After arriving home, I dumped my loot into a pile and decided to change. That's the great thing about killing vampires—the convenience. Usually, you're dealing with blood on your clothes, bodies, and evidence, but here, it's just a bit of ash you can pass off as dandruff and a couple of scratches. I was able to walk calmly down the street, and despite the strange looks I received, nobody called the police.
After changing and taking another swig of that drink, I decided to contact Gambit—he definitely knows how to have a good time. When I reached him, I found out he was at an underground casino, and after getting the address, I was there in seven minutes. I don't know how long he had been playing, but the mountain of chips on his side spoke eloquently of his luck today. I don't understand—if he rakes in this kind of money at a casino, why the hell does he risk his neck on missions? Strangely enough, I got the answer just a few minutes later: security approached him and asked him to step aside for a talk. Being a team player, I started scooping his chips into a bag and, under the stunned gazes of the guards who were about to lunged at me, I walked into the same room where they had taken Remy a minute earlier. Inside, I found two unconscious security guards, a strange aquarium filled with blood, and their boss, who was shaking with fear in his shimmering suit. As we left through the back exit they so kindly informed us about, I learned that Remy had charged the boss's clothes and told him they would detonate if he didn't cooperate. Of course, he had first provided a colorful demonstration on the fish in the aquarium.
Later, we ended up at a bar. He was hitting a bottle of whiskey pretty hard, and seeing that I was mostly drinking my own supply, he began to beg me for a taste. After a few more gulps, I finally agreed and poured him two shots. Then Gambit had a brilliant idea for how we could raise some money, since the casino had been such a bust and we wouldn't be able to exchange the chips for a few days.
At the casino, he had picked up a girl who, after a few drinks, started telling him about her job and a very cool, and more importantly, expensive project she was working on. He didn't listen to much else, but he remembered the company name, and we figured we could steal it. The idea immediately seemed genius to me, and I was all for it.
Taking a taxi, we stopped for new masks and headed to the company building. Arriving, we saw giant letters: "Life Foundation." They probably save forests or invent alternative energy sources—otherwise, such a pretentious name makes no sense. After disabling the cameras, Remy and I broke in through the second-floor windows. Finding no guards rushing to the noise, we went to look for the secret laboratory holding our future riches. Not wanting to be distracted during the mission, I decided to finish the bottle. It was already half empty anyway. And then…
A sunny morning in some motel
My head hurt so badly it felt like my brain had become claustrophobic and decided to step out for some air, but this nasty skull and skin were in its way. Reaching for the water bottle conveniently located on the nightstand next to the bed, I tried to figure out where I was. And what happened yesterday? Damn, I remember the vampire club, then I went to see Remy and... blank. Fine. Maybe I can find clues in the room? Looking around, I realized I was covered in some kind of flour stuck over orange paint. Is this actually flour?
"Please let it be flour, please let it be flour, please let it be flour," I repeated, sniffing it. However, my hopes were not realized. I was completely covered in cocaine! And around the bed lay several open packages with its remains. Brilliant! What did we do yesterday?! Deciding to search the room for clues, I found a closet stuffed with packages. While racking my brain over how we got all this, I heard a news anchor on TV:
"Yesterday, two unidentified individuals broke into the Life Foundation building and stole experimental animals from a project to increase the intellectual limits of monkeys. Later, they stormed the city zoo and caused terror, releasing some of the animals. Police who arrived to stop the criminals were attacked by chimpanzees stolen from the Life Foundation. The animals were drugged and issued assault rifles. Under fire, the police were helpless, and some of the zoo animals managed to escape; they are still being caught. The suspects have not yet been located."
"Moving on to other news. Last night, the leader of the Eastern Jackals drug cartel was brought to the police station. He was in a semi-conscious state. A full confession was found on him, in which he admitted to many unsolved crimes. Later, several bases where his accomplices were hiding were found. The police were led to them by white trails left by a Good Samaritan calling himself the Knight of Detroit."
"What the hell?!" was the only thing I could say.
Finding my pants under the sofa and taking out my phone, I found 15 missed calls from Philippa, 3 from Herman, and 1 from Gambit. First, I decided to call Remy to reconstruct the horror of what happened yesterday.
After a few rings, he picked up.
"Hello, where are you?"
"I'm at a diner. Where are you?"
"I woke up in some motel. Do you remember what happened yesterday?"
