Chapter 3: The Discovery Phase (and Other Budget Cuts)
The morning after a hostile takeover is always the worst. For Aris, it involved a splitting headache and the realization that the Maw of Despair's "Break Room" was just a pile of damp hay and a skull.
"This won't do," Aris muttered, flicking a piece of straw off his suit jacket. "If we're going to run a professional operation for Goddess Eris, we need infrastructure."
He found Deputy Malphas in the Throne Room, trying to glue his femurs back together after the "Sanctification" scare. The Lich looked diminished, his purple fire now a dull, smoky grey—the color of a Tuesday afternoon at the DMV.
**"AUDITOR,"** Malphas rasped. **"THE HEROES ARE SECURED IN THE 'PROCESSING WING.' THE PALADIN HAS NOT STOPPED RECITING PSALMS. IT IS GIVING THE SKELETONS A MIGRAINE."**
"Move him to a soundproofed vault and tell him it's 'Administrative Solitary,'" Aris said, opening his clipboard. "We have bigger problems. Look at this."
He projected a graph into the cold air. It was a line chart, and it was plummeting.
"This is our **Mana-Liquidity**. When Eris bought the dungeon, she assumed the debt, but she didn't provide a working capital. The Sun God's 'XP-Siphon' is still active, but it's gone dormant. It's like a vampire tap buried deep in the world's source code."
**"CAN WE NOT JUST KILL MORE ADVENTURERS?"** Malphas asked hopefully.
"Market saturation," Aris countered. "If we kill too many, the Hero's Guild raises the 'Danger Rating,' and the insurance premiums skyrocket. No, we need to find out where the 'Laundry' is. XP doesn't just vanish; it has to be converted into 'Divine Essence' to be used by the Gods."
He tapped a blinking red dot on a map of the surface world. It was located in the heart of **Oakhaven**, the capital city of the Holy Kingdom.
"There is a 'Charity Auction' being held tomorrow by the High Temple of the Sun," Aris explained. "They are selling 'Artifacts of Grace.' I suspect these artifacts are actually containers for the stolen XP. We're going undercover."
The Disguise Protocol
**"UNDERCOVER?"** Malphas looked down at his exposed ribcage. **"I AM AN EIGHT-FOOT-TALL CORPSE. I DO NOT 'BLEND'."**
Aris sighed. "That's why we're using the **'Independent Contractor' Clause**."
> **[SKILL ACTIVATED: Corporate Rebranding (Rank C)]**
> *Target: Deputy Malphas & Aris Thorne*
> *Status: Illusionary Overlay Applied.*
> *New Appearance: 'Distinguished Elderly Merchant' and 'Junior Associate'.*
With a shimmer of grey light, the Lich was transformed into a tall, spindly man with a monocle and a very expensive-looking velvet coat. Aris simply looked like a slightly more human version of himself—a tired man in a sharp suit, minus the wings and snout.
"You are now **Baron Bone-White**, a retired silk merchant with an interest in antiquities," Aris commanded. "And I am your assistant, Mr. Henderson. If anyone asks, your cough is 'chronic' and definitely not 'the sound of a soul rattling in a cage'."
The Capital City: Oakhaven
The city of Oakhaven was disgusting. It was too bright, too clean, and everyone smiled like they were being held at sword-point by an angel.
Aris and the Baron (Malphas) stood before the High Temple, a sprawling marble monstrosity that practically screamed "Tax Haven."
"Remember," Aris whispered as they approached the golden gates. "We are here to observe the flow of Mana. Do not—I repeat, **do not**—eat anyone."
**"BUT THE BISHOP LOOKS QUITE MARBLED,"** Malphas muttered, his monocle glinting.
"Focus. We need to find the **Ledger of Souls**. If the Sun God is laundering XP, there will be a paper trail. Or a prayer trail. Either way, my system can track it."
As they entered the auction hall, a notification pinged on Aris's retina.
> **[ENVIRONMENTAL SCAN]**
> *Detection: High concentrations of 'Synthetic Divinity'.*
> *Analysis: 85% of the items in this room are 'Mana-Laundered' assets.*
> *Warning: A 'Compliance Officer' from the Heavens is present in the room.*
Aris froze. Across the ballroom, sipping a glass of ambrosia, was a man in white robes with eyes like spinning galaxies. An **Archangel of Internal Affairs**.
