"I'm definitely jumping off!!!"
"Oh dear! Think again, young man! Life is still long!!"
"Leave me alone! I choose death!!"
On the rooftop of an apartment building near the church, a young man was preparing to jump.
People below were gathered, watching and desperately trying to stop him from doing something stupid.
"Archer!" her Master said anxiously.
"Understood!"
Archer was about to take action when suddenly, from the crowd of onlookers, someone slipped through and walked to a spot where the young man could clearly see him.
After looking around, he shouted loudly.
"Do a flip!"
...Huh?
Everyone turned to look at the person who just said that.
It was a rather young priest with slicked-back silver hair, silver eyelashes, and pupils that were... quite hard to describe.
Oh right, his pupils looked like four-pointed stars.
With that appearance, a normal person glancing at him would think he was some kind of saint.
"Mr. Priest?! What do you mean by that??" A nearby resident recognized him and asked.
"Oh my beloved devout lamb up there, do you still remember that suicide is the gravest sin that humans should avoid the most?" The priest smiled.
"I don't believe in God," the young man above replied.
"Oh, that's fine, that's fine. Whether you believe or not isn't the issue," the priest said, raising his hand casually.
"I just want to ask one question… Why is suicide considered a grave sin, violating the Sixth Commandment?"
"Isn't it because God gave us life, so killing yourself is wasting the life God granted? I think that's pretty bullshit because I believe in science," the young man answered bluntly.
Oh, a man of science.
"Hey you! How dare you insult our religion like that?!" One person pointed at the young man and shouted.
"Calm down, he's actually quite right," the priest intervened.
"Huh? What?" The crowd looked at the priest in confusion.
"Actually, those rules and grave sins were created to stop believers from doing bad things. Their purpose is good. It's just that humans are very good at breaking rules, so the Popes had to use their faith in God to restrain them. In the end, believing in God is the only way to keep them from going insane."
"But..." The priest looked around.
"That doesn't mean God won't intervene!"
The crowd was confused. The young man on the roof was also confused.
"It doesn't matter whether life was given by God or not. The fact that you are alive, that you can enjoy life and be happy, means God has done an excellent job guiding you in the right direction."
"THEREFORE!" The priest pointed at the young man.
"The fact that you dare to jump, dare to defy those who want everyone to go in a better direction, dare to go against God's will, dare to take your own life and kill it — do you really think God won't intervene?!"
"What do you want then?!" the young man shouted.
"Bet with me!"
Huh?
"If you jump and survive, it means God is both real and loves His people! But if you die, it means we have been abandoned by God and the Great Flood is coming!!!!"
The hell? Is this guy trying to panic the crowd?
Also holy shit, is he seriously using someone else's life to spread religion? What kind of genius tactic is this?
"Hmph! I'm sick of living anyway. If you dare to bet, then let's bet! If I survive, I'll let a femboy fuck my ass for a whole year!"
"It has to be 6 years! Because you violated the Sixth Commandment!"
"Motherfu— Fine, 6 years it is!"
"And do a flip! Otherwise the bet is off!"
"Deal! Watch me jump!!"
The young man didn't hesitate. He jumped off, did a full flip in the air, and struck a perfect diving pose like a professional swimmer!
THUD!
"..."
Everyone approached the spot where he landed. There was a deep hole in the exact shape of his body.
"...This feels kinda wrong, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, according to physics, he should've been flattened and dead, not created a perfect cartoon-style impact crater."
"It must be God's miracle!"
"Makes sense!"
The priest walked over and shouted:
"Oiii, you still alive?"
"..."
"Dead already? Oh well, I didn't really think God would bother with trivial matters like this anyway. Especially from a non-believer. Someone get the cement!"
"WAIT WAIT WAIT! DON'T POUR IT!!" The young man immediately stood up. His face wasn't bruised or swollen — just a bit dirty.
Then he saw the priest's smile.
"See? God did intervene. So your suicide attempt was pointless. God didn't allow you to die."
The surrounding people, who had been watching with wide eyes, burst into enthusiastic applause.
A truly ridiculous miracle had just happened!
"..." Archer remained silent, almost unable to believe it.
Not because the young man survived, but because of how extremely heretical the priest's method of guiding and spreading religion was.
Who in their right mind would use a suicidal person's life to promote religion? Is this really from Christianity? Or is this some evil god's cult?
"Sugoi!" Archer's Master clapped in admiration at the scene.
As for the young man, his face looked completely drained.
He had made the bet… and lost.
6 years… getting fucked by a femboy? Just thinking about it made his asshole hurt.
"My child, femboys aren't necessarily bad. It's just that their dicks are a bit bigger than normal. You can endure it!"
"..."
"Ah, if you can't find a femboy, don't worry. I already prepared one just for you. His name is Astolfo (Ankoman version)."
"As long as you don't let him fuck your ass, he'll fuck every woman around you instead. So make sure you manage him well~" The priest approached and whispered into his ear.
"Uh..." The young man felt his hair falling out from stress, looking way older than his actual age.
IS THIS GUY EVEN HUMAN?! AND ASTOLFO FROM ANKOMAN ON TOP OF THAT??? (Don't read Ankoman doujins, I warned you.)
I'D RATHER HAVE LORE (not) ACCURATE ASTOLFO! AT LEAST HE'S WILLING TO OFFER HIS OWN ASS AND STAY LOYAL!!
Seeing the young man looking utterly devastated, the priest simply smiled, said goodbye to the believers, and returned to the church.
"...I think we should reconsider before entering this church. I'm being very serious," Archer said.
"What are you talking about? Isn't he a good person? He saved that guy from killing himself!"
HOW ARE YOU INTERPRETING THIS AS HIM BEING A GOOD PERSON?! HE'S ABOUT TO DESTROY THAT GUY'S ASSHOLE!!!
"Let's go, Archer! We don't have time!"
"..."
Archer's Master is a good person. She's just too naive.
And being naive during a Holy Grail War is definitely not okay at all.