"Why wouldn't I try to kill myself today...? Right here, right now..."
Have you ever doubted your existence...so much that it urges your mind to ask this question...? I did...well witnessed it...
Witnessing the tug-of-war between the choices: do I fight this thought or do I let it consume me...? To run away, escape or stay and endure it, face the chaos before me? I vaguely remember it— the day my brother took his own life. The day that crashed and made my world burst into small pieces.
All I can remember is — waking up to a disinfectant aroma. The silence of the environment was punctuated by the rhythmic beeping of the monitoring equipment. I groaned, as my vision cleared up a bit, I was greeted by a sterile ceiling with a blurry figure in the foreground.
What happened...?
With a modulated voice, the figure turned to me with a flashlight lit on my eye. "Ms. Cei'a... I'm D' '''ley. 're in 'ene'al H's'i'al"
I didn't respond, and the figure called out my name again. "Ms. 'e'da...?...'an you 'ear m'...?"
It was all muffled, but for a little while I blinked, once, twice, groggily, one hand coming up to rub my aching temple. My temple throbbed like it was trying to punch back. Pressing my fingers to the bandage wrapped around the left side of my head, mortified and tried to speak.
"Ow...my...head..."
As my vision started to steady, I was met with a messy black haired guy, assuming in his 40s. He was wearing a white coat standing beside me, as I lay on what seemed like a bed. My groggy eyes wandered to the side and noticed the dextrose attached to my right hand. Moving my gaze more slowly, assessing the surroundings. A white curtain draped down by the window, blocking the rays of the morning light. "I'm at a hospital...?"
"Yes, you are in the hospital." He said quietly.
"What...—ugh—...I'm sorry ...what...happened...to me...?"
"Ms. Ceida...I'm Dr. Bailey..." Dr. Bailey's voice was soft and gentle. He walked closer to the bed. "Three days ago, you were involved in an accident... "
"Wait...a-are you...I was...a-asleep...for..." My breath became heavier and heavier. The throbbing of my head is not doing me a good favor. Dr. Bailey slightly nod. "You were asleep for three days..."
My world went silent.
The memory vanished quickly as I blinked along with the buzzing of my phone alarm. The coldness of the blue light emitted by the phone under the darkness of my bedroom gave a dismal atmosphere. The screen projects the current time — 5:57 AM...and a reminder — Podcast 🔴LIVE at 6:00 AM
...how could I forget...
The podcast that I decided to start...
I groaned, pushing myself off the bed and grabbing my sweater hung over the bedframe. As I slipped on the sweater and my panda designed bedroom fuzzy slippers, I walked towards my bedroom studio. I sat on the swivel chair and glanced upon the guitar case sitting by the table. I pursed my lips and took out my blue guitar from its case.
Deep breath...
Smile.
Again.
Just this once.
I cleared my head and took a deep breath. Arching my lips upward,trying to smile. Trying to forget. Trying to pretend...that everything...is...quite alright. My finger hovered over the LIVE button.
🔴ON AIR
"What's new Azureans??!!" I started with a big, bright, fake enthusiastic smile. "I hope everyone is doing well this morning!!" Added with an enthusiastic tone.
"Because I know I am!!"
Such a liar. Such BS... (*Sorry for the language.)
"Though, even if you are not...that's okay. As they say, "it's okay not to be okay"..."
Seriously Melliriese...? Saying a quote to encourage everyone without starting on yourself...? Awesome...real great...
" Today, I'll be singing an original song...this is for all of you..."
I settled the body of the guitar on my lap. A solemn sensation flowed through my fingertips as it plucked the surface of the strings producing melody lines. My mouth opened, ready to release a melody. "~🎶Life's a game but I guess I'm loosing. Bitten by a snake of a million doubt🎶 ~" The first melodic line started with a soft upbeat tune — contrasting the heavy weight my heart carries.
"🎶What If I roll the dice...!? Will I end up with regrets?🎶" The strum of the guitar, paced faster and faster. I closed my eyes, my hands slightly trembled as it continues to strum the chords. I can hear each "ping" of reactions and new comments as they float up through the screen. Each ping felt like tiny needles poking every part of my body.
"🎶~Enough is enough, I'm tired of this beautiful lies. (Liar)
It has inflicted too much damage~🎶" — damages that may have broken an individual into million pieces, as the memories all sinks back in. It will embed a permanent dent which cannot be molded back even if you try to.
"🎶~I'll stand up again and learn to love the truth.~🎶"
The ugly truth.
