The words that had been said have created a silence so gut curling, it made Yoonjae flinch. The stench of rice and kimchi swirled around his nose. He couldn't believe what he'd just done. Even despite that he said it loud and clear. It sliced through the air like a knife on melted butter. Sinful. Downright.
His chest closed and reopened at Andrei's stunned face. The man's brows had knit, a dark blonde and neat, his lips forming a questionable O.
Nothing in the world was quieter. Nothing else could make Yoonjae want to staple his two lips shut for even talking. Being taken care of was nice. It was tender, sweet. Electric. So why couldn't Yoonjae deal? A deafening silence. A silence uncanny to the world the small man had always known. Loud. His world never left erupting conversations and screaming children. This felt thick and deep, twisted.
Whatever they had.
It could've been ruined by just the CPS case. Yoonjae's inappropriate suggestions. Yoonjae's poor assumptions. His poor judgment.
Now, it feels like they'd started at square one.
His words might have sailed the ship he'd failed to build.
He wiped his eyes with a small sniffle, his nose sticky. His lashes batted. He couldn't look away from Andrei and he couldn't stop feeling. It was too visceral. The type of pain to stab you in the heart and wait till your blood drains slowly from your aching body.
The fear has put all the poetry Yoonjae read in fourth grade back into his tender soul. It ached for something more and something real. This? This was scary. Andrei was too handsome to be thrown a buck for another chum to come atta. Yoonjae wanted this. Whatever it was, he wanted it. He wanted to bathe in it, to feel it. Not to watch Andrei look away.
Not to watch him after trauma dumping and blaming him for things he can't control. Yoonjae picked at his finger nails.
His toes were pretty. He did manicures on himself and washed his body every day twice. He ate as healthy as he could for someone who's trying to lose weight. So it wasn't like Andrei was sitting on cold, wooden floors with the scent of toe fungus and dick cream floating up his nose.
It was good that Yoonjae knew how to handle himself, otherwise Andrei would be re-wrapping something poisonous. The man's lanky and strong fingers pressed into the pressures of every dance recital Yoonjae had gone to before making sure the brace was kept up in the right place.
He's a good man, Yoonjae. Apologize, Yoonjae. You stepped out of line, Yoonjae. You know better, Yoonjae. Don't be fucking stupid, Yoonjae.
Oh, goodness. His stomach hurt. Boiled into nothing but knot-crazy guilt. His tear ducts were dry. His phone was dry. His social life outside of literal toddlers included one single person. His cat Mimi. Mimi always ran away too. Goodness, no one could stand him. Andrei tolerated him enough to introduce him to part of the family and even come back for more after Yoonjae was kind of insensitive. This cannot be left grey. This cannot be left grey and Yoonjae won't let it chock up to something unbreakable.
He swallowed everything. Everything in his heart and watched Andrei stand up, brush his palms against his jeans, and settle beside Yoonjae.
The couch dipped and all Yoonjae could smell was...Andrei.
Something expensive and probably French.
Maybe Russian.
Maybe, most likely, European. And not the cheap shot Yoonjae spends three dollars on at the corner store where he gets looks from everyone.
Yoonjae peeled a long stripe of skin off of his finger. Didn't flinch when the musty air touched his fresh blood.
His throat bobbed and he licked his drying lips.
"I'm really sorry—"
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
Even God doesn't care for his apologies!
Yoonjae turned away. Andrei reached into his back pocket. The air only got heavier, like barbells around Yoonjae's neck.
He picked at his finger nails. Andrei made a couple sounds. He could hear the keys clicking and the grunt of something before the thump of Andrei's feet meeting the floor. He'd walked away, to some other area. Phone to his ear and everything. Yoonjae's lip quivered. He's alone now. And that's probably Arseni to disapprove of Yoonjae. Or Minie. Or one of Andrei's other friends with wild backstories.
They'd tell him no in Yoonjae.
Because Yoonjae isn't rich.
He isn't pretty.
And he isn't fit.
He has a dad bod with no kids and a broken ankle. Andrei didn't even think he could take care of himself. It was pathetic.
