"Damn it!"
Looking into the mirror, I see a failure, A failure that had its way to be successful. But fate had another path for him.
A 27 year old Unmarried virgin staying in an apartment that could be called a rat hole. With a single bed, a table, and a common bathroom. Why? Because I lost my job.
What is my name?
That doesn't matter. In this limitless cosmos, I am but a speck of dust.
Studied at a good college and got my Masters at Computer Science, with AI and Machine learning as the Base. Joined the first Company that took me in. At that time, I was like:
"What could go wrong?"
If I had an option to tell the old me, then I would have said 'everything'. Like how
Long and Strict work hours were,
like how A boss who doesn't care about a thing and points every failure to the employees. Like how
No planning, Like how No prediction for the future, leads to Exiting Clients
The typical.
I don't know how I stayed there as a software developer for 5 years.
One day, it all ended when my manager finally kicked me out. The reason? I still don't know! He never told me there was no reply. It came without a warning. I always did everything that was required of me and even helped other teams with their work when it got hard or went without a plan.
After leaving the company without any growth to show on paper, I am stuck.
Gone through hundreds of interviews.
Applying for one job after another.
I was like:
"Why the fuck are you guys giving job opportunities you really don't want to give away… Why the fuck are there 10,000 opportunities for the same job, and none want me?... Fuck Fuck!!"
As I got angry, I went for a walk.
A Normal walk to clear my mind. As I was walking along the road, I saw kids going back home from school, and people buying groceries for dinner. Lovers kissing. Lovers Kissing!!
'Get a room, you fuckers… why the fuck are you doing this in public? To show off?... To me, the virgin who didn't even kiss? At this point, I would die a virgin!!'
At that time, I didn't think it's gonna be true. When I was crossing the road.
"Hey!! Kid, why are you not looking at the road?"
A man yelled at me from across the road. And here it was.
A bus going at high speed is running out of time because it needs to transfer the passengers at the correct time, or it will get a pay cut. It's normal here. But unfortunately, that bus never reached its destination on time. Why? Because of me.
Lying down bloodied on the ground, it's me… I don't think you need an explanation of what happened.
I think I broke all my bones. I will never get to know if it is correct or not. Fading consciousness, my eyes are slowly getting darker. There is only one thing on my mind.
'Fuck!
...
This is how it's gonna end?
...
Without achieving anything?
...
What about my Computer history?'
If there is a next time, I will look much more deeply into job hunting, and I won't join the first company I get in. Maybe next time I will have a car, and this won't happen.
As the people got near me, I lost vision for the last time, and my consciousness finally faded.
And my heart beat for the last time.
…
…
…
It was all white... everything near me and far away... everything was white
"What happened to me?"
"Why am I seeing this?"
"Yeah, I remember I got hit by a bus."
"I died."
"Then why am I still alive?"
"What is this white space?"
Everything that is in front of me, behind me, center everything is clad in white.
In this white world i walked endlessly
Seconds passed into minutes, minutes passed into hours, hours passed into days
I don't know how long i am beeing walking in this world. In my mind:
"Why am I walking endlessly?"
"I am dead right... is this heaven?"
"That can't be, I am not a bad guy, but I am not good either... this cannot be heaven."
"No way... is my soul that disappointing to put into heaven or hell?"
I walked again... endlessly... There is no fatigue... not mentally nor physically. Looking bad, my life was not that bad. I had a loving family, good people I can call friends, and I had my own adventures. That job took everything away.
I return home not knowing what do every day, stressed to the core i don't sometimes even think of speaking to people who loved me or cared for me. I don't want to see myself as their failed son, an idiot friend who never gave up, even struggled for 5 years, even have nothing to show for the struggle.
Speaking of them... do they know that I am no longer... Did they cry?... Why do I care?
I want them to have a wonderful life, even without me... that never changed.
Maybe if there is a next life i would love to be with my family and friends as much as possible. Dying without saying the last 'I love you',' thank you', and apologizing one last time for my wrong doing from throught my life is kinda hard.
But again... they will understand, I was never a bad son nore bad friend to anyof them.
"Forget the depressing part, why the fuck am I still walking?"
"Is there no end to this?"
I don't know how much I walked... I don't know how much time I spent.
One thing is sure: there is no possible end to this.
"Hey! Gods, this is not funny. Send me to heaven or hell, this white space is giving me an headace."
"Do they exist in the first place?"
Suddenly, the white realm started to shake violently. Even myself. In my head, a voice, a sweet melodic voice, one that calms your mind and excites you at the same time. Each world flew like honey, resonating within me.
"My Sweet child"