? Is he avoiding me? Well, that's for sure.
I will never try to strike a move on him again.
Anya was so shocked when I told her what happened, a month later.
"Well, maybe, he didn't want someone younger than him?"
I nodded. I accept that. I don't think I like him, though. I just think I got influenced at what Anya taught me to do.
"Or maybe, he's planning to leave the orphanage? And he doesn't want you to fall for him?" she added.
That made me stop a bit. "You t-think so?"
She nodded. "Well that's for sure now!"
I bit the insides of my cheeks. "What do you think will be the difference outside the orphanage?"
"Surely, more freedom! More opportunities!"
I nodded again, defeated. Well...
"I'd be happy for him," I said.
We were sitting on the staircase as we talk, trying to crochet anything we think of. Suddenly, a tall man entered the main door.
I closed my eyes and looked at my hands instead. It's my first time seeing him for one month.
"He didn't show up at your birthday celebration, right? I didn't notice that..." Anya concluded.
"It's fine. I was not expecting him to be there, though."
That day ended peaceful but excruciating for me. I had to avoid him the whole day since Miss Donna asked me to cut grasses again in the garden, and thankfully, we didn't meet there.
Damien and Anya became more closer, and because of that, most of the time I'm alone.
One night, I was at the backyard, doing my crochet when I heard Miss Claudia talking to someone.
"What's stoping you from leaving orphanage, dear? I know you wanted to go to college..."
"I'm contented here, Miss Claudia," Lash's voice. "I have nowhere to go outside. And I've been receiving mails these days-"
It made me stop.
"Dear, you can just visit here, your friends here. I know you wanted to go to school, perhaps explore. And besides, I know, Artemis and others will leave, and find their dreams-"
I stopped eves dropping, instead, I gently opened the back door to go back inside. I saw them standing near the door, shocked at my presence.
I smiled at Miss Claudia and excused myself.
"I'm sorry for staying up late, Miss Claudia, I took a nap this afternoon. I'll go upstairs now..." I didn't even throw Lash a glance.
My heart can't afford any more rapid beatings.
I signed.
I should find a new hobby and stop thinking about that grown man.