The Sacred Moonlit Springs had never been this peaceful, mostly because everyone in a fifty-mile radius was absolutely terrified to make a sound.
Maya was sipping her third piña colada of the afternoon. To her left, Ignis the World-Burner was carefully keeping the water at a bubbling 102 degrees. To her right, Vermithrax, the Sovereign of the Dragon Realm, was wearing his shattered armor and violently waving a massive palm leaf to create a gentle, cooling breeze. Every time Vermithrax slowed down, Leo would clear his throat loudly, and the Dragon King would instantly start fanning faster, sweating profusely.
"A little to the left, Vermy," Leo mumbled from beneath his sunglasses. "You're missing my shoulders."
Vermithrax grit his jagged teeth, his legendary pride completely broken. "Yes, Lord Leo. Right away."
Suddenly, the tranquil silence was broken by the sound of rustling bushes.
Two figures crept out of the glowing silver-wood forest. They were wearing oversized, woven Elven cloaks that dragged in the mud. More noticeably, they were both wearing incredibly cheap, rubber pointy ears that were tied around the backs of their heads with visible brown string.
Leo peeked over his sunglasses. "Are we being invaded by budget cosplayers?"
The two figures froze. They slowly pulled down their hoods, revealing the exhausted, tear-streaked faces of King Aldric and King Vane. They looked like they hadn't slept in a week.
"Great Ones!" King Aldric sobbed, falling to his knees so hard he chipped a spa tile. "We beg of you! Please, you must return to the Aegis Citadel! The Demon Lord Malakor has temporarily ceased fighting his brother! He has turned his massive army of darkness toward our capital! They will be at our walls by nightfall!"
Maya didn't even open her eyes. "Sounds like a 'you' problem, Al. I'm exfoliating."
King Vane crawled forward, his fake rubber elf ear flapping in the breeze. "We are desperate! We tried to fix this! We truly did! When you left, we went back to the Grand Summoning Circle. We planned to just let you enjoy your vacation and summon a different hero! Maybe an edgy teenager with a magical sword! Someone who actually listens to orders!"
Leo chuckled, taking a sip of his drink. "So why didn't you? Send some high school kid to fight your war."
"Because of the Cooldown!" King Aldric wailed, pulling at his hair. "The Grand Array of Aegis draws upon the leylines of the world! It can only be activated once every five hundred years! We blew our one chance for half a millennium on you two! If you don't help us, humanity is doomed until the year 2526!"
Leo and Maya finally sat up. They looked at each other.
"Five hundred years?" Maya asked, raising an eyebrow. "You guys really put all your eggs in one basket, didn't you?"
"We didn't know!" Vane cried. "The prophecy just said 'Summon the Strongest'! We didn't know the Strongest would only care about hot springs and room service!"
Leo sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. He looked at the beautiful Elven spa, then at the two pathetic kings groveling on the floor.
"Look, Al, Vane," Leo said, standing up and stretching. The water cascaded off his floral swim trunks. "Maya and I are very busy doing absolutely nothing. However... I did notice that your castle didn't have a very good kitchen. And honestly, this spa is great, but we've been here for a whole day. We like to hop around on vacations."
Maya smirked, catching on to her husband's line of thinking. She slipped on her designer sandals. "Tell me something, Aldric. This Demon Lord Malakor... does his castle have a better view than yours?"
King Aldric blinked, completely confused. "T-The Obsidian Fortress? It... it sits atop the highest peak of the Ashen Mountains. It is said to overlook the entire continent. But it is filled with horrors and—"
"A penthouse view," Maya interrupted, her eyes gleaming behind her sunglasses. "Perfect. Pack the bags, Leo. We're checking out of the Elven Kingdom."
"Wait, you are going to fight the Demon Army?!" King Vane gasped, a glimmer of hope returning to his eyes.
Leo laughed, tossing his empty coconut to Vermithrax, who caught it clumsily.
"Fight? No," Leo smiled, cracking his knuckles. The sheer pressure radiating from his hands caused the ground to tremble, and both kings instinctively covered their heads. "We're just going to politely ask Malakor to give us his master bedroom. If his army gets in the way of our luggage, that's their problem."
Maya pointed a manicured finger at the two terrified Dragon Lords. "Ignis. Vermy. You're coming too. I need someone to carry the bags, and the nights in the Ashen Mountains get cold. I expect a perfectly heated room when we arrive."