Hades rolled over in bed, ready to snuggle up against his wife—only to find her side empty. The sheets were still warm, so she couldn't have been gone long.
Just as he was summoning the will to drag himself from their very comfortable bed, Persephone walked back into the room, wiping her hair down with a towel. Cerberus was toddling behind her, tail wagging excitedly and drooling all over the floor. All three of his heads.
"Morning, sleepyhead!" Persephone greeted with a sunny smile. She walked over to the bed and bent down to give Hades a quick peck on the cheek.
He pouted when she immediately pulled away. "Where did you go so early?"
"Cerby needed to go out, didn't you, boy?" she cooed in a baby voice, scratching behind one of the hound's ears. Persephone retrieved what looked like an invitation card from the pocket of her gown, eyes dancing with laughter. "Hermes came by to deliver this while we were out on our walk. She bent down to kiss the top of Cerberus' head.
Hades glared at his dog. Those pets and kisses were supposed to be his.
"What is it?"
"See for yourself," Persephone giggled, handing him the card.
Hades choked on his spit when he read it. "Ares is fighting Thor?"
"Apparently, Zeus and the other thunder gods all turned down Thor's invitation for a last god standing brawl. Thor took offense and showed up on Mount Olympus unannounced to demand Zeus change his mind. He and Ares wound up in an argument, and now it's become a whole thing." She rolled her eyes. "What do you think? Should we take the kids and head to Olympus for the festivities?"
"Do we have to?" Hades groaned, slumping back onto the bed and covering his face with a pillow.
Persephone snatched it away. "We don't have to, but I want to. I know you like to turn your nose up at Olympians and their shenanigans, but the kids can't stay holed up in the Underworld forever. They have family in Olympus and I want Meli and Ziggy to bond with them."
Hades pouted. "Why? Nothing good rarely comes from consorting with that lot. The kids are better off having absolutely no attachments to Zeus and the others, if you ask me."
Persephone let out a huff of frustration and crossed her arms. "Maybe. Maybe not. Putting the family issue aside; think about this, when are we ever going to see something like this again? Two different pantheons gathered to watch two hot-headed gods go at it. Chaos is bound to ensue, and I want to be there to see it," she said with a mischievous grin.
Hades sat up and narrowed his eyes at her. "Since when do you enjoy chaos?"
Persephone laughed. "Darling, it's like you don't even know me sometimes. Didn't I run off to the Underworld to become your wife and queen, thus sending my mother into the mother of all tailspins?"
"If we're being technical, I kidnapped you.
"Yes, but I chose to eat those pomegranate seeds and bind myself to you and the Underworld. The mortals call me the Dread Queen for a reason," she said, batting her lashes and placing her hands on her hips. "But if you don't want to take the day off and go, that's fine. I'll just attend by myself. I'm sure my mother would be thrilled to spend more time with me, even though it's your turn to have custody of me."
Hades frowned. "You know I hate it when you call it that. And there's no need to taunt me with your mother; I'll go."
As much as the Olympians got on his nerves, Hades couldn't deny that he, too, was curious about the match. Which was why, some hours later, he and Persephone were waiting by their chariot for Melinoë and Zagreus to join them for the trip to Mount Olympus.
They heard Melinoë's witch-like cackle first, moments before she and Zagreus emerged from the shaded hallway. Persephone let out a distressed yelp when she caught sight of Zagreus.
"Heavens! What have you done to your gorgeous hair?" she cried, rushing over to him and forcing him to lower his head.
"It's just hair. It'll grow back," Zagreus huffed in exasperation while Persephone continued to fuss.
When he finally raised his head and met Hades' gaze, the god of the Underworld choked on air.
"Did you have to shave your eyebrows too? You look like a... like..." He exhaled and placed his hands on his hips and shook his head.
"He looks like a deformed reptile. You can say it, Dad," Melinoë said, cackling again. "His head's rounder and smoother than Sisyphus' boulder."
Zagreus scowled at her. "You're one to talk. If Hephaestus ever runs out of materials to forge with, I'll point him in your direction. You've got enough metal on you to craft an armoury."
"All right, children, no fighting," Hades said, stepping in between them. "And don't let our words get to you, son. All that matters is that you're comfortable in your skin." He clamped a hand on Zagreus' shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
"Is he, though? He changes his look so often I've started to forget what he actually looks like," Melinoë quipped.
