"Here it is," Judy sneered. "Finally had enough of hiding? Finally willing to show your true self? Go on, no need to hide it; show the world."
"Alright, things are getting out of hand. Everybody needs to cool down," Evelyn interjected.
Zane placed both hands on his face and exhaled deeply. He then calmly gazed at Judy: "I meant every word when I apologized. I never intended to hurt you, but I also understand that intention doesn't matter given the impact my actions had. Once again, I'm truly sorry — I truly never meant to hurt you.
"But don't you for one second think you know me. It's been more than ten years. You don't know what I've been through; you don't know my pain; you don't know the things I've experienced. So don't act as if you do."
"You —"
"My words still stand: if you ever need something, you can come find me."
Zane turned to Evelyn, "Thank you for inviting me. As for everybody else, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances." Without wasting another second, he headed directly for the exit.
"What a shitty day," Zane thought as he walked out of the venue. "And with my luck, it might even rain — wait, the academy doesn't rain. I guess things could always be worse."
As he headed to his dorm, his mind could not stop rewinding that conversation. Judy had every right to be angry and call him out for his past behavior. But Zane felt she crossed a line when she compared him to Jamaal — he was nothing like this man. Just as Zane was confident in this statement, he remembered something his father said the last time they spoke: "That's your problem since you were a child; you're inflexible, always limiting your actions within the constraints of the rules. In this man-eat-man world, following the rules never gets you anywhere."
Zane suddenly stopped. Ever since the tower appeared, he's done all kinds of "illegal" things: actively doing jobs from the black market, planning to create a company with falsified records of employees and past work, and, more importantly, lying to his family. He lied to his mother about his status as a trainee; if she weren't a shaman who noticed his mana, he wouldn't have told her the truth — and he still hasn't told Alisha. All those behaviors are things that Jamaal would have done.
"I only lied to protect them from worrying. I know —" Zane's thought stopped midway as he remembered a childhood memory: Jamaal had used the same excuse to hide his drinking. He always claimed he hid it to protect Zane, to protect the family.
"Damn it, I'm not like him," Zane cursed under his breath. A sudden urge to smoke hit Zane like a slap, and he instinctively reached into his pocket for his pack of gum. Unfortunately, it's been weeks since his last urge, and he has even stopped bringing gum for these urges. He sighed to himself before emptying his mind, trying to get through this walk home, which suddenly felt like an eternity. Today was, overall, a shitty day for Zane, so he wanted nothing more than to return to his dorm and get a decent night's sleep.
"…Zane, Zane, wait up, it's me."
"Damn it, why did I have to meet him now of all times?" Zane thought. Knowing he couldn't pretend he didn't hear anything, he exhaled to calm his emotions and put a smile on his face. He turned to face the Crimson Feather Yard's direction:
"Ahmed? Were you sending your future husband back to her dorm?"
"Yeah," Ahmed nodded. "We left the mixer early to walk around, but we lost track of time while talking. By the way, how come I didn't see you there?"
"I was stuck doing guild missions," Zane sighed.
"Those damn guild missions are nothing but a form of exploitation," Ahmed immediately gritted his teeth.
"I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way," Zane nodded. The entire guild system is designed to amass money and to use apprentices as cheap labor. Although there seem to be some Labor Laws — for example, the employee pays for any accident — Zane did not trust them. These rules exist only because the tower wishes to maintain a certain level of fairness. In their home dimension — Akira — Zane does not believe for a second these mages have the same rule.
"Let's not mention those magical capitalists," Ahmed said. "It seems something is on your mind."
"Is it?"
"Yeah, I called you for a good minute before you noticed."
"I've just had an unpleasant day, so my mind has been occupied."
Ahmed glanced at him, "You know, I've noticed something about you: you're quite the reserved individual."
"That came out of nowhere, and also not true."
"No, it is. In the past 2 weeks, I've had intimate conversations with everybody else. Tom has talked about his dead parents, Devonte about his bad living circumstances, and Evans about his poor relationship with his siblings. I've even talked with James, but you, you're the only one who seemed approachable but rarely reveals anything below the surface."
Zane sighed, "Not to be rude, but I don't know you, so why would I share any personal information with a stranger?"
"That's what a guarded person would say, but that's a fair argument," Ahmed smiled. "How about this? I'll share something personal, and you tell me what peeved you."
"No way."
"Come on: there is no point in bottling it up. Maybe talking with someone might help."
"…Fine. You go first."
Ahmed paused for a moment, "I have been questioning my faith for a while now. It started after the tower appeared, but I suppressed these thoughts, putting them at the back of my mind. Then, the second shift came. As I watched the life being drained from those creatures' eyes, I could no longer suppress my thoughts.
"I tried to convince myself that they were not humans, but I knew I was lying to myself: I had taken a life — there was no way to trick myself around this truth. The guilt came rushing like a high-speed train, and with each creature I killed, it compounded; I began to feel like a sinner. I prayed and sought forgiveness with Allah, but that only temporarily alleviated the problem.
"My arrival at this school didn't help much. After learning so many new things, I couldn't stop asking questions: Did Allah create the Astral Cosmos or just the Earth Dimension? Is magic a gift from the Almighty, or is it a forbidden force? The Astral Cosmos is so vast, so what role does Allay play in it? What role does he want me to play? Does he want me to spread his word? Is that even a good idea? Could there be consequences? What about those foreign Gods — how should I treat them?"
Zane was silent. He wasn't a religious individual, but even so, he could imagine the torment of wrestling with all these thoughts. Faith can be a solid foundation for an individual's very being of existence, but once shaken, few people can withstand the turbulence.
Ahmed sighed, "These questions have been hunting me for a while — until I met Khadijah. In my culture, it's taboo to question the Lord's words, so I couldn't share these thoughts with anyone. But Khadijah is different. She not only made it easier to open up to her, but she also shared her struggle — her questioning. And honestly, speaking to her has strengthened my belief."
"You did all this just to praise your future husband?"
"I did all this to tell you the power of not bottling everything up," Ahmed smiled. "Now, it's your turn."
Zane was silent.
"Don't go back on your word. Otherwise, I'll have great disdain for you."
"Alright, alright," Zane sighed before summarizing what just happened with Judy.
"Let me ask you: do you regret it?"
"Of course. I never meant to hurt her."
"That may be true, but it still doesn't change the fact that you hurt her."
"I know that," Zane nodded.
"Did you mean it when you said she could come to you at any time for help?"
"I did, and from the bottom of my heart."
"Do you want her to forgive you?"
"Of course."
"Do you expect her to forgive you?"
"Expect is a strong word. I would like it, but I understand if she doesn't."
"Then, that's it," Ahmed concluded. "Our past actions — our past selves — do not have to define who we are. You did something wrong, sincerely apologized, and tried to make amends. Life often doesn't have perfect endings, so in many situations, that's all we can do. As long as you can live with the fact that she may never forgive you — which is her full right — then you don't need to let the guilt eat you up."
Zane pondered. Such a clear perspective, stated so directly, was the best effort to help him see things clearly. He had long accepted that he was an asshole when he was young and had even made amends with former classmates; Judy's case was a manifestation of his worst behavior — the clearest and most negative display of how his actions and words affected others.
But Zane was not the person he was before. That was a fundamental truth. Whether it was his relationship with Cindy or his time in prison, they had fundamentally changed him.