I thought quitting would feel powerful.
Like I had finally taken control.
Instead, it felt… empty.
The first week after I stopped watching anything related to Seo Juhan, my nights felt longer.
There was no soft smile before sleeping. No background comfort. No small scenario playing in my head.
Just me.
And my thoughts.
I didn't realize how much space that habit had occupied until it was gone.
Before, whenever my mind got restless, I had an easy escape.
Open app. Scroll. Watch. Feel calm.
Now, when I felt restless, there was nothing to distract me.
And silence is loud.
I started noticing things I had ignored before.
How average my days felt. How uncertain my future looked. How I didn't actually know what excited me in real life.
It wasn't that I was depressed.
I was just… facing myself without background noise.
One night, I almost searched his name again.
Not because I missed him specifically.
But because I missed the routine.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard.
Then I paused.
"What are you really looking for?" I asked myself.
Comfort?
Distraction?
Familiarity?
The answer was simple.
Familiarity.
We don't always miss people.
Sometimes we just miss how predictable they made us feel.
I put my phone down.
Turned off the lights.
And let the silence stay.
It wasn't peaceful.
But it wasn't painful either.
It was neutral.
And neutral is unfamiliar when you're used to constant stimulation.
Days turned into weeks.
Slowly, my mind stopped automatically replaying scenarios.
His face stopped appearing randomly in my thoughts.
Not completely gone.
Just less frequent.
Like a song you used to love but haven't heard in months.
You don't hate it.
You just don't think about it anymore.
And that realization felt strange.
Because for two years, he had been a constant.
Now he was becoming optional.
The silence didn't mean I had erased him.
It meant I was learning to exist without needing him.
And maybe that was the real sign of growth.
Not forgetting.
Just not depending.
For the first time in a long while, my nights belonged only to me.
No edits. No imaginary meetings. No soft smiles through a screen.
Just quiet.
And surprisingly…
I was starting to get used to it.