'It stinks…'
As I walked on my way to school, I smelt something quite odd.
It wasn't pee or gas, nor feces or cigarette smoke.
I couldn't tell what exactly it was.
Usually, I'd be able to recognize a scent on the rare occasion that I smelt it.
However, I fell short this time.
And for some reason, that frustrated me to no end.
'What the hell that damned smell?!'
I quickly began to secretly glance around for the source of it, my frustration slowly growing.
Eventually, the smell disappeared.
So, in the end, I never figured out what that smell was.
I guess I just wasn't good enough.
**
A single breath entered my lungs.
Then, I exhaled.
Another breath entered.
And I exhaled again.
Repeating this process slowly and quietly my fatigue began to wear off.
'Maybe having gym first thing in the morning isn't such a great idea.'
It was my second period science class but I had just had phys ed the period before.
And for some reason, phys ed was a lot more exercise heavy than usual.
That on top of having to walk up stairs to get to Mr. Bostav's classroom really drained me.
'Such a pain…'
I rested my chin on the desk and let out a silent sigh.
'Man, my schedule on Friday kinda sucks now. I don't have any classes with literally anyone else I'm close with besides coding with Nishimoya. And Nishimoya is usually so focused there it's like she doesn't even exist.'
This realization was heartbreaking.
It was such a shame that the best day out of the week had such a terrible schedule.
But such was life.
"Now that all of y'all are here. Let's begin class," Mr. Bostav said, noticing that the class was over half full.
I lazily pulled out my science notebook and a pencil from my bookbag.
Then, I pinched myself in an attempt to jolt myself awake.
It did not work.
Sighing once again, I focused on Mr. Bostav.
'Such a pain…'
**
"I'd like to formally announce to you all that my lovely wife Tristan and I are getting married,
Soriel and Nishimoya clapped and giggled as they watched me hold Tristan's hand and raise it into the air.
"We're getting a divorce," Tristan said, ripping his hand away.
"Wha?! Don't be like that my beloved!"
"Look, I get that you like men but I don't so chill out," Tristan
My eyebrow twitched.
"Well, screw you too," I scowled dramatically and folded my arms.
Soriel let out a small laugh which brought a smile to my face.
'Cute…wait no!'
I suddenly straightened my back and shook my head.
'Can't fall for her! I must not forget!'
Seeing my odd action, Soriel tilted her head in curiosity but didn't mention it.
If you hadn't guessed already, it was lunch time, the peak of my day.
After all, I got to see my friends.
"Speaking of relationships, have you ever had a girlfriend, Tristan?" Nishimoya asked curiously.
"Nah. Too much work," Tristan replied as shaking his head calmly.
"You could've had plenty back in seventh grade. But no, you wasted the opportunity," I said, shaking my head in disappointment.
'Some men die of thirst while other men drown.'
"Stop acting like you've never had a girlfriend. Plus, you saw those girls. You wouldn't have dated them either,"
"Fair point,"
Tristan wasn't wrong. Most of the girls looked like Bigfoot if he had the height of a middle school girl.
"I have an idea!" Soriel called out suddenly.
Nishimoya and I looked towards her in confusion while Tristan began reading his book.
"What is it?"
"We should travel to different countries as a group and make ratings of each one to find our favorite overall," Soriel suggested
"Hmm. Good idea. But I'd prefer to blow up countries instead," I replied.
"Can you stop saying that?!" Nishimoya exclaimed in both exhaustion and exasperation.
I laughed at Nishimoya's reaction as she stared at me with annoyance.
We all continued to banter amongst ourselves for the rest of the lunch period.
It was fun.
But nothing lasts forever. Especially fun.
Once my lunch period ended, my day went on as usual.
Except in my last period, where Ms. Marvel announced we'd be getting our regents scores back at the end of the day.
'Oh they're all done being graded…?'
As heard about this news in the social studies classroom, an unknown emotion clouded my mind.
I wasn't sure how to feel.
