Interlude ~ The Restless Deadpool.
An ordinary day in Chaldea.
"Spa-a-a-a-rta!!"
The training hall, set up for staff fitness, was filled with frantic noise for the first time since the Chaldea bombing incident.
"Fighting spirit! More spirit! How do you plan to protect the Master from any threat with such morale?! Body! You must temper the body! Brains can wait!!"
The recently summoned Lancer, Leonidas I, was in the midst of a frenzied drill. And the reason was a request from Mash Kyrielight, who wanted to become stronger at any cost to protect the Master – her Senpai.
"Stance is wrong! Don't seek comfort! It should be uncomfortable! Only then does the body get stimulated! Only then does tempering occur! Yes! Turn pain into steel and make it familiar! That is Sparta!!"
"Y... Yes!"
Mash, being a Demi-Servant, possessed enough strength to withstand Leonidas's loads. However, since Leonidas himself was a Heroic Spirit, the intensity of his 'training for servants' far exceeded human capabilities.
"Hey, why the hell do I have to repeat this?"
While Mash was sweating profusely, Deadpool, who was lazily imitating the movements just for show, asked with an extremely displeased expression.
"Since time immemorial, it's known: two is better than one! And three is better than two! The more people train, the higher the efficiency!"
"You lie like you breathe! You just roped me in because I was passing by and happened to be handy!!"
As soon as Deadpool protested, Leonidas poked him in the head with his massive shield bearing the Spartan emblem.
"Weakness! Tempering the body is tempering the spirit! Tempering the spirit is the path of strength along which humanity moves forward! He who is content with little and stands still is doomed to extinction! That is the essence of evolution! That is the truth!"
"Go feed that crap to Mash! I don't want to!"
"Do it!"
"I won't!"
Ritsuka, heading to the library for manga, heard the noise coming from the training hall and cautiously peeked inside. Leonidas was driving Mash to the point of exhaustion. Nearby, Deadpool, who had clearly been dragged in by force, was desperately throwing a tantrum, and Leonidas had already moved to forceful persuasion, trying to make him do hand-to-hand exercises.
"Hey! Brat! You too, come on!"
In the midst of the struggle, Deadpool noticed Ritsuka, who had timidly stuck his head out, observing the situation. Leonidas's Greek helmet immediately gleamed menacingly.
"Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ster!!" he roared, rushing after the Master, who tried to make a run for it with a frightened look.
"Time to bail!"
Deadpool, leaving Mash to the mercy of the Spartan, took off at full speed.
"Phew... Damned Spartan. 'Tempering,' yeah. Thinks he's Gerard Butler? It's the age of guns now, you get it? Ever since people invented firearms, pumping iron is fucking useless."
Strolling through Chaldea and cursing Leonidas to the fullest, Deadpool suddenly bumped into something, even though there seemed to be no one ahead. Looking down, he saw a scrawny boy with blue hair, glasses, and an extremely haggard face. The boy was clutching a notebook and pen.
"Oh, hey, author An-chan. What brings you out for some fresh air? Beat the deadline, huh?"
Andersen, a Caster and famous storyteller, looked up at him with eyes full of sleepless anguish and spoke in a voice that didn't match his childish appearance at all.
"No! Just getting some air. Ideas aren't coming, been racking my brains for eighteen hours straight, but couldn't squeeze anything out! I want to sleep to death, but the deadline is sacred...!"
"Listen, buddy, your voice sounds familiar. Seems like in a distant Japan, I sounded about the same. Huh? Don't get it? Then check out episode 27 of 'Marvel Disk Wars'! My awesome debut is there, so go buy the DVD or VOD! If you think about torrenting it – I'll turn you into chimichanga filling, got it?"
Watching Deadpool spout this nonsense into the void, Andersen suddenly perked up, his eyes gleaming. He grabbed the mercenary's hand and dragged him to his room.
"Opa-na~ Want to make me your hero?"
"You... I heard you're sort of immortal. A story about an immortal being... Sounds interesting, don't you think?"
Deadpool nodded in agreement, listening to Andersen's confused explanations.