Zagreus started to reply, but Persephone stepped in and ordered everyone onto the chariot including Cerberus, who refused to be left behind. If they let Zagreus and Melinoë get into it, their bickering would never stop.
***
The arena on Mount Olympus was abuzz with activity, every seat filled. Hades recognized most of the Grecian gods and beings who had come to witness the spectacle. The Aesir had shown up in force, occupying a full quarter of the stands singing and chanting at the tops of their lungs.
"Looks like Dionysus has found his people," Hades commented as they made their way to their seats.
Dionysus was nestled among the Aesir, already three sheets to the wind as he chugged casks of mead. Hades shook his head, recalling the time Thor had brought mead to his therapy session.
"And this is where we leave you," Melinoë announced. "I think I'll join Dionysus and mingle with our guests see what flavour of crazy they are." She winked and flounced off before either Persephone or Hades could caution her to behave.
The latter two exchanged a glance, then turned pointed looks toward Zagreus. He let out a beleaguered sigh and followed after his sister. "I'll make sure she doesn't get into too much trouble."
"Zeus is waving us over." Persephone tugged Hades toward where his brother stood with Hera at his side, engaged in conversation with Odin and Poseidon.
"Ah, there he is! My eldest brother. The feelings doctor I told you about, Odin!" Zeus bellowed, loud enough for the entire arena to hear.
"Fates take me, he's drunk already," Hades muttered under his breath.
"And Hera looks about ready to club him over the head. Maybe there'll be more than one brawl today," Persephone replied, her lips barely moving as she spoke. She wore what she called her professional smile, pasted neatly across her face. Sweet and demure.
While she liked Hera well enough, Persephone's tolerance for Zeus was perpetually running on empty. Zeus made the introductions as Hermes stepped into the arena and announced the start of the competition.
"I thought this was going to be a brawl. Why are they bringing out so many barrels?" Hades whispered to Persephone.
Poseidon overheard and replied. "The Norse thunderer thought a simple brawl would be too boring, so he requested the fight be split into three stages. First, to see who can drink the most mead and nectar."
"And the second round will be an axe-throwing contest. Apparently it'll be more interesting to do this while inebriated," Hera chimed in.
Zeus harrumphed. "No doubt Ares' idea. Such an unimaginative contest for the so-called lord of bloodshed. Were it up to me, I would've suggested something more challenging like a hunt."
"Your horse is mighty high for someone who turned down Thor's challenge, husband. And let's be honest, bed sport is more your speed," Hera commented mildly, taking a sip of wine.
You'd swear Boreas had swept past with how the air chilled at Hera's remark. Zeus glared at his wife, while Hades and those seated nearby struggled to keep a straight face.
Ares and Thor were both bare-chested as they stepped into the arena. Thor's face and sculpted torso were streaked with woad. He swaggered across the stage, fist raised high, his bellows rising above the crowd's cheers. Mjöllnir was nowhere in sight — odd, considering Thor claimed he couldn't bear to be parted from the hammer.
While Ares wasn't as flashy or loud, there was a quiet cockiness to him as he sat on his stool and smirked at Thor. The two gods each grabbed a barrel and lifted it to their lips.
"This could take a while. Ares is drinking buddies with Dionysus, he can throw it back with the best of them. I would've preferred to see them duke it out instead," Poseidon grumbled, stroking his beard. He nearly fell off his seat when Hermes popped out of thin air in a seat behind him.
"Fear not, Uncle! I had the same fears as you, so I decided to spice up the contest," Hermes said with a saucy laugh.
"What did you do?" Hades asked, instantly suspicious.
"I added lotus and a few other psychotropic herbs to the ambrosia and mead."
Hera turned and fixed her foster son with a glare. "Drugs don't work on gods."
"That's true! But I met this interesting fellow by the name of Loki... technically he snuck up on me while I was uh… You know what, never mind what I was doing. Anyway, we got to talking about this and that, and we both agreed the whole thing would be way more entertaining if Thor and Ares weren't exactly in their right minds. So Loki enchanted the herbs, and now... we wait for the real fun to begin." Hermes blurted it all out in one breath, barely comprehensible.
Zeus heard every word and promptly collapsed into a fit of laughter.
