So, guys, hello! Yeah, it's been a while since we saw each other on the pages of this text.
In the last episode, you witnessed my fight with Cu Alter. And how did it end? Am I still alive with eighty percent of my heart destroyed, like that guy from the game – Rama, was his name or something? Or did I completely dissipate, getting hit by the cursed Gáe Bolg directly in the fiery motor, like other unfortunate Servants?
By the way, did any of the Servants ever die instantly from this spear?
Well, let's remember... In "Fate/stay night," he poked Saber with it – she survived. He poked EMIYA – he also survived. Ah, maybe he killed that priest, the one who loved spicy mapo tofu?
Oh, I'm getting carried away. Anyway! Whether I'm alive or dead – I'll leave it to your imagination~
"Sick! Shut up! I'm starting the amputation."
While the patient in the red suit was enthusiastically spouting nonsense, the nurse in the same scarlet uniform laid out her instruments with a blank face. There were sharp scalpels, scissors, and, from who knows where, an axe and a saw.
"Hey! I'm perfectly fine! Please don't scare me with this horror! Aaaaaah!!"
"It seems you have problems with your jaw muscles, or your vocal cords have gained self-awareness. I'll have to tie you up. I'm starting the amputation, so if it hurts – just die. If you die, I'll dismember you and revive you back."
Wrapping the "red" patient in ropes and chains, the scarlet nurse raised the saw over him.
"Listen, I don't want to disappoint you, but I'll be honest: I don't die. Well, I mean, I'm very hard to kill. In short, even if you dismember me, I'll just grow back."
"Impossible. No one has ever grown back in my practice! They say in about three hundred years they'll invent things called 'prosthetics,' and you'll get those. Besides, you're trying to attach a piece of meat teeming with bacteria to the body. I'm amputating."
"Okay, okay, do what you want! But why are you aiming the saw at my treasure?!"
Just as the amputation-obsessed girl was about to saw off the patient's most valuable part in the crotch area, the tent flap was thrown open, and two people entered.
"Doctor! This patient is our comrade! He's fine! Please stop!"
"Oh! Mash! What a relief. Thank God!"
Upon seeing Mash, Deadpool exhaled with relief. However, the female doctor in red, whose plans for the "treasure" had been thwarted, turned around with an extremely ferocious look.
"I'm not a doctor. I'm a nurse. And this is my patient! I'll decide what to do with him based on my professional judgment! Outsiders wait outside!"
"Wait... wait-wait... no... NOOOO!"
Some time later, Deadpool, wrapped in bandages from head to toe, rolled out of the tent in a wheelchair. He looked dazed, and drool dripped from his mouth.
"Fortunately, the operation was successful. Now, quickly to the battlefield, get new wounds. And I'll amputate you again."
Despite the nurse's bloodthirsty speeches, Ritsuka and Mash rushed to Deadpool. They remembered how he stayed to contain the terrifying aura, and although he seemed outwardly intact, his face bore the grimace of someone who had lost something incredibly precious.
"Wade... are you okay?"
"No."
"Mr. Pool! Are you alive?"
"No!"
Deadpool suddenly tore off the bandages, kicked the chair, and jumped to his feet. Thanks to his healing factor, his amputated "dignity" had already returned to normal, but he would never forget the indescribable pain of the process.
"Amazing. To stand up immediately after amputation and therapy... So my methods are correct. Now I will amputate patients even more resolutely. For me, as a nurse, this is the only way to show mercy and grant salvation."
Observing this "miracle" of healing, the scarlet nurse broke into a creepy smile, finally convinced of her rightness.
"Patient, congratulations. But the war is not over yet. Go, get more seriously wounded. I will gladly heal you with my method."
"Uh, excuse me..."
Mash timidly addressed the woman, who, with her fanatical passion for dismemberment, looked more like a mad surgeon.
"What's wrong? Does something hurt too? Hmm... your chest is excellent. Your figure is fine. You're still young, so it's okay. Secondary sexual characteristics are natural."
"No! That's not what I meant at all!"
Mash blushed profusely, not knowing where to hide from such a direct diagnosis.
"I wanted to ask... what's your name?"
"I am just a humble nurse who treats and amputates wounded soldiers. To give my name is too great an honor for me. And now, please excuse me, I have a lot of work to do..."
Having said everything she wanted, the nurse disappeared into the depths of the tent.