"Oh! It'll be like... I'm supposed to take the Throne of the Ash Lords, but instead I'm chasing old deserter-lords to whack them, and in the process die a million different ways, break, turn to dust, vanish, but still come back to eventually become king? Yes! Let's call it 'Dark Ring'!" he whispered: in Britain, by the way, that's slang for anus~
"Works! Great material! Thanks! Now get out of here! I need to make the deadline!"
Some help. Deadpool was shown the door, barely having time to mutter 'thanks.'
"Speaking of which: FromSoftware, enough already with these medieval knights like Dark Souls, bring back Armored Core! Mechs – that's the true romance for men!!"
"Did someone say 'mechs'? Hero's appearance!"
This time, Avicebron appeared before him. It's unknown when he managed to modify himself, but now he sported a pair of extra arms.
"Ugh. Listen, wow. Who in their right mind would sew on extra limbs, you maniac?"
"What modification? I cherish my body. Besides, I'm a golem master, not a surgeon. These are merely magical devices that obey my will."
Meanwhile, Avicebron's extra arms fetched a teapot and cups, poured tea, and handed it to him. Avicebron, somehow managing to sip tea right through his golden mask, cautiously approached Deadpool, clearly intending to ask for something.
"Actually... for my new experiment, I need a test subject. I wanted to ask for your assistance."
"Assistance? Hmm. Okay. Help. Yes, a noble, handsome, sexy-funny guy like me simply must help. But you know what? Go! To! Hell! Die in agony, you damned golem nerd!"
Deadpool proudly flipped the bird and almost poked Avicebron's mask with it. Considering everything he'd been through in the London Singularity, the reaction was quite natural.
"Hmm. A bit hurtful, but if you refuse, nothing can be done. Then..."
Avicebron reacted surprisingly calmly. Propping his chin with his hand and muttering something under his breath – apparently already contemplating another experiment – he departed.
"As if I'd ever help a guy like that again! Because of him, I became a laughingstock here. And that old crone is something else... Pissed me off to no end. If not for my broken teleporter, I'd have ground her into powder and used it as baby powder for my butt pimples!"
Immediately after returning from London, Deadpool successfully regained his former appearance.
However, he overlooked one detail: Da Vinci – 'chan' under the pretext of checking his condition had recorded absolutely everything through Ritsuka's communicator – from the moment of transfer to London until the very return. And that meant...
"U-o-a-a-a-a! Just remembering makes me shake!! Just you wait, old crone! I'll get my revenge on you yet!!"
He shook his head furiously, trying to drive away the lousy memories, and in a fit of rage began pounding his fists into the walls of Chaldea's corridor.
"Ouch! Careful!"
Trying to let off steam, Deadpool was racing down the corridor at full speed and around a corner collided with a huge stack of documents, from which a belated warning came.
"Ai-yai-yai..."
Looking at the papers scattered on the floor, Deadpool felt a strange sense of déjà vu and instinctively began gathering them.
"Ah, no-no. I'll do it myself..."
The person carrying the papers also rushed to pick them up, and at some point their hands touched over one sheet.
[I was hiding~ deep~ in my heart my feelings~ I'll give everything~ to you~ e-e-e-e~]
The atmosphere suddenly became... ambiguous.
"Oops. I didn't mean to... Mommy!!"
Deadpool looked up with a shy smile and a deep blush and saw...
"Hyyy-ii?!"
Doctor Romani Archaman.
You're spinning me, baby, like a record, round and round, again and again~
The awkwardness level skyrocketed.
Whether from fright or embarrassment... or perhaps something else awakened within him, but Romani, flushed crimson, frantically gathered the remaining papers.
"Pro... sorry!"
"..."
Watching the doctor hastily retreat, Deadpool suddenly froze, struck by an epiphany.
"Get over here."
Deadpool's eyes gleamed ominously. As if possessed, he rushed after Romani, jumping from wall to ceiling. Everything inside him was boiling. Today... a great deed would be accomplished.
"Romani! You will be mine!! Pikachu, I choose you!"
"No-o-o-o-o-o!"
A wail from Romani, akin to the mournful moan of a ghost, echoed through Chaldea's corridors.
After this incident, legends spread through Chaldea about a red-skinned monster attacking men. However, the legend was soon cut short: a certain 'old crone' in the body of a young maiden from Chaldea's workshop simply beat all the nonsense out of this monster.
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Only Dep-chan and Roman-chan know the truth of what happened...