It was exactly a week after the party and my heart was racing. I kept replaying the night in my head. The way Sean had laughed at my terrible jokes, the way he'd leaned in slightly when I spoke, like he didn't want to miss anything.
Sean and I had been texting nonstop since the party. I picked up my bag, swirled some lip gloss and shut the door behind me. A familiar face was grinning in the hallway.
"Sean! What are you doing here?" I tried to hide the excitement in my voice.
"Well," he said, "I knew you'd be running late so I decided to come pick you up." I was a bit puzzled. "Wait, how did you know my room?" I asked raising my eyebrow. He snorted. "You've forgotten that you have a chatty best friend. Of course, PJ couldn't keep her fat mouth shut.
We passed the long lawns down campus. It was spring and it seemed like every flower was blooming. I bent down to sniff the pretty purple flowers that smelled like my perfume. Behind me, it looked like Sean was bending too. We stood up at the same time and he had something behind his back.
"What's that?" I asked, moving closer to him. He swiftly jumped back. "It's a surprise, don't ruin it," he said laughing. I crept under his outstretched hand behind his back. Of course, I facepalmed. Slick dude. In the five minutes I had bent down to smell the flowers, Sean had gathered a makeshift bouquet. It was a sweet gesture, but underneath it something still felt off.
"Wait, did I do something wrong?" Sean asked. He had noticed that my mood was changing.
"Nothing. Just weird memory stuff. Don't worry, you didn't do anything," I said, trying to hide my emotions with a laugh.
"You always laugh like that when you're hiding something," Sean said, his tone sounding a bit serious. I shrugged it off and laughed again.
"So, did you have any pets when you were younger?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Uhh, yeah, we had a Lab mix named Major. I was really young when we had him though, so I don't really remember much about him. The pet I can never forget though is Dash, our rottweiler. We got him when I was ten, and he was my best friend in the world. I got bullied a lot as a kid because of my teeth, so I didn't have any friends. Dash was loyal. I loved him more than anything. The worst day in my life was the day we had to put him down."
Tears were already forming in Sean's eyes. It seemed like digging into that side of his past had struck a nerve. I suddenly felt a flash of déjà vu. Major. I had definitely heard that name somewhere. I brushed it aside. Major was a common name for dogs. I had probably just heard it somewhere.
I looked so my side and saw Sean snapping his fingers. "Earth to Karli," he said, snapping his fingers and waving his other hand at the same time. "You completely zoned out there for a minute."
"Sorry," I said, "I was just trying to remember if I had any childhood pets too."
"Did you?" Sean asked.
"I don't think so. None that I remember anyway. I had never really been an animal person, and neither had my mum," I said.
"Ahh, that explains a lot." Sean said, laughing. I looked at him in bewilderment. "What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.
"First of all, you didn't like my flowers. Who doesn't like flowers?"
I punched his shoulder in mock anger. "Oh, so that's part of your game now huh? Trying to make me laugh?"
"Well, is it working?" he asked with a sheepish smile."
"No," I said. but the both of us knew I didn't actually mean it.
There always seemed to be some flashes of déjà vu whenever I talked to Sean, like I knew him in a past life or something.
He noticed I was lost in thought again. "Are you okay?" he asked, this time with a genuine look of concern on his face.
I hesitated.
"You always hesitate before you answer serious questions."
"What?" I asked blinking.
He smiled casually, like he hadn't just interrupted my heartbeat.
"You do. You pause. Like you're editing yourself."
I let out a soft laugh. "You analyze everyone this much?"
"Only when they're interesting."
Something about the way he said it made my stomach dip. Markus used to say things like that too. Not the same words, but in the exact same tone.
"You're hard to read," Markus once told me, fingers brushing mine like it was accidental. "But I like that. Makes it more fun."
Fun. That word had followed me for months.
Back at the lawn, I picked at the edge of my dress.
"You're wrong," I said lightly. "I don't hesitate."
"You do," he insisted, amused. "Even now."
I shook my head, smiling, but heat crept up my neck. How did he keep noticing these tiny details about me? Something felt off, but I just couldn't place a finger on it.
We talked for another hour. The conversation shifted to much lighter topics. Favorite music, favorite snacks, topics that didn't have to make us open emotional scars. Sean had this calm way of listening, like he wasn't waiting for his turn to speak.
When we stood up to leave, the sun was starting to go down, casting dark shadows on to the pavement.
"You know, you don't have to be guarded," he said quietly. I stopped walking.
"I'm not guarded," I said, forcing a small smile.
Sean studied my face for a second, then he nodded. He didn't argue, didn't challenge me, or tell me I was wrong. Somehow that unsettled me more than if he had.
As we parted ways, I looked back. He was still there, watching. Not in a possessive or threatening way, but like he was observing. Like he was memorizing something.
I told myself it was nothing. But as I walked home, one quiet thought refused to leave me alone. How did he see me so clearly, when I hadn't shown him my true self?