It's raining…
I don't know when it started, but by the time I realized it, raindrops were already falling. I stared out the window, where water droplets clung to the glass. The overcast sky sometimes made me feel lonely, yet I still loved looking up at it.
They say I look at the sky in a positive light… and they're right. How could I ever see you in a negative light? You said you can't be anyone's sky… Is that so? But even so, you'll always be my one and only sky.
No matter what happens, you're the only person I'll always look for. That will never change, no matter how you feel. I won't change. We were stuck at a red light before turning into my dorm. After spending the day together, P' Fah had hurried to take me back when the rain began. I glanced at him briefly before turning back.
P' Tonfah…
I once asked him about the meaning of his name. He said his father wanted him to be a sky, vast and unreachable, a sky everyone would look up to. His mother, on the other hand, wanted him to be a tree, resilient to the wind, yet never breaking, a place for others to find shade and rest.
P'Tonfah has always lived up to his parents' wishes: a sky above everyone else, a tree offering shade. Meanwhile, I'm just someone who happened to stumble upon this tree, choosing to stay under its shelter without moving on, even though I know I can't stay here forever.
"This traffic is awful," P' Fah said, breaking my thoughts.
"Yeah," I replied, snapping out of my daze. I looked ahead at the congested road. Rain always seemed to make traffic worse. The cars hadn't moved for a while.
I was startled by a knock on the driver's side window. A black motorcycle had pulled up next to us. The rider, dressed in leather and wearing a black helmet, tapped the window with the back of his hand.
P'Fah glanced over, frowning slightly before rolling the window down just a crack to avoid letting the rain in. This kept the rider from seeing me inside, and I couldn't see his face either, as he only lifted his visor slightly.
"Where were you?" P' Fah asked.
"Had some errands. I'm here now," the rider replied.
"Riding in the rain without a raincoat? You'll catch a cold."
"I'll be fine," he retorted.
"Where are you headed?"
"Back to my condo. Damn rain." His voice was muffled by the rain but carried an annoyed tone. "What about you?"
"Heading back as well," P' Fah replied. "Ride safe."
"Yeah, you too. See you." With that, he closed his visor and sped off as the light turned green.
Meanwhile, the cars had to wait a bit longer for the queue to move forward.
"Uh… was that a friend?" I asked.
"Yeah."
I watched the black motorcycle as it sped away. He was riding so fast in such heavy rain, it seemed dangerous.
"That's risky," I muttered, causing P' Fah to smile slightly.
"That's just how he is," P' Fah replied.
"I see…" I nodded, trying to understand. But I couldn't help wondering what kind of person P' Fah's friend was. He seemed so different from P' Fah. "What's his name?"
"Johan. Why?"
"Nothing, he just seems... um…"
"Interested?" P' Fah teased.
"N-no, not at all!" I stammered.
"If I were to introduce a friend, Johan would be the last person I'd recommend," P' Fah said casually, though with a slight smile.
"Actually, maybe second last."
Introduce a friend… to me?
"Why's that?"
"He's a flirt, even though he's great in other ways."
"What if… you did introduce someone?" I asked softly, my heart inexplicably racing.
"Maybe Hill. He's the best option."
"Because he's a good person?"
"Exactly."
No, P' Fah… You're the best for me.
"Why do you think about introducing someone to me?" I asked.
"I was just thinking it'd be good for you to have someone to look after you," he said. "If anyone's going to take care of my little brother, I'd want them to be someone trustworthy."
"Oh… okay."
"If Typhoon dates someone, they'd have to pass Fah first, right?"
"Probably."
"Then they'd have to pass me too."
"…Okay."
His little brother…I used to want clarity, even though everything was already clear. This is enough… it has to be. When his sleek car pulled into the front of my dorm, I noticed the odd darkness, none of the lights were on, even though the neighboring dorms were brightly lit.
"Power outage again?"
"Looks like it," I said, glancing inside anxiously. I'd only been here a few days, and this was the second time already.
"Can you manage?"
"Well… honestly…" I hesitated. I wanted to say I'd be fine, but looking inside made me tremble. I'd have to walk through the dark building, climb the stairs, and endure the pitch darkness in my room.
