"ENOUGH!" a voice roared.
The sound was so powerful it made my tooth fillings ache, like a heavy metal concert was being staged inside my skull.
"I've been in this dimension for five hundred years, interrogated thousands of damned souls, but I've never seen a mortal as suffocating as you! 'Is Tyler online?', 'Whose photo did Tyler like?', 'What's Tyler's rising sign?'... Shut up already, Madison!"
I looked up. Standing before me was a being about eight feet tall, with jet-black horns, raven feathers draped over his shoulders, and eyes that glowed like molten gold. Lord Astaroth, the Demon Lord, slammed his massive staff onto the ground in fury. The sparks it emitted were brighter than my favorite highlighter.
What should a normal person do in that moment? Scream? Faint? Pray?
I just blinked and stared at the Lord's jawline—perfect, as if it had been meticulously carved by a master sculptor.
"Wow..." I whispered, my voice trembling with excitement (and a little leftover crying). "You're... way hotter than Tyler. Are those muscles real? Or are they part of the armor?"
Astaroth's golden eyes widened in shock.
"What? I just spoke to you about eternal darkness, and you're asking about my deltoid muscles? I am the Bringer of Ruin, the Sovereign of Ancient Shadows!"
"I mean, Tyler used to go to the gym, but only to take mirror selfies and promote protein powder," I said, standing up and smoothing out my 'Ex-Boyfriend's Tears' stained t-shirt.
"Your aura... is much more 'dominant.' Plus, your voice is incredibly sexy. Are you a voice actor? You know, like those mysterious commercials that say, 'Because you're worth it' or something..."
Astaroth almost dropped his staff. "I am telling you I will punish you! I pulled you here, into my very presence, to put you in your place!"
I took a step closer, a faint smirk playing on my lips. "Punish me? Exactly what kind of punishment? For example... are you going to keep me hostage in this castle? Take my phone away? Tyler blocked me anyway, it's not much use. But if you have Wi-Fi, I'm down to stay."
Lord Astaroth, for the first time in his existence, took a step back, not knowing what to do. Could the Great Demon Lord be... afraid of me?
"You... you aren't normal. There is a glitch in your soul. Your frequency has disrupted the entire balance of Hell. Instead of guarding the sinners, the demons are now discussing 'the lighting angles of the photos Tyler took with that girl'!"
"So, what's this place famous for?" I asked, looking around. "Torture rooms and stuff? I hope it's not too hot inside; my hair gets frizzy with humidity. Also, sulfur dries out the skin, you know? I need to recommend a good moisturizer for you—that scaling around the base of your horns looks terrible."
"Don't Look At Me Like That, Mortal!"
In moment, Astaroth realized that the most terrifying thing he had ever encountered was an "obsessed ex."
Worse, he saw the light in my eyes that said New target acquired. Tyler was gone, replaced by a horned and much cooler 'problem.'
"No," the Lord muttered. "No, no, no... Don't look at me like that, mortal. I will not become one of your 'toxic love' projects."
"Excuse me?" I said, fluttering my eyelashes as innocently as possible. "I was just wondering; since you know everything and rule Hell... did Tyler really cheat on me, or did he just need 'space'? Because if he needs space, we could give him a room in this giant castle of yours, what do you think?"
Lord Astaroth barely stopped himself from lifting his staff and hitting his own head. "I will soak Tyler, you, and that Ouija board in pure sulfur! But first... first, shut your mouth!"
This was going to be fun. Tyler hadn't texted back, but I had a fire-breathing, golden-eyed 'Hell Prince' in front of me, and I was just getting warmed up.
Contrary to what you might think, Hell wasn't just a place of lava lakes and eternal groaning. It was a massive, chaotic metropolis where the municipal services had gone bankrupt, but the taxes were still being collected like clockwork.
This was "Inferno-Polis!
There were seven layers, and each offered a different "vibe." For instance, in the "Gossip District," demons lived in an endless cycle of drama, reading mortals' private DMs to one another.
"Politics Square" was even worse; former politicians were trapped in a never-ending live broadcast, shouting "Mr. Deputy, do not interrupt me!" for eternity. The lava? That was just used as an underfloor heating system, because the lower levels of Hell were freezing at sub-zero temperatures due to the sheer coldness of the bureaucracy.
"My Lord, May I Have a Feather From Your Cape?"
Lord Astaroth marched down the corridor with his famous black-feathered cape trailing behind him, and I was dragging along like a comet's tail in his wake. His strides were so enormous that I had to take three "catwalk" steps just to keep up with one of his.
"Look, Astaroth-ie... Can I call you 'Asti'? I think it suits you!" I said, skipping from one side of his cape to the other. "This cape definitely isn't synthetic, I can feel it. Raven feathers? Oh, don't give me that animal rights talk, we're in Hell after all. But it looks truly dramatic. It has that 'I'm very dangerous but also a secret poet' vibe. Totally chic!"
Astaroth stopped. Abruptly. He stopped so hard I slammed my nose right into those raven feathers.
"Mortal! My name is not 'Asti'! I am the Commander of the Eighteenth Legion—"
"Yeah, yeah, Dark Bureaucracy, blah blah." I interrupted.
"But I have a question; why is the bureaucracy here so slow? We just passed the 'Visa and Torture Department.' That demon clerk's face was sagging so much, he desperately needs Botox. And what's with those files? Has digitalization not reached this place yet? See, Tyler was just like this; by the time he opened the navigation to go somewhere, I'd already posted three stories and tagged the location."
Astaroth gripped his staff. His molten gold eyes glowed as if saying, "Please, just bury me here right now." "Madison, this place is governed by Hell Protocol 404. Every soul's torment must be approved by three different demonic councils, sealed, and then backed up in the lava pits of the Archive Floor! Our system is flawless!"
"Your system has crashed, honey, accept it!" I said with a smirk.
"I just saw a demon trying to torture a politician in the 'Liars' Ward,' but the guy convinced the demon and promised to build a subway line through Hell! The demon is currently running his campaign. Look, you can't handle things like this. You don't mix politicians with regular souls; they're professionals. You throw them directly into the 'Customer Service' floor. That's where the real suffering happens."
Astaroth paused for a moment. He looked like he actually found it logical, but he would never admit it.
"I should erase your memory!" he muttered, his voice sounding like a prayer. "I should scrub you from the coordinates of this dimension and send you back to your ridiculous life in the human world with that tiny phone of yours."