"Something about her seems painfully familiar," Deadpool mused.
"A nurse saving the wounded in the thick of war... I read about it somewhere."
"Yeah, I studied something like that in school too."
Deadpool, Mash, and Ritsuka pondered for a moment, putting the facts together: war, a nurse, fanatical treatment. And then it dawned on them.
"The Lady with the Lamp! Nightingale!"
The most famous nurse in history, whose contribution to medicine and selflessness in saving soldiers is honored to this day. Only the image from textbooks – a meek and gentle soul – did not fit with this fury at all. Although...
"In fact, it all adds up. They say the historical Nightingale was an incredibly stubborn and strong-willed woman. There was a legend that once she stormed a warehouse with a hammer when there were problems with supplies."
"So all these threats of amputation are her real character? Phew, she's a hot one," Deadpool whistled, involuntarily crossing his legs at the memory of his recent torment.
"But Wade, how did you get here?" Ritsuka asked. "You stayed there, alone with that terrible energy."
"Ah, that... Okay, let's rewind the tape."
Deadpool fumbled in his spandex pocket, pulled out an old remote, and pressed the rewind button. The world around flickered, the picture swam backward, like in an old VCR.
"Here!"
Pressing play, the scene of the battle with Black Cú Chulainn unfolded before them.
"Funny. You're not just deflecting my spear attacks, but fighting on equal terms."
Black Cú Chulainn smiled – for the first time in a long time, or perhaps in his entire life, he had met a worthy opponent. However, Deadpool himself, contrary to this assessment, was holding on by his last strength.
"You... *cough*... seriously?! You think this is 'on equal terms'?!"
His twin swords were half-chipped and broken from constant clashes. Pistols and grenades had no effect. Cú Chulainn's furious attack tempo left no window for a counterattack – he could only defend desperately.
"Curious. Strange weapons, explosive balls... This is clearly not from our era. Tell me, did you come from another world?"
Deadpool barely pushed his opponent away, broke the distance, and pulled out UZI submachine guns, showering the enemy with lead, but Cú Chulainn's scarlet spear easily deflected all the bullets.
"I couldn't deflect like that, why does everything go so smoothly for him?" Deadpool muttered.
"And that's all?" Cú Chulainn roared, his voice echoing like a dragon's roar. "Give me more! Entertain me properly!"
In response to this challenge, Deadpool fumbled in his wide pants and pulled out a four-barreled rocket launcher.
"Here's what you ordered! Get to the choppa-a-a!"
With a clumsy imitation of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Deadpool fired a volley. He wondered if the opponent would withstand anti-tank weapons, and watched with wide eyes as all four rockets hit Cú Chulainn and detonated with a roar.
"Oh, damn... No way! Did you use cheat codes? Or god mode? Hey! Are you cheating? You're using hacks?! Admins! There's a cheater here! Get him banned for life! A lifetime ban for you, got it?!"
Deadpool raged and cursed, grinding his teeth at the sight of Black Cú Chulainn, who stood as if nothing had happened after a direct hit from a rocket launcher.
"You're a funny little guy," he chuckled. "Now it's my turn."
"I'm not done yet! I'll get something more powerful and...!"
Just as Deadpool reached for another killer argument, his body was sent flying into the air. His heart was pierced by a crimson cursed spear, and below stood a black Cú Chulainn, baring his shark-like teeth in a grin.
"My magical spear, Gáe Bolg, brings death to anyone whose heart it pierces. No exceptions."
Looking into the white lenses of Deadpool's mask, Cú Chulainn felt him go still, breathing his last. The mercenary's body went limp and began to cool rapidly.
"In the end... you couldn't kill me either. Goodbye, red Heroic Spirit..."
"Kha-ha!"
At that moment, a heavy glob of blood splattered across Cú Chulainn's face. Deadpool, revived by his healing factor, convulsed, continuing to spit blood.
"Khurgh! Khurgh! Hello! Good morning-ni-i-ing! Kha! Kha-ak!"
Deadpool began to diligently spit blood onto Cú Chulainn's face, clearly trying to elicit maximum disgust.
"Alive? Did my spear's curse not work?"
"Well, sort of... Ugh-eh-ek! I have no idea myself... Khe! I'm just... Kha-ha-ak! Practically unkillable!"
