Deaths.
Our losses.
These events I think…
Are here to remind us of our mortal condition that we sometimes forget, unconsciously thinking that life is eternal and that it never ends.
We convince ourselves with vanity in our own illusions and think that we will never run out of time to fix our mistakes, silence our regrets, but let us never forget that every human being is only a fragile being who dies with time.
I think my mind did not understand right away, or maybe it had decided to refuse this reality. My eyes could see but my heart, my soul screamed that it was not possible, that what we had seen had never happened.
AEGON….Dorian…..Why…
Why did this have to happen to us?
Why did he have to leave us in this way?
His endless complaints, his bad jokes. He could not… disappear like that… and yet there was nothing left of him except red mud, a shapeless mass that looked like nothing.
Lyra painfully crawled toward him, in an almost grotesque illusion she thought she could save our friend, her trembling hands inside the pool of blood that still carried what remained of Dorian.
— No, no, no, no, no… not him… I can… I can save him…
She begged the sky to help her, desperately, she released a huge amount of energy until she lost consciousness. Even if we were able to challenge logic and make miracles, bringing back the dead was unfortunately not part of it.
Asha's face was swollen and covered with blood and dirt, she hit the ground until her fists bled and her knuckles appeared.
— Fuck… FUCK !
Elias, powerless, silently cried, his eyes staring into emptiness, he who never bent… he was now only an empty shell without will, he was the first one to be tricked by this monster, he was not ready… we were not ready to live this kind of thing.
Aurora had shown us in many ways that our lives were not worth much; but this was a completely different story.
I wanted to clench my fists until my nails sank into my flesh but I no longer had the strength to do anything, I felt trapped inside my own body.
I only wanted one thing:
Revenge…
It was then that against all expectations I saw Simon arrive.
I do not know how much time had passed but his silhouette appeared through the rain, darker than all this chaos, he stopped in front of us, lit a cigarette then his gaze swept across the scene and that was when he saw what remained of Dorian.
He opened his mouth, then closed it immediately, I do not know if he truly realized what had just happened or maybe in the end he did…
His usual confident attitude was not there, but it was not sadness, it was something that only he had the answer to…
I hated him for that and ironically a part of me wanted to be like him.
Why did he only arrive now, I would hate him my whole life for not being there.
— I am sorry Iron…
The rest was blurry.
I only remembered the rain washing the blood from the streets. The lights of a helicopter coming down with a rescue team rushing to strap us onto stretchers to bring us back.
Arcadia finally disappeared behind us even if it had left its mark… a mark that would never disappear. I promised myself that one day I would return to this damned city…
To take revenge on this monster who took my comrade, my ally, my friend…
When I opened my eyes again, everything felt too familiar, as if I had been born to stay in a hospital bed…
I felt the silky sheets pleasant under my fingers, the constant sound made by the heart monitor and the pain living through my whole body.
I felt tears running along my temples without trying to stop them, all of this mixed with flashes of the fight of Aegon then of Dorian.
I turned my head to the left toward the window of my room, that was when I recognized the detailed and unique architecture of Aurora then a noise caught my attention behind the curtain on my right, once it was moved away I saw Elias asleep on a chair his head pointing toward the ceiling followed by Lyra closed in on herself on another bed in the corner of the room near the door, probably traumatized by the recent events.
Asha entered, covered with bandages, I was happy to see that she was okay even if it was probably what she wanted us to believe, we could see her red eyes and dark circles caused by endless crying, she woke Elias up and handed him snacks that she had gone to get earlier.
Then this overwhelming silence made me understand that he would not come back.
That Dorian's laughter would no longer interrupt our thoughts.
I cried once again, without shame, without holding back, nobody stopped me. We were only children and we had just lost one of our own.
The heavy silence was killing me more than the pain, every beep from the machine on my right sounded like an insult, how could I look at myself when Dorian was no longer there because of my weakness.
My hands were trembling with rage, dried blood was still stuck under my nails.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw again the smile he showed in front of Aegon. The smile of a boy who knew someone was going to die, who believed that our lives were worth more than his and who chose to smile at death until his final breath.
Why him?
Why not me?
He was afraid, he was even terrified, his voice too loud, his stupid jokes, his optimism that annoyed everyone and yet allowed us to have a small moment of relief.
I no longer knew who to blame, myself, Aegon, Arcadia or all these great houses convinced of their choices and of the path we all had to follow. I wanted to give in to hatred and darkness, to completely let go and drown in this abyss growing inside me for far too long, but every time I got close to it, the memory of Dorian came back : "So Iron you suck with your controller…the fight will not do itself ??", "It's just that… I have never touched a console in my whole life so I do not really know how to do it", "Hahaha…oh sorry wait I will show you then first you hold it like this and then…."
So my tears fell again, a bitter, uncontrollable flow.
I was angry. Yes. But even more than that, I was broken.
Asha grabbed my shoulder, her wounded gaze meeting mine.
She stayed silent but I saw her swollen red eyes speaking for her.
I looked away.
Because I was not ready to be comforted nor to be strong.
Grief was a new concept for me and for the first time in a long time… I wanted to be alone.