"Change of plans," Aris hissed to Malphas. "The Feds are here. We need to flip the script. We're not just observing the auction... we're going to outbid everyone using the Goddess Eris's 'Chaos Credit Line.' We're going to buy the evidence right out from under them."
"WITH WHAT MONEY?"
Aris smirked. "In business, Malphas, 'Debt' is just 'Wealth' that hasn't found a home yet. Watch and learn."
Aris adjusted his "Henderson" name tag and leaned toward Malphas. "Baron, try to look scandalized. Not 'I'm-going-to-devour-your-lineage' scandalized, just... disappointed. Like a billionaire who found a hair in his caviar."
**"I SHALL ENDEAVOR TO RADIATE SUBTLE DISGUST,"** Malphas hissed, his illusory monocle catching the light of the enchanted chandeliers.
Aris activated his **[Market Manipulation]** sub-routine, a skill he'd honed back in Chicago during a particularly nasty hostile takeover of a mid-sized paper company.
> **[SKILL ACTIVATED: The Short-Sell (Rank C)]**
> *Target: The "Scepter of Eternal Radiance" (Lot #42)*
> *Effect: Sows 'Reasonable Doubt' in a 15-meter radius. Success chance depends on the user's 'Bullshit' stat.*
The auctioneer, a Bishop with a voice like honey and a heart like a cash register, raised the Scepter. "And here we have a relic of the Third Age! Pure, distilled Grace. Bidding starts at fifty thousand gold!"
"Fifty thousand?" Aris said, his voice carrying just enough to reach the neighboring clusters of nobles. He let out a sharp, practiced scoff. "For a *refurbished* unit? That's bold."
A Duchess nearby turned, her eyebrows arching. "Refurbished? This is a holy relic, young man."
"Is it?" Aris stepped closer, squinting at the Scepter through his enchanted loupe. "I mean, the mana-signature is there, sure. But look at the spectral fraying around the base. That's classic 'Mana-Bleed.' If you buy this, you'll be spending ten thousand a month just on soul-stabilizers to keep it from turning into a very expensive paperweight."
The Duchess paled. "Mana-Bleed? But the Temple guaranteed—"
"The Temple also guaranteed that the 'Chosen One' would clear the Maw of Despair in a week," Aris whispered, leaning in as if sharing a deadly secret. "And we all know how *that* went. The market is flooded with these 'distilled' artifacts right now. Word on the Astral Exchange is that the Sun God is dumping his stock because the 'Grace' isn't holding its charge anymore. It's basically... 'Synthetic Light'."
The rumor spread like a virus. Aris didn't even have to do much more; he just moved from group to group, dropping terms like "depreciating holiness," "sub-prime soul-mortgages," and "regulatory non-compliance."
Within ten minutes, the room's energy shifted from "Reverent Awe" to "Panic Selling."
"Forty thousand?" the Bishop called out, his voice cracking. "Thirty? Do I hear... twenty?"
The Archangel across the room narrowed his spinning-galaxy eyes. He sensed the shift. He began to walk toward Aris, his footsteps making no sound on the marble floor.
**"THE CELESTIAL FED IS APPROACHING,"** Malphas whispered, his illusory hand twitching toward his ruler.
"Hold the line, Baron," Aris muttered, checking his watch. "Wait for the bottom out."
"Five thousand gold!" the Bishop shouted in desperation. "Does anyone bid five thousand for the Scepter of—"
"Five thousand and one," Aris called out, raising a casual hand. "And I'll need a receipt for tax-deductible charitable giving."
The Archangel stopped right behind Aris. The air grew cold—a holy, sterile cold that smelled of ozone and judgment.
"Mr. Henderson, I presume?" the Archangel said, his voice vibrating in Aris's very marrow. "Your 'market analysis' is quite... creative. But I'm curious. Why would a humble merchant's assistant want a 'defective' relic?"
Aris didn't turn around. He just tapped his clipboard, where a new notification was glowing.