Cú Chulainn, cursing, tried to wipe the blood from his face. His composure began to crack.
"Oh, is our tough guy getting angry? Kha-ha! Kha-ha! Yes, I'm doing this on purpose to make you furious! Kha-ha-ha!"
Deadpool demonstratively held up both middle fingers right in front of Cú Chulainn's nose.
"Immortal, huh? Too bad. I'll make you wish death had been the better outcome."
"Oh! And what will you do? Curse me? Dreaming is free. I'm already under a curse – I can't die, even if I really want to. Do you think an extra curse will make me bat an eye? Oh, I blinked! E-he-he! Khe-khe!"
Ignoring the chatter and provocations, Cú Chulainn yanked the spear still lodged in his enemy's heart and flung Deadpool far to the side. Then, with a powerful leap, he froze in mid-air, assuming a throwing pose. His target was Deadpool.
"Ah, is that the famous Gáe Bolg or whatever it's called? Since it's 'Gáe,' why don't you stick it right up my ass!"
Deadpool, barely moving his limp body, managed to strike a pose, thrusting his rear end towards fate.
The spear of deadly death, piercing through.
"GÁE BOLG!"
The bloody spear flew from black Cú Chulainn's hand and, like a guided missile, struck its target with a monstrous explosion. Deadpool's body was torn to pieces, his heart ripped out, and the remains scattered to the far edge of the battlefield.
"Hey! Listen here! We'll meet again! And you'll regret making a hole in my ass! Do you hear me?! I swear, I'll do the same to your ass..."
Deadpool's head, the only thing left intact, flew into the distance, continuing to shout threats until it disappeared into the dust of battle.
"I'll be waiting with bated breath, red spirit. Ha-ha-ha-ha."
Catching the returned spear, Cú Chulainn disappeared into the forest with a mad grin.
"Well, that's pretty much how it all happened."
"And after all that, you're perfectly fine?"
Ritsuka and Mash, listening to Deadpool's account of the battle with black Cú Chulainn, couldn't believe their eyes. The story ended with him being literally torn to shreds, yet here he stood before them – arms and legs intact. The power of the healing factor inspired involuntary admiration.
"I told you: I'm practically unkillable. But, honestly, that guy seemed to be holding back. And that pisses me off. So I decided: I'm joining the army to personally kick the ass of this spear-poking enthusiast!"
Deadpool, having somehow acquired a gray uniform of Northerners from the American Civil War, marched with a rifle on his shoulder.
"Are you really going to enlist?"
"What? Me? In the army? Are you crazy? I'm a freelance mercenary! No one can restrict me! Except Vanessa, of course..."
He immediately shed the uniform, returning to his usual appearance. Ritsuka no longer had the strength to be surprised by his fickleness.
"Enemy! Enemy ambush!"
At that moment, the sound of a bell rang through the camp, announcing an attack. It seemed the rear positions were safe, but a Celtic squad managed to strike from the flank.
"What do we do?"
"Senpai, we need to repel the attack! The Celts are our enemies, no matter what!"
Ritsuka nodded, agreeing with Mash. Deadpool also drew his twin swords, a smile spreading across his face at the familiar scent of war.
"Get out of the way, pathetic enemies! No one dares block the path of Fiona's knights!"
"To anyone who stands in my master's way, there will be no forgiveness from me, Diarmuid O'Duibhne!"
Two men with spears appeared. Cutting their way through the camp, they stumbled upon Ritsuka's group and froze.
"There's an unusual aura coming from you. Hey, you with the shield!"
"Me?" Mash flinched, but Deadpool, having somehow produced a shield, pointed at himself.
"Not you! That one! In the blue armor and with the purple bob!"
"Me?" Deadpool instantly repainted his costume blue and put on a wig exactly like Mash's.
"Woman! I'm addressing a woman!"
"Me?" Deadpool stuffed padding under his costume to imitate Mash's bust size and began to sway his hips playfully, making the "forms" jiggle. Mash blushed deeply and turned away.
"I... I'll cut off your head! No! I'll pierce your heart!!" roared the golden-haired warrior.
"Master, calm down!" Diarmuid, the warrior with a mole under his eye, struggled to restrain his leader from a rash charge.
"Marry me!" the golden-haired man suddenly blurted out.
"Huh? Me?" Deadpool was stunned.
"NOT YOU!!"