"Then stay with me tonight," he offered.
"I-I'm sorry for troubling you again."
"It's no trouble," he said with a warm smile as he turned the car around and drove back toward his condo. "Typhoon ?"
"Yes?" I replied quickly at the sound of my name.
"How long have you been staying here now?"
"Not even a week."
"How's the room?"
"It's… okay."
"Do you hear noises from the neighbors often?"
"Sometimes."
"What about the hot water and air conditioning?"
"The hot water doesn't work, and the air conditioning isn't great."
"Thought so," he said calmly.
"Why?"
"Two power outages in less than a week, while the neighboring dorms are fine," he explained. "Did you check the place out before moving in?"
"No… my dad picked it for me."
"I see…"
"Is something wrong?"
"Your dad might not have done enough research. From what I've found, this dorm doesn't have a great reputation, despite the high rent."
"Oh…" His words stung more than I expected. I'd felt a flicker of happiness knowing my dad had chosen this place, thinking it meant he cared. But now…
"You should consider moving," he suggested.
"I can't. I just moved in."
"Move out. I'll help you find a new place," P' Fah said firmly.
"But my dad has already handled it. He's paid for everything."
"It's okay. I'll talk to him," P' Fah reassured me.
I fell silent, unsure how to respond to his seriousness. Shortly after, we arrived at P' Fah's condo. As we entered his room, I noticed something new, a hanging chair near the window.
"You didn't have this last time," I remarked, staring at it.
"I just got it," he explained. The hanging chair was placed by the window, with a small table in front and a sofa on the other side. It looked like a cozy relaxation spot.
"Can I sit in it?"
"Sure."
With his permission, I sat in the chair, enjoying the rain outside the window. It was incredibly calming. I loved sitting there, letting my thoughts drift as I gazed out. Looking up, I saw the sky from this angle, and it was stunning.
The last time I came, I hadn't noticed. The sky from this perspective was beautiful. It's a pity P' Fah doesn't enjoy looking at the sky as much as I do, even though it's breathtaking from here.
"Can I have your dad's number?" he asked.
"Huh?"
"I want to talk to him about you moving out."
"Um..."
"Unless you don't want to move? If you're okay staying, that's fine too."
"...Okay." I handed him my dad's number. If P' Fah thought the dorm wasn't good, it probably wasn't. Still, I didn't like the idea of him talking to my dad much.
Please don't let my dad be angry...
"Hello, Uncle. It's Tonfah," P' Fah began.
(Oh, Tonfah! How are you? It's been a while,) my dad replied on the line.
"I'm good, Uncle. How about you?"
(I'm doing well. How are your parents?)
"They're good, too."
(That's great! So, what's the occasion for this call?)
"It's about Typhoon."
(Typhoon? What about him?)
"It's about his dorm," P' Fah explained.
(Dorm 7, right? Wait, is he with you now?)
"No, we just happened to meet because I'm studying here too."
(Oh, I didn't know you were studying there as well.)
"Yes. But about the dorm..."
(What's wrong with it?)
"I think it's better if Typhoon moves out. That dorm isn't very good. There was a murder there two years ago, which led to most tenants leaving. With fewer residents, the management hasn't been taking care of it properly. Electrical and plumbing systems aren't reliable, and even the appliances don't work well. It would be better if Typhoon moved."
(A murder? Then why is the rent so high?)
"Exactly. The rent doesn't match the quality."
(Can't you just negotiate the rent? Moving out would be such a hassle. I already paid the deposit.)
"I don't think Typhoon can stay there comfortably, Uncle."
(Just endure it. The murder happened two years ago, it's not a big deal anymore.)
"Alright, if that's what you prefer."
(Did Typhoon tell you anything about this?)
"No, why?"
(Just checking. Say hi to your parents for me. I'll visit when I have time.)
"Sure. By the way, Uncle, there's one more thing."
(What is it?)
"Typhoon doesn't seem well. He's not eating, barely sleeping, and his mental state doesn't seem stable. I'm worried about him."
(Is that so?)
"Yes. Is something going on with him?"
(No, that's just how he is. Nothing to worry about.)
"Alright."
(Anything else?)
"No, that's all. Take care, Uncle."