"Most of it. You don't?"
"Nothing after we jumped into that window at the Life Foundation."
"Considering what we were doing, I actually envy you. How could we get so wasted at a bar?"
"Ummm."
"What?"
"Well, I was thinking... and I think... the bar wasn't to blame here at all."
"Then what?"
"Remember how you asked me for a taste of my drink?"
"And?"
"Well, it contained some kind of drug that dulls the intellect. The vampires used it to stupefy victims in their club."
"Vampires?! They exist?"
"Didn't I tell you yesterday?"
"No. God, what is wrong with your life? I'm never drinking with you again!"
"I might not drink with myself again either. Just tell me what we did yesterday, because the news is saying some crazy things."
"You haven't seen your music video yet."
"What video?"
"Just search: 'What does the fox say?'"
"F... fine." I wondered what I had filmed.
Finding my creation, which had gathered over a million views overnight, I clicked on it. First, I saw a forest where I, in a mask, started singing the song (thank God I had enough brains to wear a mask). I recognized the song immediately; it was Ylvis — The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?). What motivated me to do this? Well, it doesn't matter anymore. My self-respect is dead. I wonder if I'll be the first reincarnator to commit suicide out of shame? You might ask what in the video affected me so much? Well, it's simple. Towards the middle of the video, when I was supposed to put on a fox suit, my drugged brain apparently came up with a better idea. I appeared before everyone in my full form, painted orange, with the front of my fur turned white using a massive portion of cocaine. And this image could be seen until the end of the video. And there was Remy. No one would recognize him! That bastard in a fox kigurumi with a fox mask—wait, no, he's busted. I don't think there are many people in the world capable of making leaves glow and explode colorfully.
"Well, finished watching?"
"Yeah."
"And? How was it?" I could practically hear him straining not to burst out laughing.
"Humiliating."
"Hahaha!"
"Go ahead, laugh, but let me remind you that everyone saw your dance in fox pajamas too, and those who know you will immediately recognize your abilities." We both went quiet instantly.
"Fine, tell me what happened yesterday."
"Well, let's start with the Life Foundation. Basically, our 'genius' plan to make easy money failed. We didn't find any developments. You got upset, of course, and then you saw the monkeys and decided to save them from those ruthless experiments. I don't know what they were pumping into them, but those chimpanzees were pretty good at sign language, and I was able to explain that they were being rescued. Then we quietly led them to the parking lot, stole a truck, and rammed the gates. After that, we spent an hour driving around the city until we ran into some gang shootout. They started shooting at the truck, and we couldn't tolerate the provocation, so we decided to teach them a lesson. Only you seemed to lose all restraint; I've never seen such brutality even from Thomas. In the end, only their boss was left alive. He was shaking behind a car, praying to every god that you wouldn't notice him, but apparently he didn't pray hard enough because we found him. He begged you not to kill him, said he'd show us all his stashes and confess to everything. We agreed, and he showed us the locations of many warehouses with weapons, drugs, and his bases. That's where we got all the cocaine. By the way, do you have it?"
"Yeah, I'm covered in it. And I have a closet stuffed to the brim with it."
"Great, so we actually came out on top after yesterday."
"What happened next?"
"You decided to hand him and his accomplices over to the police. It's a pity you don't remember, but he was writing that confession with such a happy face, as if he'd been told he was cured of cancer. He even cried at the end, though that might have been related to your full form looming over him. After we were done with him, you decided being a hero felt good and suggested doing another good deed. To quote you: 'Can you imagine how bad the animals in the zoo have it? They live in cages for the public's amusement. We saved George and the guys, so we should save the others too.' You heard the rest on the news. I can also add a list of the places we robbed to your knowledge. We robbed a paint store and stole some spotlights and a generator for the video, and at a musical instrument store, you paid by leaving a bag of cocaine under the register. Then we spent an hour looking for that kigurumi. Then we went to film the video and separated. You said you knew where to hide the loot and were going to edit our creation."
"Have you called Philippa yet?"
"Are you joking?! Of course not. She'll kill me. Though if this all happened because of your swill, you'll be the one calling and explaining yourself to her."
"You asked to try it yourself."
"What? I can't hear you well. I think I'm entering a tunnel... pshhh... connection... pshhh... glitching."
"Weren't you just in a diner?" He hung up, the bastard!