But I knew that focusing on it would lead to nothing good.
And so I focused until the end of class and when I'd have to confront reality.
**
"You ready?" I asked.
"Yeah, you?" Tristan replied.
"Nope," I answered.
The two of us stood in a line in front of the main office where our test scores would be told to us by Mr. Bostav.
Soriel and Nishimoya were farther up on the line so I couldn't talk to them.
Second by second, I began to feel more anxious.
So, with every second, I thought of a new thing.
'Rug, charger, tooth, toothbrush, Serbia, shoes, Michael Jackson…'
These random thoughts calmed my mind, allowing me to get through the wait.
Eventually, I was at the front of the line.
"Alright so, your grade for the math one was 94, for the English it was 92, and for social studies it was 81," Mr. Bostav told me.
'81…?'
The score was lower than I expected.
I knew that social studies wasn't my strong suit but I thought I'd at least get over an 85.
My body slightly tensed and my mind felt a bit unfocused.
'Not a single over a 95? And an 81? Where did I go wrong? What did I mess up on? Couldn't I have done any better? Am I stupid?'
As I left the line, numerous thoughts plagued my mind.
I gritted my teeth slightly.
But then, I took a small shaky breath.
'It's fine…I guess. It's not failing or anything. Maybe it was just a hard test…?'
I tried reassuring myself with those words as I walked towards the others who were already gathered.
"What'd you guys get?!" Nishimoya asked excitedly once all of us gathered together.
"I got a 90 in math, 88 in English, and an 86 in social studies," Nishimoya declared proudly.
"Great job," I said.
Inwardly, my mind was a mess.
'Damn it. She got higher than me in Social studies. Well, she studies a bunch because of her parents it's nothing to freak over…'
I tried to calm myself down and looked towards Tristan.
"I got an 86 in math, 87 in English, and an 85 in social studies," he said calmly.
'Damn it! He got higher than me too?! But he's pretty much a genius so I shouldn't worry too much about it…'
Once again, I desperately tried to reassure myself.
"Well, I got a 94 in math, 92 in English, and an 81 in social studies," I said.
Soriel clapped in a playful manner.
"You guys all did great. I got a 85 in math, 89 in English, and an 84 in social studies," Soriel said.
My heart stopped.
It felt as if my stomach had dropped and as if my lungs were pierced.
My hopes were eviscerated, leaving nothing left.
I was crushed.
'She got higher than me too? How? Why? She isn't even big on academics in the slightest? How could I be so stupid? So incompetent? So disappointing? What do I even exist for? Why is everyone better than me? I couldn't even surpass someone who doesn't care even a fraction as much as I do….'
There was nothing.
No more excuses I could make, nothing I could say.
Nishimoya may have been studying inhumanly, and Tristan may be unnaturally smart but Soriel had no heavy interest in academics.
Yet, I was still inferior.
I still fell short.
I was weak, pathetic, disgusting.
I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream.
But I didn't.
"Awesome job guys!" I congratulated with the brightest smile I could muster.
Soriel and Nishimoya smiled back while Tristan just nodded.
"Well, I gotta go now. See ya!" I said as I waved goodbye.
"Bye."
"See you later!"
"Bye!"
I began to walk away. Step after step until I was out of the school completely.
Even then, I didn't stop walking.
I just walked and walked without paying attention to anything or anyone.
Because none of that mattered.
What mattered was that I failed.
It wasn't a pass or fail, it was a matter of being the best or even just good.
But I wasn't.
In fact, I was the worst, the lowest of the low.
I couldn't even feel genuinely happy over my own friend's accomplishments.
There were lots of people who probably failed, so I should've been grateful I didn't.
But I wasn't.
I wanted to scream. To punch something.
I didn't though.
I couldn't.
I just walked, pushing these emotions down deep into my heart.
After all, that was all I could do.
That's what I needed to do.
I had to keep trying, I had to move on.
That's just how things were.