Noah stood at the bow of the boat, his finger tracing the lines of his book, but his ears recorded every single word Chris McLean grinned into the camera.
As the boat jerked to a halt at the dock, Noah snapped his book shut and took a deep breath. "Okay, Noah. This is the moment where statistics suggest half your IQ will evaporate due to environmental factors," he thought.
As the others arrived, Noah leaned against the railing, arms crossed, judging the "lineup." Here are Noah's personal notes on his fellow campers:
The "Others" – Through Noah's Eyes:
* Beth: "A walking advertisement for orthodontics who thinks hugging the host grants immunity. Congrats, Beth, you managed to harass a narcissist in the first five seconds."
* DJ: "Seven feet of pure muscle and he's already crying about the decor. If the sight of a log cabin sends him into shock, what happens when he sees a spider? (Spoiler: The bunk bed pays the price.)"
* Gwen: "Finally, someone whose soul is as dark as mine. Too bad her contract was printed in more copies than the rest of these people have brain cells combined."
* Geoff: "A surfboard that somehow grew a body. I'm pretty sure his vocabulary consists of three words: 'dude,' 'party,' and 'what?', used in random order."
* Lindsay: "The girl who would probably forget how to breathe if there wasn't an app for it on her phone. 'You look familiar'? Yes, Lindsay, he's the guy currently kidnapping your summer."
* Heather: "The high school mean queen who thinks she's in charge. In reality, she's just a fashion disaster left over from the early 2000s who watched too many tactical movies."
* Duncan: "A juvie escapee who thinks his chains and piercings are intimidating. Honey, I've seen scarier faces at the library's late-fee desk."
* Tyler: "An athlete whose coordination is comparable to a drunk newborn giraffe. His entrance was a water-based catastrophe, but at least he ruined Heather's hair—the only useful thing he'll ever do."
* Harold: "A stick figure trying to survive the wilderness with a keyboard. His 'skills' probably peak at knowing every Star Wars dialogue backward in Elvish."
* Trent: "The guy with the guitar who thinks he's the protagonist of a rom-com. He's already looking at Gwen like he wants to sing her the entire periodic table as a lullaby."
* Bridgette: "A surfboard shipment that got lost on the way. Nice girl, but the fact that she's smiling at Geoff means her taste is also at the bottom of the ocean."
* Leshawna: "The island's self-appointed megaphone. Confident, loud, and honestly the only one capable of strangling Chris with her bare hands if the food isn't vegan enough."
* Katie & Sadie: "Conjoined twins whom fate (and genetics) accidentally placed in two separate bodies. If one sneezes, the other blows her nose—it's going to be a long eight weeks of listening to them."
* Ezekiel: "This poor guy fell straight out of the 19th century; I honestly feel bad for him because he's going to get slaughtered instantly. But that moment he told Chris he saw a 'bird' with trash around its neck... well, that was the most honest and depressing moment of the season so far."
* Cody: "The guy who thinks he's Mr. Suave but is actually just an annoying mosquito. Leshawna shushed him like a naughty kid on a bus."
* Eva: "An anger management issue with legs. I'm pretty sure she only came here so she could legally hit someone on camera."
* Owen: "A human-sized marshmallow with enough energy to power a small city. He hugged Chris? I hope Chris has disinfectant, because Owen's sweat is probably radioactive."
* Courtney: "The 'perfect' camper already quoting the rulebook. Courtney, darling, this is a reality show—the rules are worth about as much as a used tissue."
* Justin: "Human Photoshop. Chris admitted he's only here for his looks—finally, a moment of honesty. Justin just stands there 'existing,' which clearly exhausts his brain."
* Izzy: "A psychotic squirrel who used her face to cushion the dock. The fact that she stood up and immediately started asking questions proves her brain is either made of rubber or simply non-existent."
The Group Photo and The Collapse
When Chris ordered everyone to the end of the dock, Noah stood on the far edge, trying to stay as far away as possible from Owen's sweat and Izzy's wet hair.
Noah: "Chris, I don't want to be a killjoy, but this dock is structurally more unstable than Lindsay's logic. I'm pretty sure this wood was last load-bearing when mammoths were still around."
Chris: "Just smile and don't be a know-it-all, Noah! Say: Cheese!"
The Group: "Cheese!"
CRACK.
The dock gave way. Noah had just enough time for a smug "I told you so" expression before plunging into the salt water with the others. As he surfaced, Owen landed right next to him with a massive splash.
Noah: (Spitting out water) "Wonderful. Now I know what a crouton in a soup feels like right before a giant tries to eat it."
The Bonfire and the Screaming Gophers
At the bonfire, Noah received his marshmallow (which he eyed suspiciously, as if it were poisoned) and was assigned to the Screaming Gophers.
Noah: "Screaming Gophers? Seriously? That was the best you had? Why didn't we just go with 'The Guaranteed Losers' or 'Chris McLean's Doormats'? At least it would be honest."
In the cabin, Noah watched as Heather and Gwen began their catfight. When Cody entered the girls' side, Noah stood in the doorway.
Noah: "Cody, if you think you're getting in there, you're even more optimistic than I am, and I actually expected this place to have Wifi. Let's go before Heather casts a dark hex on you or Gwen simply buries you with her stare."
Then came the cockroach incident.
While everyone was screaming and DJ was dismantling half the cabin in a panic, Noah just leaned against the doorframe, watching the scene. Duncan split the bug in half with an axe.
Noah: "Wow. An axe against a cockroach? Real hero move, Duncan. Next time maybe call in a tank if you see an ant. Tyler, quit flexing for Lindsay—the only thing you did was almost faint at the sight of it."
The Main Lodge and Dinner
Chef Hatchet slapped the "food" down in front of them—it looked mostly like radioactive sludge.
Noah: (Poking the mass with a spoon) "Chef, this stuff just tried to say hello. Is there a warranty, or does it come with food poisoning pre-installed, or do I have to request that separately?"
Chef: "EAT AND SHUT IT!"
Noah: "Understood. I love it when my dinner is aggressive."
When Chris announced the cliff jump, Noah looked up at the massive height, then at the trembling Katie standing next to him.
Noah: "Relax, Katie. DJ says it won't be hard. And as we know, DJ has the credibility of a man who just broke a bunk bed over a bug. So... should we start writing our wills now?"