*Friday
What does people mean when they say, 'I'm alive?' or 'It's alive?' Is it when something is capable of breathing air, making sound, and/or eating? When they could think? When something is simply playing the game of survival?
We tend to call something that does not breathe a she, does not eat a he, does not think, us. Take the example of a car owner. If the car is good enough, they'd start to treat their machine as their own children. In fact, some treat it better than their own flesh and blood. So is it alive then?
Maybe just existing is enough. Being and having been—known and seen. Like Albert Einstein, who is long dead, and he's still being talked about—some with admiration, some with hatred. The guy doesn't feel like he died decades ago.
So, where is the line?
Is the table in front of me alive? The couch? The window? The wall? If they're not, why are they watching me with judging eyes? And how are they able to talk?
"What are you still doing here all alone?" says the wall. I fail to find his mouth anywhere on his flesh made of white bricks.
"The bell hasn't rung."
I answered. I talked to the wall.
The table screams, "But your student left almost half an hour ago; you have no reason to be here anymore."
"I want to see Sohee. If I stick around longer, she might come in here."
"What are you still doing here all alone?" The wall, now louder.
"I have answered that."
He repeats his question.
I ignored him, finding no point responding to the wall.
"Why not give her a call so you can be done with this quickly?" The table suggests. He assumes himself to be smart since people put books on top of his head but I know damn well this thing has no brain.
"If you want to get out quickly," The window cries, "throw yourself at me!"
"Oh, shut up; if the man listen to you, he'd be falling to his death."
"A quick and painless death!"
"There's nothing painless about smashing his head through your glasses."
"It's fine. Everything's going back to normal…"
"Who told you that?"
"The man himself! After the girl did!"
"Is this true? Do you remember any of that, human? If you did, maybe you should do what the window says."
—" Enough," I rub my temple as if trying to get out of this headache. "I'm not going to kill myself."
"But you're looking so sad."
"I'm not sad, I'm just lost on what to do."
A week has passed since I became the tutor, and I haven't made a single progress toward… whatever The One Who Puts Me Here asks me to do. If I don't act, the loop will.
Few ideas. But I have little faith if they're coming out of my head. So I want someone smart and trustworthy to run over it.
As if summoned by my thoughts, the door creaks open.
The eyes that were watching, the voices talking, all disappeared in the instant.
"Sunbae?" She tilts her head. A stack of papers on top of her arms, "Are you talking to someone just now?"
"Hm? Ah, yeah, I was on a phone."
"That's so."
She sets the pile on the table and tosses herself on the couch… just close enough near me.
The smell of burnt sugar and berries enters my nostrils.
"Finally, I can get some rest," she says, exhaling and giving me a sheepish smile. "I'm not being rude, right, Sunbae?"
"Even if you are; you deserved it."
That one wasn't a lie. In fact I think she deserves more than that. Maybe the truth. How would she take it? Would her anger take over? Ran to my neck and held it close? she can do that, I won't even lay a finger as she takes my breath away.
But I couldn't see that happening anytime soon. If she knew, it wouldn't ever be from my mouth.
"Just this once…" Sohee melt. Her blazer is slightly loosened, revealing her white blouse.
Which reminds me of what happened with Shizuka yesterday.
My body is getting a little excited.
"Sunbae, you better not tell anyone, not even Maria, okay?"
"Why? People ought to know you're cuter when you're relaxed."
Her face flushes, "Eep! Don't, don't be joking about me like that, Sunbae. I… I could have the wrong idea?"
"I wasn't joking, though."
The pink eyes behind the round glasses search for my attention. Here, Sohee, I'm looking at you. The color of her cheeks is almost as pink as the strands of her hair brushing them.
The air suddenly thickens. I can hear our breathing.
Then the pinks turn away, tidying the stack, which is already as hard as a brick.
"S–So, how's it with Shizuka today?"
"She never stops being on her laptop."
"Geez, that girl.. She is just so… arrogant. I'm sorry, Sunbae; the girls must've been a pain to… worry about. Nelly, too, she hasn't been going to class nowadays, and she won't tell me why."
"About the girls, I have something to ask you about, Sohee."
Her big doll-like eyes dart to my face, "what's wrong?"
"As of right now, can you see me succeeding, Sohee?"
"We—Well…"
That pretty much tells me what her answer is.
I let that sink in her thoughts for a while.
Then I hit her with another: "I'm thinking of changing my approach."
She stops her hand, "Sunbae?"
Ehem. Just as we practiced. Here we go. "I've wasted my time by just sitting here. I know you said that the girls will eventually come around and join the class, as they did before me. But I can't be like the other teachers who've failed. I need to learn from them."
Sohee is fidgeting with her sleeve, waiting for me to continue.
"So I decided to approach the girls differently. I am going after the girls, as both a tutor and a… friend."
She stares at herself for a moment,"Sunbae, but the girls are very hostile toward you. They won't take it as a good thing if Sunbae starts to poke around their life. Especially if it comes about their personal life outside."
"They already hated me anyway. There's much more to gain but lose really."
Shizuka probably thought of me as a mere play doll. Varrie, a rapist. Nelly, a big, scary monster that chews her skin like a gummy bear. And Carrie, nothing. We need to make them see me in a better light. Only then, maybe I can start 'fixing' these girls. As I was intended to do here.
"I don't know, Sunbae," she tightened her lips, "going for the girl outside… that might cross the line a little."
"The way I see it, the line is what kept them like this. I wanted to help them, Sohee. But I can't reach any of them if I stay inside."
Sohee refuses to look at my face anymore. Maybe she doesn't want me to see it, but I do anyway. She's afraid I'm beginning to convince her. Just a little push.
I move my hand closer to her. She twitches for a beat… yet holds it still. My touch reaches her knuckles. "But I can't do it if you don't help me, Sohee."
"Sunbae, I don't think I could do anything much to help."
She could. Sohee is in charge of the girls, right? Then she knows a lot more about the girls than just the rumors. Like their home address. Their parents' names. Their history. She knows this, of course. In fact, she might know that I'm asking her for that.
Then this is not the right time to ask her for the girls' private information. I can't make it so obvious that I only need her help for this reason. No, I have to let her know I need her in every way.
She has to feel responsible for my success.
Only then, when the time comes, she won't hesitate to help.
"Sohee, I need you just like this."
The pinks make contact with me once again. They are hungry for my words.
So I feed them, "Just stay at my side."
A moment, it takes. Her face washes with relief. A smile breaks out on her face.
"Sunbae… I…" Her eyes tear up a little; her fingers hold mine back. "I will."
"Let's help them together, okay?"
"Mhn!" She nods happily.
Not knowing what she got herself into.