I just really would love to find a place for myself in the world you know? Sometime or universe where I'm main girl energy.
Maybe an episode where ....
Oh trash that
I don't even live in the world to begin with 😂
> Dear Diaree,
I think I've always been… aware.
Not in the way people talk about it.
Just—aware of feelings. Of people. Of the way something small could sit inside me for too long and refuse to leave.
When I was younger, it showed up as little things.
Like how I noticed certain boys more than others.
The pretty ones. The ones who smiled easily, or laughed like they didn't have anything heavy sitting on their chest.
I didn't understand it then.
I just knew I liked looking at them.
Liked the way my chest felt tight and light at the same time.
I was somewhere between being a child and… something else I didn't have a name for yet.
And maybe I saw things I wasn't supposed to see too early.
Maybe I understood certain parts of the world before I was ready.
But I don't think that's an excuse.
It just… is.
Everything changed when I got into high school.
Not just any school.
A big one. The kind that felt like its own world.
Sydney.
Sometimes I still can't believe I ended up there.
Walking through those gates for the first time felt like stepping into a life that didn't fully belong to me yet.
Too many people.
Too many voices.
Too many versions of who I could become.
I remember holding onto myself in a way no one could see.
Because on the outside, I looked fine.
Just another girl starting over.
But inside…
I think that was when I started drifting.
Not away from people.
Just… somewhere else.
Somewhere quieter.
Somewhere that felt like mine.
My first day of high school felt like a movie.
Not the dramatic kind.
The soft kind… where everything just flows and you don't even realize you're smiling the whole time.
I went to school by myself.
No one holding my hand.
No one watching over me.
Just me.
And for the first time in my life, I felt… free.
Like I had finally stepped into a version of myself that wasn't being supervised.
I liked that feeling.
Maybe a little too much.
People noticed me.
Boys mostly.
"Hi."
"Hey."
"What's your name?"
Even older ones.
I didn't expect that.
But I didn't hate it either.
It felt like I had walked into a space and somehow… the space responded.
The boys in my class were the funniest.
They actually gathered around me at some point—
like I was something to be won.
Saying things, teasing, trying to impress me.
And I just stood there, pretending not to enjoy it as much as I did.
Because I did enjoy it.
The attention.
The thrill.
The feeling of being seen.
But that was as far as it went.
Because no matter how much I smiled,
no matter how much I played along…
I knew something they didn't.
I didn't want anything real.
Not like that.
I didn't want hands to hold.
I didn't want to be called someone's girlfriend.
I didn't want to belong to anyone in a way that could be touched or seen.
Everything I felt—
it lived in my head.
That's where it was safer.
Better.
Mine.
My first week was… nice.
Light. Easy.
Like I was trying on a new life just to see if it fit.
But it didn't take long for me to retreat again.
I started talking less.
Watching more.
People around me got louder.
Their conversations… messier.
Words thrown around like they didn't mean anything.
I understood them.
More than they probably realized.
But I didn't want to be part of it.
I didn't want to sit in a circle where everything was said out loud so carelessly.
So I stepped back.
Quietly.
No one really notices when you do it slowly.
And the funny thing is…
even while I was distancing myself from all of that—
I knew my thoughts weren't any cleaner.
Maybe even worse.
Just… hidden better.
And maybe that's when it started.
Not the silence.
I've always had that.
But the place I go to when the world gets too loud.
The place where everything feels quieter…
softer…
and a little too real for something that isn't supposed to exist.