Hades fixed his nephew with a look as sharp as a spear. "What have I told you about giving in to your impulses?" he scolded.
"See, you call it an impulse; I say it's a burst of creativity. And you know what they say about stifling one's creativity," Hermes retorted.
"What do they say?" Persephone asked, genuinely curious.
"No idea. Now, if you'll excuse me, I want to watch this from the best seat in the house." Hermes zoomed off before anyone could get another word in.
Thor and Ares were knocking back barrels with ease, one after the other. But by the sixth drink, it became clear something was off. The spectators watched in growing fascination as the two gods began hurling slurred insults at each other and their coordination visibly worsened. Thor let out a belch that reverberated through the arena, shaking the ground beneath them. After each round, Ares either tossed the empty barrel over his shoulder and into the ground, smashed it with his bare hands, or hurled it skyward to Fates-knew-were.
"Uh, who's that?" Persephone asked, pointing to a god who had suddenly appeared beside Thor in the arena, whispering in his ear.
"That would be Loki," Zeus replied from his seat. "A trickster god. Odin warned he might stir up trouble."
Whatever Loki whispered to Thor had the thunderer breaking out in rambunctious laughter.
"A most excellent idea, Loki!" Thor exclaimed. He stood up toppling his stool over and had to hold onto Loki for support as he swayed on his feet. "Atreides! How about we make this more interesting?"
"It's Ares, you deformed bear!" Ares snapped. His face was a concerning shade of red. His blinks were sluggish like he was on the verge of passing out.
"Why don't we combine bof—" A loud belch. "Bottthhh challenges? For each barrel we consume, we take a turn at axe frowing!" he slurred.
Ares perked up and jumped to his feet. He was swaying so much it was a wonder he didn't fall face first into the dirt packed ground. "Hephaestus, raise the targets!" he roared.
Six human-shaped automatons walked onto the arena and lined up a hundred meters from the throw line.
"Perhaps we should move from here," Hera suggested. Although they sat high up in the arena, they were directly in the line of Ares and Thor's aim.
"And make myself look like a coward in front of our guests? Its fine, Hera. Even if their aim is off, nothing will happen to you on my watch," Zeus reassured her and patted her thigh. Hera shoved his hand away.
Sure enough, Ares' first throw missed the target by a wide margin, embedding itself in the side of the arena. His second throw flew into the crowd and nearly maimed Hestia, but she melted the axe down to ash before it could reach her. Out of six throws, only two found their mark and even those wouldn't be considered instant kill shots in battle. One lopped off an automaton's arm; the other severed a different automaton's leg.
Thor let out a pig-like snort. He emptied another barrel of mead and stepped up to the throw line. "This is how a true marksman does it," he boasted.
He picked up the axe and swung his arm back, ready to launch it at the target. But before he could let go, the blade slipped off the handle, missing his heel by a hairsbreadth.
Ares couldn't contain his bawdy laughter and neither could the audience. "Oh, you showed me, all right… Showed me that you're full of shit!"
"That wasn't my fault! Obviously you loosened the blade to make me look like a fool," Thor accused, his face beet red from embarrassment or alcohol. Huffing and puffing, Thor picked up another axe and threw. This one managed to land a couple of inches from the automaton's feet.
"Nice shot!" Ares said, giving a slow, sarcastic clap.
Thor let out a frustrated scream and, without warning, charged at Ares and tackled him to the ground.
"Fiiiiiiight!" Someone in the audience yelled. The rest of the crowd picked up the chant as Thor and Ares wrestled in the dirt.
Thor pinned Ares down, wrapped a hand around his neck, and began applying pressure. Ares tried to throw him off. When that failed, he dug his fingers into the packed sand and flung a fistful into Thor's eyes. Using the moment of distraction, Ares pushed Thor off and scrambled to his feet. Then he landed a nasty uppercut that sent Thor stumbling backward.
"Bastard!" Thor roared, wiping blood from his split lip.
"There's only one bastard on this field, Thor. My parents were very much married when I was conceived," Ares smirked.
Thor saw red. He held out his hand and called for his hammer.
Seconds ticked by. No sign of Mjöllnir.
"Are you attempting to telepathically strangle me, then? Or are you posing for a painting?" Ares mocked.
Thor flexed his hand and tried once more to summon Mjöllnir. Still nothing.