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───
"Typhoon ," P' Fah called as he approached me after his call. I'd been anxious about what he and my dad talked about, but his calm demeanor reassured me.
"What did my dad say?"
"He agreed. Tomorrow, we'll start the process to move you to a new place."
"Oh, really?" I muttered, surprised. My dad? Agreeing so easily?
"Thank you for talking to him."
"No problem," P' Fah said with a small smile. "Go take a shower and change. I've prepared clothes for you."
"Okay, thanks."
I thanked him again before heading to the bathroom. Since I hadn't brought any clothes, I had to borrow some of his. As I was about to start my shower, my phone rang.
It was my dad.
Seeing his name on the screen made my hands tremble. He rarely called me, almost never.
"Hello," I answered hesitantly after debating whether to pick up.
"What did you tell Tonfah?"
"Nothing."
"Are you planning to tell him about Fun? You're already a disappointment to me, don't make me lose face as well. What if his parents find out?"
His harsh tone made tears well up in my eyes. I fought to keep my voice steady.
"I didn't tell him anything about Torfun."
"Good. You know you'd only be hated if you did."
"...Yes."
"You know why I've distanced myself from that family, right?"
"Yes, to keep them from finding out about Torfun."
Dad had always been concerned about his reputation. When Torfun passed away, he cut ties with P' Fah's family entirely to prevent them from learning the truth.
"And about you. Yet here you are, involving yourself with Tonfah again."
"...I'm sorry."
"What's your purpose?"
"My purpose? I don't have one."
"Then why did you tell Tonfah that Torfun is still alive?"
"...Because it's easier that way."
"Fine. But don't get too close to them, or the truth will come out."
"If I told the truth..."
"What?"
"If I told the truth about Torfun... do you think P' Fah would hate me?"
"Are you going to admit you killed your own sibling?"
"I didn't... I didn't mean to..."
"Enough. You're just a burden. Torfun tried to take care of you, and this is how you repaid her, with her death?"
I hung up abruptly, unable to bear another word. His accusations, repeated so many times, cut deeper every time. I collapsed to my knees, covering my mouth to stifle my sobs.
I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted... A little kindness. Just a little. A smile. Anything. It took a while for me to compose myself. My reflection in the mirror showed red, swollen eyes and a tear-streaked face.
I soaked in hot water for a long time, hoping it would make me feel better. When I finally stepped out, I noticed a set of oversized clothes P' Fah had left for me. I put them on, adjusting the waistband and rolling up the pant legs since they were too long.
"Let's eat," P' Fah called from the sofa, where a few dishes were laid out on the table.
"Okay. Did you make these, P' Fah?" I asked.
"Not really, it's just frozen food," P' Fah said as I sat down on a small sofa beside him. "I'm not very good at cooking. How about you, Typhoon ? Can you cook?"
"I can... a little, but I'm not great at it," I admitted.
"Perfect, then. You can handle breakfast tomorrow," he said with a grin.
"...Maybe not," I replied softly, unsure. I used to help Torfun cook occasionally, but I was never very good at it. If it turned out bad or made P' Fah sick, I'd feel terrible.
"Why not?"
"I'm not confident it'll turn out well."
"Have some faith in yourself. I'll help," P' Fah said, giving me a warm smile. It was the kind of smile that somehow made me feel at ease.
"Okay... thank you," I said.
"No need to thank me. Let's eat."
"Alright."
I nodded and started eating the meal in front of me. Outside, the rain was still pouring heavily. P' Fah mentioned that he preferred avoiding frozen food and would have taken me out to eat instead if the rain hadn't been so heavy. He was thoughtful like that, almost too kind. But since it was P' Fah, it didn't feel strange at all.
"Oh, Typhoon ," he called suddenly.
"Yes?"
"Torfun hasn't replied to my Line messages. I even sent her photos from today to update her."
"Photos?"
"Yeah, the ones I took while we were out. I thought she'd be worried about you."
"Oh..."
"It's odd. Normally, when it's about you, she'd respond immediately."
"Maybe she's busy," I said, pressing my lips together to hold back tears. I had just cried over Torfun earlier, and hearing this brought a sharp pang to my chest.
"Typhoon ."