Yoonjae gulped. This was the end. And what was the point in saving—
"Do you want champagne? I have vodka. A lot of it. And tiny bottles of champagne. It's like a school day so I don't think you want to get drunk," Andrei laughed from afar.
Thought interrupted. The pink-haired boy flinched. He glanced up to see Andrei walking back. The phone was gone and only the big man was to come. Uh-oh.
"Uhm...n-no, I-I don't l-like alcohol that much..."
Andrei nodded, one big, clear bottle of a water-looking substance that would make Yoonjae overdose. "Okay. That's fine. I'll go get some from my apartment, hmm?" The older man smiled. He dropped the bottles gently on the glass table and settled beside Yoonjae once more. His skin was hot without the hoodie. Yeah, he was just in a green tank top now. Muscles and tattoos out. Three stars on his shoulders. Awe, must be a childhood thing.
It didn't stop Yoonjae from gulping until he had nothing left in his throat.
The other man lied back with the bottle between his fingers. He sighed and pushed it into his lips. The neck of the bottle. The sound of his throat working made Yoonjae flinch.
He frowned. "I-I don't want you to leave and then not come back like my exes. I'm really nervous about all of this..I didn't mean to yell at you. I like your care, I just...I just don't know if you like me for real or just want me to be one of your pretty sculptures or something stupid like pissing off your parents because you're Russian and gay.." Yoonjae said too much.
Too. Much.
Too much.
Too fucking much.
Yet, his eyes watered. He stared at Andrei while the man slowly retracted the bottle from his lips.
Andrei wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before huffing a laugh. "I told you that I did...and I just want something to drink. Your past really reminds me of something."
"What?"
"Arseni will kill himself if I say."
Yoonjae tilted his head, back to the couch. "Uhm...I won't-I won't tell anyone...and-and it's just me..I-I'm pretty...disposable."
"Don't say that about yourself. That's disgusting." Andrei eyed him.
"I-I'm sorry. I just...my opinion and like, presence isn't that important."
"It is to me. I like you, your energy, your body, the way you speak, the way you act, how sweet you are. I like that. I like you. Your opinion is important. More than important to me."
"You...were doing okay without me, hihi..."
"No, I was sculpting you for hours. I don't want to have talks or arguments like these if we date, Yoonjae. I don't. I want you to trust me. And know that when I say I like you for you, I'm saying that...because I like you for you." He pronounced every 'you' with a deeper voice, emphasizing it without even trying.
Yoonjae nodded along. "I-yeah, I-i understand now..." he flushed. "I-it...I k-know yo-you want to-to respect your brother and all...but-but it felt kind..of like you're mocking me...like..uhm, it's an inside joke or something. Something I don't know about."
"Yeah, because it's a bad thing. Arseni loses his mind over it."
"Over....what?"
Andrei sighed through his entire body. Moving up and down as he glared at Yoonjae. "You're lucky you're pretty. Arseni used to do drugs like crazy. He overdosed at eleven on paracetamol. When our dad found out, he beat the shit out of both of us, locked Arseni in a room for thirty-two days and then sent us both to that 'military' school."
Oh.
Yoonjae's eyes watered. He heard the story before. He lived through it. Watching his mother seize on the floor. The life he tried to forget. The things he runs from in his nightmares. He wasn't lost. He wasn't alone. It's worse to see it directly. It must've been horrifying.
Wait.
The pink-haired boy scooted closer on the leather. His ankle still hurt but his heart was too heavy to ignore. So was the silence settling between them as Andrei reached for another sip.
Yoonjae jumped on him before he could.
Well, he didn't actually jump. He couldn't afford doing that on a six thousand dollar couch.
He moved closer and closer until their arms touched and then pulled his legs under his thighs. He jumped up at Andrei. Pulled him by the neck. He could feel all of him pressing against him. All. It was strong and rough but the best thing Yoonjae had in the past three weeks.
The boy's eyes leaked while he let out a shallow breath. He dug his head in Andrei's shoulder and sniffled.
"It's okay, Andrei, don't cry."
A sharp laugh. Andrei's hands twitched before they found their way to Yoonjae's waist. He held as strong as he looked. He smiled into Yoonjae's hair. "Uhm...okay, Yoonjae."