Ares laughed at the constipated expression Thor wore as he stood with his hand outstretched, mumbling under his breath as he flexed his hand. He'd been looking forward to a worthy competition, but this had turned into a bad comedy and he'd grown tired of it.
"You!" Thor yelled, a thick vein pulsing between his eyes. "What have you done to Mjöllnir?"
"Who?"
"My hammer, dammit! It's not answering my summons. You must've hidden it away somewhere."
"Now why would I do that?" Ares chuckled, arms crossed.
"Give it back before I knock your head off your shoulders," Thor threatened.
"You could try but we both know who the stronger one is between us," Ares said, stepping forward.
"Yeah. Me!" Thor spat and charged.
Ares dodged the first punch and swept his leg out, tripping Thor to knock him off balance. Excited cheers erupted around the arena as the two finally stopped holding back. The force of their blows shook the ground. Gusts of wind kicked up thick clouds of dust. Thunder rumbled in the heavens, and the scent of rain soaked the air.
Panic rippled through the crowd as the fight spilled beyond the designated ground. Spectators trampled over each other trying to escape the path of destruction. Thor sent Ares flying into the stands right toward the section where Zeus, Hera, Hades, Persephone, Odin, and other notable deities were seated. The gods quickly took to the skies as Ares crashed into the stands.
"My word!" Hera gasped, taking in Ares' blood-soaked, savage smile as he got to his feet. She tugged at Zeus' arm. "You need to stop them!"
"Why? This is more entertaining than those childish games we were forced to watch earlier."
"They'll kill each other at this rate. Aphrodite, help me talk some sense into Ares," Hera demanded.
Aphrodite shook her head. "This is what Ares lives for. Look at him he's having the time of his life."
The words had barely left her lips when an explosion shook the arena.
Persephone coughed, waving a hand in front of her face. The dust was suffocating; they couldn't even see Thor and Ares anymore. "Where did they go?"
Another explosion boomed in the distance. All the gods rushed toward it to see how the fight was faring. Ares and Thor were duking it out in Demeter's personal garden, hurling decorative statues and uprooting trees to use as weapons.
"I will kill them both. Turn them into compost for my garden," Demeter bit out through clenched teeth. She started to fly down to her garden, but Persephone grabbed her arm.
"Mother, are you crazy? You can't step into a fight between two war gods!"
Demeter unhooked Persephone's hand from hers. "I am older and stronger than those two brutes. They couldn't touch me if they tried," she sniffed.
The fight moved on to another part of Olympus: Hephaestus' forge. Ares and Thor tore through it, using whatever weapons they could find, and still Zeus and Odin refused to intercede as the destruction continued. Eventually, Ares punched Thor through a gate that led from Mount Olympus to the Underworld.
"Honey!" Persephone turned to Hades, eyes wide with alarm.
Hades sighed and followed after them. Since they were fighting in his realm now, no one could dispute his right to step in and stop the pointless brawl. He found them duking it out on the banks of the Phlegethon, neither giving a second thought to the river's blazing flames. Ares was yanking Thor's hair and kneeing him in the stomach, trying to dislodge Thor's teeth from his arm.
Hades commanded the flames to rise, forming a wall between them, forcing the two gods to jump back.
"Look at you two pulling hair and biting like children. And you call yourselves warrior gods? Pathetic," Hades said, shaking his head.
"He stole my hammer!" Thor pointed an accusatory finger at Ares.
Ares threw his hands in the air. "For the last time, I don't have your stupid hammer!"
"You're stupid!" Thor shot back weakly. "And a weak-ass who fights dirty!"
"Excuse me?" Ares held up his arm, showing off Thor's bite marks.
"Children! Children! Please calm down," Hades snickered, amused by their behaviour. "Let's just agree to call this a draw, okay? And Thor, I'm not completely sure, but Loki and Hermes have been whispering and giggling with each other all day I suspect they may be the culprits you're looking for. And fair warning? Demeter is out for blood, so I suggest you offer to repair her gardens when you return to Olympus if you value your lives."
Ares who rarely cowered before anything turned pale at that ominous statement, which in turn made Thor uneasy.
"Is she that terrifying, this Demeter?" he asked.
"Maybe the most terrifying creature in existence," Hades quipped, before marching the two wayward gods out of his realm.