"Y-yes?" I quickly lifted my head, realizing I'd been sitting in silence with my head down.
"After we sort out the dorm tomorrow, let's go buy some plants," he suggested.
"Buy plants?"
"Yeah. You like plants, don't you?"
"Yes... I do. You'll take me?"
"Of course. And let's find a new place with enough space to plant as many as you want," he said as he walked to throw away the trash. I helped clear the empty dishes from the table.
"Okay," I agreed with a nod.
"Can I ask why you like plants?"
"Um... they make me feel calm, I guess," I answered.
"That's great. I'll buy you some, then."
"You'll buy me plants?"
"Yes, but you have to take good care of them, all of them."
"I will. I always do," I promised confidently. I've always taken good care of the plants I've grown. If I got a new place with lots of space for plants, it'd be amazing.
"Between the sky and plants, which do you like more?" he asked suddenly.
"Uh..." I hesitated. "Why do you ask?"
"Just curious."
"The sky," I replied. No matter what, I've always loved the sky the most.
"Because it's beautiful?"
"Yes."
"Plants are tangible, they offer shelter and comfort," he noted.
"..."
"But the sky... you can't touch it, can you?"
"That's true," I agreed.
After finishing the dishes, P' Fah went to shower. I decided to sleep on the sofa, so I took the liberty of grabbing a blanket from the shelf.
I didn't want to impose on him by taking the bed.
─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
"Are you planning to sleep on the sofa?" P' Fah asked as he stepped out of the bathroom, his hair still damp. Startled by the sight of him, I quickly averted my gaze.
This is not good, Typhoon ... not good at all. My heart nearly stopped just now.
"Yes," I replied.
"You'd be more comfortable on the bed."
"No, it's your bed. You should sleep there."
"It's fine," he insisted.
"Please, let me sleep on the sofa," I said, feeling guilty and glancing at him nervously. P' Fah sighed lightly but agreed.
"If you need anything, just knock on the door, okay?"
"Goodnight," I said.
"Goodnight," he replied.
I gave him a faint smile as he went into his room, closing the door behind him. His gentle "goodnight" was enough to make me feel better. At least tonight, I thought I might sleep more peacefully.
But the sound of the rain made me restless. I returned to the hanging chair by the window, gazing out at the rain. I hadn't written a letter to Torfun yet tonight, and skipping it felt wrong, like something was missing.
I sat curled up, hugging my knees, with P' Fah's scent lingering faintly on the clothes I'd borrowed. It made me feel oddly comforted.
If what my dad said is true... if I really am a burden, I don't want to be. Thinking about it, I've never done anything for P' Fah, only the other way around. Maybe I'm better when I'm with him, but is he better when he's with me? Or am I just making things harder for him?
I feel so... worthless.
About an hour passed. The room was quiet, with only the soft glow of the lamp on the table. P' Fah was probably asleep by now. I wiped my tears and sighed. I hated being like this, but I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.
I just want to smile more, laugh more, and be happy without having to pray for it. Torfun... what should I do? Why can't I ever find my way? Suddenly, I heard the door to the bedroom open. I turned and saw P' Fah walking out, looking slightly surprised to see me.
"Still not asleep?"
"Uh… no. It's just not my usual bedtime," I replied.
"Hm. What time do you usually sleep?"
"Whenever I feel tired," I said, causing him to chuckle.
"Got it," he said, reaching out to ruffle my hair playfully before sitting on the sofa across from the hanging chair. I instinctively touched the spot on my head where his hand had been ...Isn't this kind of thing something brothers shouldn't do?
"Are you sleepy now?" he asked.
"No. What about you? Why are you up?"
"I just came out to get some water," he replied.
"Oh, let me get it for you."
"Typhoon ."
"Yes?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at his sudden change in tone.
"The way you refer to yourself," he began.
"...?"
"Sometimes you say 'I,' and other times you use your name."
"Is that strange?"
"Not really. It just reminds me of how you used to talk."
"Oh..." I paused before adding, "And you too, P' Fah."
"Me?"
"Referring to yourself as P' Fah, it's like before."
"Yeah... that's true."
"Do you always talk like that?"
"Not really."
"...?"
"I only speak this way with you, Typhoon .