I cannot catch my breath. My body is burning, and my muscles tremble with exhaustion. I am fighting the same faces once again. The opponents I have already defeated.
Today, three more souls joined the already vast circle of warriors.
I do not want to kill them. Every time I deliver a fatal blow, I see the silhouettes of their parents, their women, and their children hovering over their corpses, mourning their fallen family member with loud laments, wails, and grief.
When I look at my bloody, trembling hands, the corpses of these warriors rise and scream at me. They shout out what they wanted to achieve in life. What their purpose and the meaning of their existence were.
Akar, you murderer! You honorless dog!
That is the last thing the phantoms say to me. All my visions end the same way.
With my bare hands, I tear apart an endless number of women, one by one. Whenever I close my eyes, I hear their piercing screams, their shrieks, and their pleas for help. But help never comes. Always. Only. Me.
I tear myself from the dream, drenched in sweat and gasping for air. The same nightmare again. The same vision. And once again, the feeling of self-loathing.
Why is this happening to me?!
There is nothing I can do; I am left only to scream in my thoughts. I am not here by choice, after all. For as long as I can remember, I was raised here. I have been a slave since birth.
Do I have the right to live?
I always ask myself the same question.
But I can never honestly answer it.
I hear someone approach my door and turn the key in the lock. It is the same hulking guard who comes here every day.
Wordlessly, I stand up and immediately walk out of the cell. It always looks the same. Every third day, I fight in the arena. On the remaining days, I train either alone or with others. Today, the day of combat has arrived again.
I approach the main gates. In front of them stands the second of the massive men.
Looking at them like this, they seem almost identical.
As I get closer, the guard at the entrance shoves a plain wooden spear into my hand.
It is more of a sharpened stick than a spear. At least I will have good reach.
I now stand alone before the great metal gate. In my hand, I hold a two-meter spear. My heart is pounding like mad.
The same thing all over again.
Inhale. Exhale.
I have had enough of this...
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale.
The gate opens. I step out into the slightly dimmed arena.
Exhale.
I think they want to get rid of me.
Four warriors emerge from the opposite gate.
My fucking luck...
I notice two staying behind, drawing slings and loading stones. In the front walks one with an axe, the other with a sword. I sprint toward them. They sprint toward me.
I hear stones whistling past my head. I close in on the opponents. They are smarter; they attack together.
I dodge the sword. I catch the axe on the shaft of my spear. With the butt of my weapon, I strike the swordsman's knee.
Thud. I take a stone to the left shoulder. Swoosh. A second one flies right past my face. The cold steel of the sword slices my back as I parry an axe strike.
Fortunately, the wound is shallow. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a stone flying toward me. I will not be able to dodge it. My heart is pounding like crazy. I am suffocating from a lack of breath. I violently tilt my head to the right to cushion the blow. Crack.
My ears are ringing. My vision is blurred. I thrash blindly. Time and again, blades mercilessly cut and pierce my body. Frustration grows within me. I am afraid. I am furious. I barely manage to parry an axe slash, but it snaps my weapon in half.
I take another stone to the leg.
I have had enough...
A sword drives into my ribs and gets lodged there.
Let this finally end...
I am afraid of death.