The air in Javier Hospitals garden always smells like a mix. Dry earth, a sign of life growing and eventually fading. Under the mango tree the universe seems to work differently; here the fast ticking of time usually controlled by IV drips and monitors stops. For us four this tree is our place. Where even for a few hours we aren't patients with numbers or medical cases to study but people with names, dreams and stories to share.
"Mia you've been zoning out. Did you forget where you are or are you just looking at my face?" Jerome joked, tapping my shoulder and bringing me back.
I shook my head. Smiled, trying to hide my worry that I might be losing my mind again. "Not really Jerome. I was just thinking about how pretty the clouds are today. Too blue for a place where we mostly see white."
Jerome is the lively and unpredictable in our group. He has a condition that makes him go up and down like a roller coaster. Sometimes he's the life of the ward. Singing, dancing and making us laugh.. There are days when he won't come out and we're worried. Today he's happy and full of energy.
"You know Mia we should enjoy this. Dr. Reyes said I need more Vitamin D to get stronger.. I think I just need some gossip to cure my brain tumor. That's more effective than chemo " Kim said, adjusting her bandana.
We laughed,. There was a bit of sadness underneath. Kim is the bravest among us. With stage 4 cancer and losing her hair she gives us strength. She's our "intelligence officer". She knows which nurse is on break, which intern made a mistake and which food to avoid.
"Did you see Dr. Reyes earlier Mia? His smile was something " Kim said, looking analytical. "It's like he's hiding something. Maybe there's medicine coming or maybe... Maybe someone is leaving."
We all got quiet. In Javier Hospital "leaving" means two things: either you're getting better and going home or your body is giving up. That silence changed the mood in the garden.
"I hope everything is okay for us " Ian whispered, his voice almost drowned out by the crickets.
Ian is the quietest and deepest among us. He sits in his wheelchair, his legs thin and lifeless. He had a motorcycle accident two years ago. His world has been limited to his chair.. His eyes are full of a kind of sadness and hope.
"Ian we're going to be okay " I said, stroking his shoulder. "Didn't you say you want to see the sea ? The real sea, not pictures?"
Ian nodded and a tear rolled down his cheek. "I just want to walk Mia. Just one step that I decide on. So I can feel like I still have control over my life."
That's when I realized we're like pillars of a crumbling building holding each other up. Kim is the pillar of joy reminding us to laugh. Jerome is the pillar of emotion showing us it's okay to feel messy. Ian is the pillar of truth reminding us of the value of every movement.. I... I am the pillar of emptiness. I need to be reminded of who I'm what I've shared with them.
"Lets not think about things!" Jerome shouted, standing up. "We should celebrate that Mia is awake! Mia did you know that I tried to court the head nurse? I gave her a flower I found in the lobby!"
We laughed harder sweeping the sadness away.. In the middle of our laughter I felt dizzy. My surroundings. Kim's voice became muffled.
*Not now... Please, not * I thought, gripping the chair tightly. I wanted to hear the end of Jerome's story.
"Mia? Mia are you okay? Nurse! Nurse!" Ian's voice was full of fear.
I fell heavily onto the grass. The last image I saw was my three friends worried faces before the darkness swallowed me again.
When I opened my eyes the familiar white ceiling greeted me. The smell of antiseptic. The cold air from the AC. The same scenario.
"Who am I?" I whispered to myself my voice sounding like a stranger. "And where am I?"
A familiar cycle had begun again. Every time I wake up it's a battle to remember who I am.. This time I saw a new face at the door. A tall man, with hair and eyes that seemed to carry their own story of pain and art. He was holding a sketchpad looking at me with wonder.
That was the time I saw Jade.. Even though I remembered nothing of the past hour I felt that this meeting would be the start of a story I would never forget.