The stream was flooded by "Likes", "Hearts" and "Comments". It's aching to see those emoticons gradually increase for a girl who doesn't really exist...Am I doing the right thing...? This podcast...the song... everything...
As the last notes slowly died in a melodic vibration, I momentarily stared at the waterfall of chats.
[User1799]: Your voice is like an angel!🥹
[ColienUser12]: Life is like a game come to think of it...🤔
[9075User]: Thank you for this song Azurite!!! It's deep...and you wrote it...!? Wow...!
[Userie29]: Life. Am I right...? It always makes you feel like crap. It might even discriminate. Some wins, the others lose. What's up with that...!?
Come to think of it... Userie29 isn't wrong...life does do that...
"Thank you everyone!" I cleared my throat to get back into the enthusiastic "Azurite". "I wrote that song not while back...it's for everyone. For all of you. Most especially the ones who felt that they were losing the game." I took another deep breath and added.
"Remember, you're not alone. There's always someone out there, close to you or not...who is willing to spare their time to listen." I leaned closer to the mic, swivelling the chair a bit closer to the desk. "Don't keep it in your mind. It's fine to have negativity...but don't let it bubble up your mind until it pops."
Speak to yourself! Geez...!! Who am I kidding!? I'm a walking bubble who is on the verge of bursting their bubble...!
As the stream ended after a moment, the bright smile on my face transitioned into a 'meh' face in just a snap. The swivel chair produced a creaking sound as I leaned back.
Back to reality...
My eyes scanned the chats again, reading their praise, gratitude, some rants, and few emojis.
Then I saw it.
One comment, which strikes directly to the heart. I wondered why...?... I froze momentarily, and hovered the curser over the words with blue highlights. The sender's username read: XY'31. It doesn't feel familiar...but the message that the user sent stumped me.
The message read:
[XY'31]: Lies are lies. Although, how do we know if the truth that we know and believe actually is a fact or true...? Lies can be true and truth can be lies. It might also be the reason why people choose to fight or flee — couldn't handle either of them...people stay or go because of it. Only a few choose to fight...
[XY'31.]
[Lies.]
[Reason.]
[Why people fight or flee.]
Choice.
What does it even mean...?
I pursed my lips and closed the laptop lid with trembling hands.
[Only a few choose to fight...]
I sat there for a moment, still processing the XY'31 comment. Though I wonder, why am I so worked up about this comment...? I nearly laughed at myself. Like I care about one little comment.
'Doesn't really matter anymore...the choice was clear for me...'
Seconds later my phone lit up, as a notification popped up on the screen. I didn't really pay attention to what the notification was, my eyes immediately fell on the time flashed on the screen — 6:30 AM. "Right...school..." I let out a sigh. Pushing myself up, the wheels of the swivel chair grated as if it were understanding how I felt right now. Pushing my butt towards the bathroom to prepare. Classes start at 7:30 AM. Let's make this quick.
I looked at my reflection on the mirror as I dried myself with a towel. "I looked messed up" was the only thing I could say as I saw the visible bags under my monolid-shaped eyes.
"Thank god that the stream earlier was only audio" I sighed in relief as I damped my hair with a soft towel. I slipped into my skirt, as I pulled up the zipper — it let out a sharp metallic hiss, as if it were trying to seal me in a cage or a door and the person behind that door is the person I am opting to pretend. I threw on my school blazer and grabbed my bag, slinging it over my shoulder as I stepped out of the room and headed down.
The thump of my school shoes echoed over the quiet house. Almost near the end of the steps, I cleared my throat, "Auntie...mom..."
No response.
"I'm—"
I walked past the dinning room, my words caught in my throat as I caught a glimpse of the table. There, slumped over the table was my mom, her head laying on her arm using a pillow. Her left hands still curled loose on a tall glass containing a small amount of wine left.
"...off..." I whispered scoffing at how my mother was present but she wasn't actually there. She's just a being, existing in the side lines. Not a mother.
I sighed turning away and went over the foyer to be greeted by my aunt. "Mel, need a ride to school sweetie...? I could ask Mr.—" Her posture never failed to impress me.
Who am I kidding...? It's Kerlina Sanders we're talking about here...Famous model and actress. Of course she maintains her appearance. Her hair is always tucked behind her ear nicely in an elegant bun...Unlike me...only an utterly messy bun on top of my head.
"No thanks Auntie...but she might need a ride back to reality..." I turned my head gesturing towards the dining room.
"Heading out..." I didn't wait another moment for Auntie to comment, as I opened the front door and headed out.
Out to reality again.