> **[NOTICE: LIENS DETECTED]**
> *By purchasing Lot #42, you have officially gained 'Legal Standing' to audit the manufacturer.*
"I don't want the relic, Officer," Aris said, finally turning to face the celestial being with a sharp, toothy grin. "I want the **Product Warranty**. And as the new owner, I'm officially filing a 'Lemon Law' claim against the Sun God. We're going to need to see his production ledgers. All of them."
The Archangel's wings twitched. He wasn't prepared for a lawsuit. He was prepared for a fight.
"You're an Auditor," the Archangel realized, his hand moving toward a sword of pure light. "From the Central Administration."
"And you're obstructing a formal inquiry," Aris countered. "Which, according to the *Divine Oversight Act*, is a forfeit of your sovereign immunity. Malphas! Serve the subpoena!"
Aris adjusted his spectacles as the Archangel's hand gripped the hilt of his light-sword. The air in the ballroom began to hum with the terrifying frequency of celestial wrath.
"Malphas," Aris said, his voice dropping to that dangerous, calm tone of a manager about to fire someone on a Friday afternoon. "He's resisting service. **The 'Public Outcry' protocol**, if you please. Let's show these investors what their 'Grace' is actually made of."
**"WITH AGONIZING BUREAUCRATIC PRECISION,"** Malphas replied.
The Lich didn't reach for a sword. He didn't even drop his "Baron Bone-White" disguise. Instead, he raised his spectral iron ruler and slammed it against the marble floor.
> **[SKILL ACTIVATED: Red Tape Entanglement - Class Action Edition]**
> *Target: Archangel of Internal Affairs*
> *Special Modifier: 'Public Disclosure'*
Suddenly, the Scepter of Eternal Radiance—the one Aris had just bought—shattered. But it didn't break into shards of glass; it dissolved into thousands of glowing, translucent scrolls. These scrolls didn't just float; they sought out the Archangel like heat-seeking missiles.
In an instant, the celestial being was wrapped from neck to wing-tip in crimson ribbons of binding legalese.
"What is this madness?!" the Archangel roared, his galaxy-eyes spinning in fury as he struggled against the paper bindings. "I am a Voice of the Heavens! You cannot bind a divine—"
"I'm not binding you with magic, Officer," Aris interrupted, stepping onto a chair so he could look the Archangel in the eye. "I'm binding you with **Chain of Custody**. Those ribbons? They're copies of the shipping manifests for every ounce of stolen XP this Temple has laundered in the last fiscal year."
As the ribbons tightened, they began to glow with a sickly, artificial light. The "Grace" that usually shimmered around the Archangel started to flake off like cheap gold paint, revealing the truth to the horrified nobles.
Underneath the divine radiance, the Archangel's power looked... grainy. Low-resolution.
"Look at his 'Radiance'!" Aris shouted to the crowd of nobles, pointing his pen like a weapon. "It's flickering! It's not Holy Light—it's compressed Squire souls! You've been buying 'Heavenly Artifacts' powered by the recycled lives of your own children!"
The ballroom erupted. The Duchess who had been skeptical earlier let out a shriek of horror as her own "Blessed" necklace began to leak a dark, oily smoke—the visual manifestation of unpaid "Soul Tax."
"You've committed **Consumer Fraud on a Cosmic Scale**," Aris said, leaning in close to the bound Archangel. "And my boss, the Goddess Eris, is a big fan of 'punitive damages.' Malphas, read him his rights."
**"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,"** Malphas boomed, his illusory disguise finally melting away to reveal the towering, grey-clad Lich. **"ANYTHING YOU MONOLOGUE CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST THE SUN GOD IN THE HIGH ASTRAL COURT. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY. IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD ONE, A PUBLIC DEFENDER FROM THE PITS OF DESPAIR WILL BE APPOINTED TO ACCUSE YOU."**
The Archangel let out a scream of celestial static, but the Red Tape was too strong. He was officially **Evidence Item B**.
Aris turned to the trembling Bishop behind the auction block. "Now, about that refund... and the keys to the Temple's vault. I believe we have a lot of 'unprocessed' souls to return to their rightful owners."
### **The "Spirit Award" Cliffhanger**
Aris has officially declared war on Heaven using nothing but a clipboard and a Lich. The "Central Administration" is going to have a lot of questions when they see his expense report for this one.