1. I sometimes think that: what if I don't get better? What if I remain like this? What if my nerve system doesn't clock back, and it's always hard to breathe when I eat? What if I keep living like this? I'm worried that four/three/five nights of not doing what was necessary could ruin my chances of becoming who I need to be.
* What if no doctor ever understands what's happening due to my inability to explain situations?
* I'm worried that I'm going to live like this, and I'm scared. I'm so flipping scared of what's to come. I keep wondering:
1. Why didn't I get up for four/three/five nights in a row
2. What is wrong with me?
3. What kind of sleep was I in that I was unable to get up in the middle of the night and actually use it?
4. What's wrong with me?
2. I think that Sean may like me. But how is that possible? When I'm built like this? Like, look at me. There's nothing to like. My face is practically crawling with pimples, and my teeth are the same colour as the yellow streaks on my brush. My personality is trash cuz I'm like two-faced. More like five-faced to be honest. And the only thing that was - see how I say was? - Good about me was my shape but now I look like an overstuffed box because of not doing the necessary for F ing four/three/five nights in a row.
3. Sean might like me. But I like Joel. Or I think I do at least. The truth is: I'm not sure anymore. I don't like him anymore. I think why I feel the way I do is because I used to like him like crazy, and I think it stuck. The aftermath, you know. I don't think I like him, but I act as if I do. I deceive my peers - see where one of my faces comes from? Deciet. - into thinking I like Joel. I keep acting like I like him to keep up with my charade, and I'm sick of it! I keep acting, and now I can't stop. I've gone too far. I yap about him when he's not around, to my friends, to random teachers, to keep up with the make-believe. AND I"M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!
4. I think I made Sean shut himself off. I'm close with Sean. He's seen three of my faces and for some reason - for some damn forsaken reason - he still talks to me without judgment - I think - in his eyes. He might just be hiding it, though. He might be a natural actor like I am, and do stuff naturally without thinking. Like hiding his disdain for me and making me think we're friends-- WAIT!! Is this paranoia? idk.
5. I think I HURT Sean because when we were at science and our teacher, Miss Alyana, being unwell (Unwell seems like an underestimate of how she actually is), and with it being Eid and many people being off. The class had to split up; some went to another science group while others went to another. SOO while this random teach was splitting us up, my eyes caught Sean's, and he smiled - HE FUCKING SMILED!! - giving me one of those rare smiles he gives people. (Lemme just clarify right, this guy's referred to as "nonchalant" like he's stone-faced and his face stays emotionless. - But I can read him LIKE A F ING BOOK. Sometimes. Well, I think I can... - moral of the story, he rarely shows emotion.) And after he gave me that smile, guess what I did? Instead of me looking and smiling at him back like a normal human being, my TRECHOUROUS EYES F ING LOOKED AT JOELLL!!! WHILE HIS EYES WERE ON MEEEE!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I looked at Joel for 0.2 seconds, okay, 0.2 seconds. Like I literally just glanced up at him, and then after my eyes were done with their explorations, they returned to Sean's face. AND BOY!! I've never regretted my life choices so badly. Just the look on his face was enough to make me want to dig a hole and jump into it. Like his once in a million year smile was gone, no trace that a smile had ever cracked the surface of that stone face. And just like that, I lost the fragile smiling boy to the "nonchalant" Sean. But due to all my experience reading him, I could tell he was hurt and mad. And if he decides to leave me like everyone else, I wouldn't even mind. LIKE I COULDN'T EVEN SMILE AT HIM FOR A NANO SECOND. WTH IS WRONG WITH ME???!!! Like, imagine looking at your crush while ur potential crusher was smiling at you!!! I'M SUCH A B.I.T.C.H. (Which is another one of my face, btw.)
I tried saying "Hello Sean," to him as redemption, but bro didn't even look at me. This is what I like to call "Classic Ignorance".
Okay, so Blue, does this sound like I'm being 99.99999999999999999% delusional, or did it actually happen? Did I look through the whole encounter another way, or did it actually happen?
Anyways, that's all I have to say for today, it's currently 22:38, and I was supposed to be asleep by 21:30, so Imma go now, Blue. Thanks for listening to me rant about what happened today. I'll write ya later.
BYEEEEEE!!!!